A Bond So Strong
by Joannawrites
Summary: When Kid decides to fight for the South, the riders that were once family are divided, on opposite sides of a bloody conflict that has been stalking them from their first days together. When Kid is taken as a prisoner of war, and Lou returns home for help, the boys must decide which bonds are stronger: their loyalty to their country or their loyalty to each other. Complete.
1. Prologue: Battle Lines

Author's Note: This is the first in a two-story series that dealt with the riders after the express ended and war came. Previously published in 1998 at The Way Station.

Prologue: Battle Lines

Springtime was approaching quickly but there was no warmth to speak of in the air. With warm weather would come tragedy. The bunkhouse table grew quieter by the day and tension wound more and more tightly between the people that had once been just like family.

They would break under it soon, Lou recognized with dread as she pushed her dinner about, with no desire to eat anything. Everyone was so distant and grim, even her new husband. They'd been married for nearly half a year, and it should have been the happiest time of their lives. They still loved each other very deeply, but the dismal events in their country had taken their toll on them both.

The Pony Express had officially ended months ago, and now everyone waited for the inevitable: a war between the states that would split the country, and everyone at the table, in two. They were all in waiting, their futures on hold at best, jeopardized altogether at worst. There seemed no use in starting fresh with the ominous, destructive force hanging over their heads like a dark cloud threatening everything they knew and everything they loved.

South Carolina had succeeded in December, and they'd just received word that the Union garrison at Fort Sumter had been fired upon by the southerners. Lincoln had asked for seventy-five thousand volunteers to march against the South.

They all waited silently, eyes on Virginia and The Kid. Lou knew in Kid's opinion it was only a matter of time before Virginia followed its southern sisters in rebellion. She prayed fervently against it, wished with every breath that Virginia might stay in the Union. It was the only way that her men might escape facing each other across a field of battle.

Her dark eyes darted to Kid, whose skin seemed to be stretched drum tight across his cheeks and whose eyes seemed to sink deeper into his worry-creased forehead daily. She knew it tore him apart to ignore his homeland when Virginia needed him most.

That's why she wasn't utterly shocked when his fork fell to his plate with a loud clatter that caused everyone to jump and he began to speak the words she'd dreaded for months.

"I feel like I should tell you all that I've decided…" he paused and Lou felt the tears flood into her eyes for she knew the next words already, "I've decided that I'm going home to fight for Virginia."

Lou would never forget the silence that followed Kid's words. Her eyes unconsciously sought out Jimmy, whose mouth hung slack in surprise, his fork paused in midair. She suddenly remembered what Kid had once said to her about Virginia:

 _"Lou, if they try to take my memories, I'm going home."_

 _"You're gonna leave Rock Creek?"_

 _"Leaving you…would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do. But staying would be harder."_

Lou guessed he'd decided that, in fact, staying was too hard.

"What?" Cody demanded, the first to come out of the shock, "You can't be serious, damn it, Kid!"

"I am," Kid insisted and he sought Lou's hand, "Lou, I know I should have talked to you first, but I just...I can't do this. I can't ignore this war."

"Virginia hasn't declared yet, Son," Teaspoon reminded him.

"You know it's just a matter of time. Virginia will declare for the South," Jimmy, forever a realist, pointed out.

Large tears spilled out of Lou's eyes as she gently disentangled her hand from Kid's and wiped at her cheeks, hating to let them all see her cry. She could think of nothing to say, but she felt betrayed by his choice; the South was his cause, certainly not hers.

"What about Noah, Kid?" Buck asked quietly, his voice clipped with pain from the still fresh wound of the loss of their brother and friend, "He'd turn over in his grave!"

"Damn it!" Kid roared, slamming the table with his fist and causing both Rachel and Lou to jump again, "I never owned a slave and I never wanted to! This is about protecting the soil that I was born on! It is about defending my home!"

"But, Kid, Virginia isn't your home now. Your family is here," Rachel began.

Kid's voice softened as he looked at Lou, who was sitting very still and being uncharacteristically silent, "Yes, my family is here. But Virginia is still my home, and I don't care if you all don't understand it. have to go fight."

"And make your wife of not even a year a widow?" Jimmy demanded, standing up, "Damn it, Kid, you have a responsibility now to Lou! And if you go out there and play soldier, chances are you won't come back! I can't believe you'd leave her here, alone!"

"I'm going with him!" Lou shouted. "You ain't leaving me here, Kid!" Fear had crept into her voice, stealing some of the sureness from her adamant words as she anchored her fingers in his sleeve.

"Of course she's going with me!" Kid growled back at Jimmy, ignoring Lou's gentle touch.

"You'd drag your wife into a war?" Jimmy snapped back.

"What business is it of yours, Jimmy? She's _my_ wife!" There was a viciousness to his tone, and none of them missed it, especially Jimmy.

"And she'll soon be _your_ widow, you damned fool!" Jimmy screamed back.

"Stop it, damn it, both of you!" Lou shouted, silencing the two men who loved her so much, although only momentarily.

"Teaspoon, can't you talk some sense into him? I mean you're from the South too!" Cody wondered.

Teaspoon had fixed his gaze on the plate in front of him, grief filling his eyes and lining his face as this inevitable conversation took place. This was it, he thought, the beginning of the end of the family he'd grown to love so much.

"I thought you'd fight for your home too," Kid said suddenly, looking at the man he loved as a father.

Teaspoon sighed, and the boys were silent, surprised by Kid's assumption, "Kid, I understand how you feel. I know what its like to love land like something tangible. Almost seems like the soil loves you back, gives you comfort. And I know most of you don't feel that way 'bout where you come from, but I am tellin' you boys, that tie is strong and its real. But Kid, I'm telling you, war ain't pretty son. Boys die. And in the end, it ain't never worth the cost. You got a family now, and not just Lou. You got us. You don't have to get involved in this war, son."

"So you're saying that when we fought the British, it wasn't worth it? The Mexicans?"

"I'm saying that you ain't never seen a war, and I ain't sure I ever even seen a war like this one is going to be. I'm saying that you got a family here, and that family is going to be hurt if you ride off to fight for the South. I'm saying that you got Lou to think about."

"So you aren't going to fight? What was all that talk about a while back with Jimmy? You said you were going home." Kid demanded.

"That was before Noah died, son. Like it or not, homeland or no, the side you are going to be fighting on is the same side that enslaves men and women, and children, Kid. Think about that for a minute. Now it ain't about slavery to you maybe, but to four million people in chains in the south, it sure is," Teaspoon said, then added more thoughtfully, "And to Noah, it was about slavery. And that one fact is keeping me from going home."

"Maybe so," Kid conceded, "But everybody's choosing sides, and I've chosen mine. We'll leave in a week. Noah would have understood I had to go."

"Wouldn't be so sure Kid, when did Noah ever understand your ties to the South?" Buck snapped resentfully, "Don't comfort yourself by putting false words into his mouth!"

Lou's heart thumped hard as her husband's last words sank in. A week!

"So that's it?" Jimmy spat at Kid, "Aren't you even going to talk to your wife about this? Don't you think she deserves a say in this? Lou, are you just going to sit there? This is your life too!"

"My life is with Kid now. If he has to go, then so do I," Lou nearly whispered.

"Damn it Lou! Are you the same person you used to be? Has Kid finally trained you to not even speak for yourself anymore?" Jimmy demanded, smashing his fist on the table and standing up.

Lou opened her mouth to respond about the time Kid made a leap across the table and grabbed Jimmy's shirt. Jimmy was more than ready to fight back, and it took Lou and Buck pulling Kid back and Cody and Teaspoon grabbing Jimmy to finally break them apart.

Kid twisted free and started to storm out of the room.

"I hope I never lay eyes on you again!" Kid shouted at Jimmy, flinging the door open. It crashed against the wall and the windows rattled. A plate fell from a shelf and shattered into a million pieces.

Lou and Rachel both had tears running down their faces.

"Next time we meet, Kid, it won't be as friends!" Jimmy screeched after him, bringing the tears more rapidly down Lou's cheeks.

Kid growled something unintelligible, and slammed the door behind him with a force that caused everyone to jump.

"I don't believe this!" Cody growled, and started to storm out the other door of the bunkhouse.

However, when he saw Lou sitting there, her eyes overflowing with tears, he couldn't help but stop to stroke her hair once gently before slamming the other door behind him.

The others soon dispersed in a similar disgusted manner, leaving only Jimmy and Lou standing in the bunkhouse that had been their home for just over two years.

"Lou, you've got to try and talk some sense into him."

Lou shook her head sadly and sighed, "Jimmy, I knew this day would come long before I married him. You did too. So much of Kid is his love for the land he was raised on. To him, it ain't no different from us defending Sweetwater from the Hawk's gang. Lincoln's made a move to invade his land, then he has to go."

"He doesn't _have_ to go! Lou, he promised to take care of you, to protect you."

"In his way, he is protecting me. From who he'd become if he didn't do what he thinks is his duty. From what he thinks will become of the country if the government is allowed to overreach."

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were a southern sympathizer. That little band of gold on your hand sure does carry a lot of weight."

"Jimmy, you know me better than that," Lou said, stung endlessly by his words, and he was instantly sorry, "And yes, this little band does carry a lot of weight! It means I'm bound to my husband!"

"Even to a place you ain't never seen and where you don't know a soul, while he leaves you alone to fight for a cause you are against?"

"Yes! I don't like it any more than you do, but you know Kid, Jimmy, he can't just sit here. Maybe he is too anxious to get blood on his hands, like you always said, but it is his choice."

"Lou, just please try to talk him out of it. I don't want him to be killed," Jimmy admitted.

"Why don't you tell him that yourself? You've both been fighting with each other for so long, you've forgotten how much you love one another. You won't be able to change his mind, but you might be able to save your friendship."

Jimmy shook his head, and looked at Lou sadly. She was more beautiful than ever, and had thrived on married life. Her figure had filled out as she had gone from girl to young woman, her hair was longer and a shiny chestnut brown, her eyes bright, and her skin usually flushed prettily. Tonight however, she looked pale and stricken, and fragile. _God forgive me_ , he thought, _I still want her for myself. I'd give my life for Kid, and yet I want what is most dear to him._

He didn't want to hurt Lou, and yet he knew he owed it to her to be honest, "Lou, I meant what I said. If he rides out of here to fight for the South, we become enemies. It's against everything I believe in, Lou. And that means that you and I can never see each other again."

A sob caught in Lou's throat and she went to Jimmy and flung her arms around him tightly.

"Don't do this! You know I love you Jimmy! I love you more than anything in this world, next to my husband! Don't make me choose between you, please!"

With tears standing in his eyes, Jimmy reached up to pry her arms from around his neck. He brought up both of his hands to cradle her cheeks and whispered, "Lou, you already have."

With that he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and choked out, "goodbye Lou" before he left the bunkhouse.

Lou wrapped her arms around herself and sat down at the empty table after he was gone. Tears rolled down her cheeks, but she felt empty, leveled. Her eyes searched the small house as she recalled all the days and weeks and months that had passed with all of them laughing, loving, and surviving together.

Jimmy was right, Kid was asking her to leave everything familiar and to travel to a land she'd never seen, a land where she'd be an outsider, while he left her to fight for a cause she didn't believe in. It was a lot to ask.

Sighing, she rested her forehead against the well-worn wood of the table that had hosted so many memories, and she resolved herself to leave. She would follow him to the very pits of Hell if he asked her to, because she understood him and she loved him completely

And, she would discover, indeed it was a very real kind of hell that they were all approaching and a time when even the strongest of ties would be tested.


	2. Chapter 1: Casualties

Chapter One: Casualties

A thick smoke clung low to the ground, blocking out an overcast sky. Bullets whined and roared incessantly, and artillery boomed relentlessly from all sides, sending flaming shards of metal through the air. Man after man screamed in agony, and the wails united into one terrifying pitch.

"God help us," Kid whispered as yet another shell screamed overhead.

"I think God packed up and headed home about the time the Yanks got here," Ben Raymond, said softly, turning over on his back to reload his weapon and pulling his neck in close as another bullet whizzed by them.

During a short break in the crossfire, Kid fought to lift his elbows out of the thick, slimy mud, and turned to reload his weapon also. He let his gaze travel over the day's carnage. Most of his company lay dead or close to it all around him, and the fighting was a long way from over.

It was the worst battle he'd seen yet, and he'd been with the Seventeenth Virginia since that first day at Bull Run, the summer of sixty-one. Had that only been a little over a year ago? Kid wondered.

He'd seen and endured a lifetime of grief and suffering since then. His eyes traveled to his own hands, completely covered in mud, as was the rest of his body. He was thin and sickly from the hard winter and the small rations the dwindling resources of the Confederate Army dictated they receive, and homesick beyond belief.

He put his hand over the breast pocket of the warm woolen shirt Lou had given him the last time he saw her, the Christmas of 1861. In that pocket he had every letter she'd written him, including the last one that begged him to try and make it home for this Christmas. He missed her with a pain more acute than anything he'd ever imagined, and his greatest fear was that he would be killed before he could look into her eyes again.

The last time he saw her he'd been amazed at the change in her. He'd married a girl, and slowly she was coming into her own as a woman, with a grace and beauty he'd only seen glimpses of in the past.

It hadn't been easy on her, Kid knew. Parting from Rachel, Teaspoon, and the boys had nearly broken her heart, especially with the hard feelings left unresolved at the time of their departure.

Jimmy had ridden out the night after the fight in the bunkhouse, and they hadn't seen or heard from him since.

This was the biggest burden on Lou's heart, he knew, because though he'd been jealous of it, he'd always understood that a special bond existed between Lou and his best friend.

Lou had admitted to him last Christmas that Jimmy had yet to answer one of her many letters to him. The others hadn't been quite as angry as Jimmy, but there had been a feeling of strained politeness that last week, and for the first time Kid had felt unwelcome with the men he'd thought of as brothers.

He and Lou had purchased a small tract of land with an old farmhouse on it when they arrived in Virginia. He'd only lived with her there for a month before he was called to service, and he knew the place still didn't feel like home to her, though she never said so. A kindly older couple were Lou's only company, for when she'd ridden into town with their neighbors, she'd not been received kindly and had been treated as an outsider, even as she labored alongside the ladies in the hospital.

She was so used to working with men, she had found the politics and circles of southern women bewildering. And those women found Lou's directness just as foreign.

Though she'd never admit it to Kid, he knew she was lonely, but no amount of pleading or begging on his part could convince her to wait for him in Rock Creek. If Lou only saw her husband once every year, she wouldn't give up those few precious days for months of comfort with people who loved her. She'd said being so far away from him, waiting on word to reach her months later, would have driven her mad.

"Better come back to the battlefield, Kid," Ben said, well aware of his friend's tendency to daydream about his beautiful wife, "The blue bellies are about ready for another go-round!"

Ben was from Georgia, and hadn't been able to make it home during leave for Christmas last year, so Kid had graciously offered him a place to enjoy the holiday. Ben had been smitten by Lou from the moment he saw her charging down the drive to catapult into her husband's ready arms. She'd made him feel completely at home, and had taken the edge off of his homesickness. Ben couldn't blame Kid for thinking about her.

Ben and Kid had grown close, almost a close as he and Jimmy had once been. Ben didn't hold the lofty notion that ten Yankees still didn't match one Southerner as so many of the soldiers in their company did. Ben fought for the same reason Kid did, because he loved his native soil of Georgia. Both men seemed to realize the desperation of the South. They were out numbered, out gunned, and out supplied by the North.

Honor bound, they kept fighting anyway.

"All right men!" A gruff voice sounded, and Kid and Ben twisted in the mud to find their Captain crawling up towards them on his elbows. Captain Eli Browning was an admirable leader who had gained his men's confidence long ago.

"Are we going closer, Sir?" Ben asked incredulously, his sandy blonde hair falling over his brown eyes from underneath his hat. They all looked ragged and unkempt, but Ben was one who just looked rumpled no matter how fresh his clothes.

"No, we're falling back!" Browning said.

"All this for nothing!" Kid cried out, and his eyes sought the now sightless ones of the dead boy from Richmond who lay at his side, "Why did we fight in the first place! We can't give up now!"

Eli sighed. Kid was an intelligent man with real possibilities for advancement, especially given the rapid death rate of men in ranking positions. But Kid was stubborn, and could never bring himself to admit when it was time to quit and accept defeat.

"I don't like it any more than you do, but we're beaten! Now fall back! There are reinforcements on the way. That's an order! The artillery has got the range on us, and any minute they'll fire up the cannons again!"

Kid nodded and reluctantly started to crawl backwards, not able to resist firing a few shots as he went.

He'd stopped wondering what happened when those bullets were brought to a halt, presumably by the body of a blue-coated soldier, a long time ago.

At first, he'd been tormented by nightmares of women like Lou receiving notices in the mail and sobbing for years because of his hand, of mothers and fathers ruined by the loss of their son, of all the destruction war wrought on everyone. But he'd seen too many of the horrors, seen too many good men in gray killed by bullets to wonder any more.

He'd become a true soldier, a machine. After the war, there would likely be horrors and nightmares. For the time being, it was all he could do to keep going without Lou. He dare not think of the destruction he wrought on his road back to her.

But for all his fear, and all his regret and distaste for the business of war, he believed in his cause as strongly as ever.

The whine of an incoming mortar snapped him back to attention, and he was vaguely aware of the shouts of men around him.

He looked up just in time to see the shell crashing down almost directly on top of Ben, who was now several yards away. He saw his friend's face convulse and his fingers dig into the ground in pain. A shower of dirt and metal went up, blinding Kid. Pain ripped through his shoulder as a piece of shell struck him.

Kid barely dared raise his head when the dust settled. His ears ringing so much that the battle was totally muted, and wiping what he thought to be mud but was actually blood from his eyes, he desperately sought to check on Ben and Captain Browning. A sob escaped his lips as he used his good arm to pull himself toward the scene, every movement sending shattering pain through his left side.

Both men were dead, mutilated by the shell. Kid closed his friend and the Captain's eyes, and was only slightly aware of the dizzying pain in his own arm. He dared not look at the wound.

Cursing in fury at the senselessness and insanity of it all, he wondered why in God's name these two good men had been killed, when, if the shell had fallen only a foot more to the right it would be he that was dead. He buried his face in the mud and screamed with grief that made him nearly mad, clutching at the mud with his good hand until his fingers were raw.

Finally, merciful darkness found him as he passed out, closing his eyes on the hell of the Battle of Fredericksburg.

* * *

"Please, tell my wife that I loved her more than anything…that I'm sorry to leave her like this, so soon…tell her to go home…and that I died a whole man…tell her that when our baby is born and she looks into his eyes, it'll be me staring back at her, Tell her…she's the only good thing I ever knew…"

The words got fainter and fainter as did the light in the bright blue eyes staring up from the death bed.

Lou's hand trembled as she wrote furiously, trying to keep up with the rapidly slurring words of the young man laying on the cot. Her tears fell onto the paper as he spoke of his unborn child, and Lou clenched her teeth and refused to lose control here, at this poor boy's bedside.

Not six months ago, she'd miscarried her own child. She hadn't seen Kid for over a year, and her unborn child had filled her with such great hope. She would have had something to love in the absence of Kid, and there would have been life in the midst of all the death. But one morning something had gone terribly wrong, and if it hadn't been for the help of Ellen Garner, her elderly next door neighbor, she likely would have died also. She'd been down for a week with childbed fever and Ellen and Henry had taken care of everything. There was a little marker now in the town's church graveyard. Lou had not been able to bring herself to visit it yet.

Kid had never received the letter announcing the joyous news in the first place, mail was so scarce and unreliable. Lou knew she'd have to tell him, but she wouldn't write him with such devastating news, never knowing if he'd read it before going into battle and if the distraction could kill him. She wished more than anything to never have to burden him with the tragedy, knowing he'd blame himself somehow.

"Miss, would you hold my hand? I'm scared to die. I believe in Jesus, but I'm still scared…would you pray with me?"

Lou leaned close to the young man's bed, and grasped his cold hand with both of her own. She put the other against his already cooling cheek. How many blood covered hands had she held, how many eyes near death had she stared into unblinkingly, trying to give assurance that the soul staring out from them was loved and had died a noble death? _But God!_ Lou cried out inwardly, _how could it be noble to die writhing underneath a surgical saw with no medicine to ease the pain?_

It wasn't long before the boy in front of her ceased to whimper and cry, and his eyes closed forever, the creases of pain in his forehead only lessening slightly in death.

Lou bent her head over the young man and wept for him, as she did for all of them. She was still sitting there with her head bowed when a gentle hand shook her shoulder.

Lou jumped and looked up to find Ellen's gentle brown eyes looking at her sadly.

"So many of them die," Lou whispered, shaking her head.

"I know, Louise, my dear," Ellen sighed and patted a strand of white hair that had escaped her neat white bun before saying uncomfortably, "Louise, I thought you'd like to know, the casualty lists are in from Fredericksburg. I haven't seen them yet…"

Lou bolted from her chair and rapidly wove in and out of the rows of beds in the makeshift hospital, ignoring the cries of the men as she went to make sure Kid's name wasn't on the list.

It was a form of torture scanning those lists. Kid had adopted her last name, and she dreaded seeing it with a terror that caused bile to rise in her throat and blood to pound in her temples. The other women were elbowing in to get a copy, but Lou, small though she was, had soon forced her way to the front.

Lou found a copy of the list, casting a fiery eye on anyone with a mind to try to grab it from her hand as she retreated to a corner to read the names in solitude. She was vaguely aware of wailing and moaning as woman after woman found a lover or family member on the list. They all had friends to comfort them, and Lou suddenly felt very alone as she started flipping through page upon page, looking for the M's.

Time seemed to slow as her eyes scanned the list. _McAllister,…McElroy…_ Lou felt tears spring to her eyes and she buried her face in her hands sobbing with relief. She quickly straightened up, knowing that other women were as anxious to see the list as she. She was about to return it when another name sprung to mind, and as she flipped to the end of the list, his name jumped off the page at her as if it was written larger than all the others.

 _Ben Raymond._

New tears filled her eyes as she recalled the gentle young man from Georgia that had become so close to her husband. She could only imagine Kid's grief at losing him. After she relinquished the list to the mob of hoop skirts, Lou wearily sat herself down at a table and put her head in her hands, taking deep breaths to steady herself.

Ellen came up to her and squeezed her shoulder, her face showing that she feared the worst.

"No, its okay, Kid's okay," Lou said shakily, "But Ben, do you remember Ben from last Christmas?" Her eyes filled with tears, as Ellen nodded sadly, "He's on the list."

"Poor dear," Ellen said softly, and took Lou by the shoulders, "Come, let's go home. You'll have supper with me and Henry."

"Oh, no, really," Lou began in protest.

"Shh! I'll hear nothing of it. Kid asked me to look after you, and to tell you the truth, Henry and I love having you there. It gives Henry someone else to try his opinions out on," She said with a wink, and Lou smiled through her tears as she thought of the well meaning, but opinionated older man.

Ellen set her arm around the girl's shoulder and steered her out of the old house that served as a military hospital.

That night Lou enjoyed the kinder older couple's company, but her eyes kept drifting out into the cold December night, where a light powdery snow was falling. She longed to have Kid home for Christmas, but the holiday was less than a week away, and with the Battle of Fredricksburg just over, she imagined the infantry would be moving quickly to expound on their victory.

She finally wrapped her shawl around her shoulders and walked out into the night, after insisting Henry didn't have to walk her through the small fallow field that separated their homes.

"Louise, dear, please promise to go to bed instead of staring out the window like you always do. Watching won't bring him home any faster, you know."

Lou smiled at Ellen and nodded her promise, but silently vowed to leave the candle burning in the window like she had every night since he'd first left. It was superstitious, she knew, but it was her ritual to see him home safe.

She was climbing the stairs to the rickety old farmhouse she now called home when something struck her as odd. The door was slightly cracked. Her eyes looked back to the snow, and her heart leapt in her throat to see large footprints next to her older, smaller ones.

Someone was in her home!

All the horror stories she'd ever heard about deserters and lone women came rushing to mind, but disgusted with herself for her sudden fear, she decided she'd been spending too much time around the simpering belles at the hospital.

 _This deserter,_ she decided, _picked the wrong damn house on the wrong damn day._ Her fingers dug in her bag for her gun, the same gun which had seen her through the express and that she still carried for late nights coming home from the hospital with Ellen.

Ever so slowly, with her heart beating in her throat, but her jaw clenched in fury, Lou let herself into the house. She avoided the creaking boards on the floor as she stole softly through the pallor and towards the kitchen. She heard slight movement in there, and cocked the hammer of her gun.

 _Now or never,_ she thought with a sigh, hesitating only a moment outside the kitchen door. Then she took a deep breath and burst through it, brandishing her gun like a sword, and growling fiercely.

It took Lou's eyes a second to adjust to the dimly candlelit kitchen, and even longer for her to believe what she saw there.

Standing there in the middle of the floor, shirtless and barefoot with a chicken wing frozen to his lips was her husband, who now was staring fearfully at her over the food.

"Kid," Lou breathed finally, her eyes misting with tears, and obscuring the view she'd dreamed of for over a year. He was very, very thin, and paler than she'd ever seen him under the Western Sun. His hair was too long and she could tell he'd only recently shaved his face from what she was sure had been weeks worth of a beard. His eyes were bright though, and filled with tears as he gazed at her, a huge smile stretching his lips and transforming his face.

Kid couldn't look away from her; Lou had been the one for him since he'd first discovered her secret. He couldn't believe how far they'd both come since then, and it comforted him in the world gone crazy just to look into her eyes, still a little wild with the urge to attack her would-be home invader. She looked more beautiful than she ever had to him, though he could see in her face the year apart had been a hard one, and she still took his breath away.

They stood and stared at each other for at least a minute, content to let their eyes have their fill, content to know that the other was all right.

Then Lou could stand to be apart from him no longer, and the gun clattered to the floor as she leapt across the room and into his arms. Their tears mingled as they embraced, and Lou turned her face up to Kid's to claim his lips.

Kid broke the kiss first and bent his head against her shoulder and whispered, "Lou, I have to tell you-Ben…"

"Shhh, Kid, I know," Lou said soothingly, and her hands caressed the back of his neck as he cried into her shoulder. Her breath was hot on his ear a few minutes later when she whispered, "Kid, let's go get you cleaned up."

Kid followed obediently as she led him by the hand up the stairs and he helped her draw him a hot bath. Then slowly, she unbuttoned his shirt, and cried out with horror at the slowly healing, but still nasty wound on his shoulder.

"Kid, a doctor should see this!" She said, fearfully studying it.

"They'll just take it off!" Kid growled, "They don't have time to see to it! I've had worse, Lou, it will heal. I'm not letting them chop my arm off!"

Lou sighed, Kid was right. And she'd seen many men with less serious wounds suffer amputations simply because it was the most expedient way to deal with the patient.

As long as Lou could keep it clean, it would be fine. When Kid went back to the battlefield, though, there would be no way to keep it from getting inflamed, given the deplorable conditions she knew they lived in, though Kid had never complained.

Lou was silent as she stirred steaming water into the tub and as Kid slowly climbed in. It broke her heart to see him so thin, even more so than when he'd first started riding for the express. She kneeled beside the tub and gently sponged off his lanky shoulders and back, still enamored by his strength and beauty.

"How long can you stay?" Lou finally whispered, avoiding Kid's eyes to hide her tears from him. She always hated asking, always hated the answer. It was never long enough.

"A week. I'm being reassigned. My whole company was killed, besides me."

"Kid, your shoulder needs time to heal!"

"Lou, we've been over this before. You know I have to go back."

"The Confederacy has had you for almost two years! When do I get a chance?" Lou cried out.

Kid sighed and reached out a wet hand to caress Lou's cheek, "When the war is over, we'll have our whole lives."

Lou sighed wearily, but didn't point out that the odds were against him surviving the war. She didn't want to waste the few precious days they had together fighting.

"Then I guess we'll just have to make this week special enough to last until we meet again," Lou said huskily, and stared fully into Kid's eyes.

A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he stood in the tub, and reached for Lou, sweeping her up into his arms, and not feeling the slightest bit of pain in his shoulder.

Whatever battles raged outside that cold Virginia night, inside the walls of a certain small farmhouse North and South were completely at peace.

However, even as Lou snuggled close to Kid's strong chest and lay awake all night listening to the treasured rhythm of his heart beat, even as Kid slept contentedly, not haunted by nightmares for the first time in months, trouble was marching fast, clad in blue.


	3. Chapter 2: Christmas Surprises

Chapter 2: Christmas Surprises

Jimmy walked out to the barn quietly, hands shoved deep into his pockets. The night air had a sharp bite to it, but he didn't really feel it.

Once inside the old barn he found himself drawn to the same stall that always called him…Katy's.

The gentle paint mare pushed her face out over the door and nickered upon seeing him. Jimmy sighed, and felt glad that Kid had arranged to leave her in Rock Creek while he went to fight. Kid hadn't been able to bear the thought of her shot in battle, and knew she'd be an easy target with her loud color. Although it was comforting to have a piece of his old friend around, especially with him so distant now, Jimmy found it painful at the same time.

It brought back too many memories of happier times. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth when he remembered how, at first, Kid had wanted to sleep in the stable, instead of the bunkhouse with all of them.

Jimmy stroked the beautiful mare as he did almost every night, feeling as if he owed it to Kid to pay her special attention. "Damn sight more personable than your owner, girl," Jimmy muttered to her, as he did quite often, and again let his mind drift to the rift between he and Kid...and Lou.

Jimmy shook his head and felt the old anger flare in his chest when he thought of Kid fighting for the Confederacy.

"What a fool!" he exclaimed softly, releasing his breath, a cloud of vapor in the frosty air, "has the whole world in his hands and he is willing to throw it all away!"

Thinking of Kid inevitably turned his thoughts to Lou. As he did every night, he walked to Lightning's stall door and held an apple in the palm of his hand and let the black mare pluck it gently from him.

"Enjoy it, girl. Getting harder to get them out here these days." He smiled when the horse butted his arm, hoping for more and he gave her a farewell pat.

Gingerly he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the last of her letters to him. His heart grew heavy as he gently unfolded the well-worn creases and sank down in the sawdust to read it yet again.

 _Dear Jimmy,_

 _I guess I should finally admit to myself that you are not ever going to write back. I didn't really believe until now that you would really cut all ties with me. There have been so many days I've looked through my mail, longing to hear from you, to know you are well…but I hear from Rachel, Cody, Buck, and Teaspoon that you are in good health. But they say you seem sad, and sometimes I almost hope that it is because you miss Kid and I. Don't think I'm being cruel, it is just because we miss you, Jimmy…I miss you! We went through so much together, and I love you like family. These are such hard times for me, Jimmy. I know they are hard for everyone. Sometimes I just want to quit, and throw my hands in the air and scream 'Enough!' But I can't, and I know you understand that. As much as you hate it that I'm here with Kid, I know good and well you understand why I had to come. And I know that you understand just as completely why Kid is here. Oh why do you both have to be so damn proud?_

 _I haven't seen or heard from Kid in months. The only way I have of knowing if he is alive is by word of mouth and those damned casualty lists. I read them in my nightmares! I just thank God that none of you are involved in the fighting. I couldn't stand searching those lists for your name as well! I work in the hospital in town, and watch boy after boy die screaming. Oh God, when will this madness end, Jimmy?_

 _I sigh as I write these words, because I know in all probability you will refuse to read them. Oh, Jimmy, if you are reading this, can't you find it in your heart to reply, just once? Just a line or two to say that you are alright, that you are surviving, that you hate me, anything, anything at all would be welcome! I suppose you can't-rather you won't-do that._

 _So I'm writing to tell you that you'll get your wish if I don't hear from you this time, Jimmy. I won't write you anymore, and I won't bother you. I'll let you just forget me completely if that is what you want…but whatever your response to this letter is, my dear old friend, know that I love you with all my heart and wish the best for you always. You are one of the greatest men I've had the honor of knowing, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise!_

 _Love Always,_

 _Lou_

 _P.S. please give Lightning an apple from me. I miss her something fierce._

Tears stung the back of Jimmy's eyes as he folded the letter again with trembling hands. How many times had he picked up a pen and a piece of paper to reply to her? How many crumpled sheets of incoherent thoughts and apologies to Lou had he burned in the fire? Lou had been true to her word.

The last letter had come almost six months ago, and she hadn't written him again. Occasionally he saw her neat handwriting in mail going to one of the others, but never to him.

It broke his heart. Especially as Christmas approached and thoughts of their old family haunted every moment. He missed Kid, Lou, Noah, Ike, Emma, and Sam whole-heartedly.

He also hated the inactivity of his life. He acted as deputy of Rock Creek, but there was no action. Everyone was fighting the war or the winter, and that left no time for trouble making. Cody was serving with the army in the West, and doing a lot of work scouting. They sometimes didn't see him for weeks at a time. Buck divided his time between Rock Creek and the Kiowa, and Rachel was busy teaching school.

Jimmy wasn't sure where he fit in. Countless times he considered joining the Union, but the thought of facing Kid on a field of battle sent a cold chill down the length of his spine, and, if he entertained the thought long enough, brought a clammy sweat beading on his forehead. He could never be put in the position of killing Kid, not for any cause. Not even one he believed in with his whole heart.

"Damn it, Kid. You better survive this."

* * *

"Lou, how's Jimmy?"

Lou turned around from where she was trimming the tree Kid had insisted on cutting down and dragging into the house, and smiled gently. Her husband tried to hide it, but he still loved Jimmy as much as she did.

"Rachel said he's doing fine. He's working as Teaspoon's deputy. Town's been quiet with the war on."

Kid smiled, "Who would have thought that the hothead we first met would one day end up upholding the law instead of looking for ways to break it?"

Lou laughed lightly, and stood back to admire the red ribbons she'd tied symmetrically on the tree.

Suddenly she felt Kid's arms slide around her waist from behind, and she leaned her head back against his chest as they surveyed the small Christmas tree together.

Kid kissed her cheek softly, and Lou was concerned at the feverish feel of his cheek as it pressed against hers. But asking about his health had only ended in them fighting about him going back to the army, so she chose not to say anything…yet.

"It's pretty, isn't it?" Lou sighed, running her fingers lightly over his arms.

"Yes you are, I mean it is," Kid grinned boyishly, and then set her on her feet and moved to the tree, "Almost perfect, in fact."

"Almost?" Lou demanded softly, not sure if he was referring to her or the tree, but not pleased for his assessment of either to be just almost perfect.

Kid suddenly snatched a ribbon from the tree.

"Kid! It was perfect! They were all evenly spaced, and now…"

Lou's voice trailed off as Kid came to stand in front of her. Gently he put both hands on her shoulders and spun her around. Then his hands were running through her hair, hair that now reached halfway down her back in waves of shining dark auburn, and he was lifting it off her neck. When he had done his best at creating somewhat of a braid down her back, he tied it with the red ribbon in a ridiculously large bow.

Lou giggled as she felt hairs already escaping brush against her cheek.

"Maybe you should be a barber instead of a soldier, dear," She jested him.

"Maybe you should be quiet," Kid growled softly, but though she had her back to him, Lou could hear the smile in his voice.

"Dinner is almost ready," She began softly, turning around and faltering a bit when she saw the look in his eye. It was so loving, so passionate that she felt gleeful and excited, but also so sad to know every moment brought them toward another endless separation.

"Dinner can wait," Kid whispered, and took Lou into his arms.

A while later, Lou sat with Kid, curled up on the floor in front of their fireplace. It was Christmas Eve, and Lou had what she wanted most in the world, Kid by her side.

She glanced up at him to see his eyes half-closed. She hated to admit it, but her husband didn't look well. He tired easily, and a cough was beginning to bother him. He always seemed to be running a low fever, and he didn't eat enough, though Lou constantly tried to tempt him with food. What he did eat often troubled his stomach.

Her mind drifted back to last Christmas, when she, Ben, and Kid had sat down on Christmas Eve and drank fine brandy and talked of their families.

They'd both been so full of energy and so glad to be home, and she hadn't been able to keep enough food on the table to feed their voracious appetites. Ben had been so warm, and funny, and kind, and Lou felt tears rise to her eyes as she thought of him now, buried in a mass grave somewhere in Virginia, so far from his beloved Georgia, and his four sisters and mother.

The tears rose higher as she thought of how hard it had been to watch them march off down the drive together. She'd taken comfort in the fact that Ben would watch out for Kid. She didn't know how she would bear watching him march out alone, sick and cold, to a company where he didn't know a soul.

She also remembered her hope and joy at discovering she was carrying Kid's child not long after he marched away. She remembered putting the letter in the mail to him, nearly dancing as she imagined his joy when he received it. Kid had wanted children, and had been so sad when he learned that her brother and sister had been living with a family in St. Joe that loved them. They hadn't wanted to leave, and Lou didn't have the heart to make them. The news that Kid was going to be a father was the one bright spot in a very dark and terrifying year of skirmishing and battles and waiting.

Her lips trembled as she thought of the day she'd lost her child. It had been the most devastating experience of her life, and she'd gone through it alone. Kid would want to know, and Kid had the right to know, she realized, and gathered her nerve to tell him the truth.

"Lou, I see Ben's face in my nightmares, the way he looked when he got hit by that shell," Kid suddenly broke into her thoughts, his voice clipped with sobs as he confessed to her, "Lou, I don't understand why they died and I lived!"

Lou instantly wrapped her arms around him, and laid her head against his, chasing the thought of sharing her secret with him away for the moment.

He had seen too much to live with the guilt of knowing that she'd gone through a miscarriage without him. It would serve no purpose to trouble him with it now. "Oh, Kid, I know! In your letters you make everything sound so much better than it must be! I want to know what you are going through, Kid! You ought to know I ain't gonna faint away!"

And Kid drew a deep breath and told her of some of the horrors he'd witnessed. There were some that were just too unspeakable though, and he refused to burden her heart with them.

Lou listened with tears standing in her eyes, knowing he was still protecting her from the worst of it, same as she was doing for him.

After a while they settled down to watch the fire in silence, content to just be together.

Kid suddenly was given to a fit of coughs that wracked his chest and left him gasping.

Lou instantly was up, bringing warm compresses to lay on his chest, and feeling his head for fever. It was higher than earlier in the day.

"Oh, Kid, you are so sick! There is no way you can go back in two days! You'll catch your death! Do you know how many boys die from sickness? Many more than from battle wounds!"

"I ain't got a choice, Lou. I am going back!" Kid growled stubbornly.

"The hell you are!" Lou spat back, "If I have to drug you and tie you down, you aren't leaving till you get better!"

"The Confederate Army decides when I come and go, not you, Lou!" Kid sighed, knowing she spoke sense but adhering to his sense of duty and patriotism.

"If the Confederate Army has a problem with it, then Robert E. Lee can come marching up to our door and speak with me about it! And if I were you, I'd fear my wrath a lot more than the Confederate Army's!" Lou snapped, "Now, let's get you to bed!"

"Lou," Kid began angrily, but was cut off by another round of coughing.

Kid sighed sheepishly when he got his breath back. Anything he said after that point just wouldn't help his argument, he realized, and he meekly let Lou help him up to bed.

They said no more about his impending schedule of departure, nor Lou's determination to keep him there that night or the next day.

Lou fixed a Christmas dinner, her cooking lessons from Ellen showing in the wonderful smells drifting from the kitchen all day, and Ellen and Henry joined them, combining their own Christmas dinner into one huge feast. There was laughter, and warmth and a sense of family that Lou hadn't felt since they left Rock Creek. Kid sat wrapped in a huge blanket in his chair by the fire later that night when Lou walked in shyly, with something behind her back.

"What are you up to?" He demanded with a slight smile.

"Nothing…I just got you a little something for Christmas is all," Lou approached him and kneeled at his feet, bringing the small package up to rest on his lap, "It isn't much, Kid…we don't have a lot of money you know, and the blockade has cut out almost every luxury in town."

Kid blinked and stared at Lou, who gazed up at him with her eyes shining brightly in the firelight. She looked beautiful in a hunter green velvet dress, and her hair twisted back neatly. His heart suddenly swelled with love and appreciation for her, and tears rose in his eyes.

"Well, don't cry, it isn't that bad of a present!" Lou charged him, but felt tears rising in her own eyes as well as she folded her arms across his knees and set her chin on them, looking up at him as he picked up the package.

Kid opened the tiny package with trembling fingers, and pulled out a small charm on a silver chain. His eyes looked to Lou for explanation.

"It's Saint Christopher, the protector…he'll keep you safe," Lou said, and bowed her head as tears rolled out of her eyes. The thought of anything as small as the charm keeping him safe from the war that raged on outside was absurd, but she dared to pray that it would help somewhat.

"I'm sure it will, Lou," Kid said as he climbed down from his chair to wrap his arms around her, "But while we're doing this, I happen to have a little something for you too."

He kissed the top of her head and left the room to come back a moment later with a small package. Her hands trembled as she opened it, and found inside an official looking piece of paper. She looked to Kid with her eyebrows drawn together.

Kid smiled and explained, "Lou, this is the deed to some property. It is the deed to the old Sweetwater station. After the express ended, Russell, Majors, and Wadell had to sell off everything, you see," he paused and smiled gently as tears of joy started rolling down her cheeks, "I remembered how happy we were there, and thought it might be a good place to start over, after the war. We could raise horses like we always talked about."

"Oh, Kid!" Lou breathed, and kissed him gently.

"There's one more thing, Lou…" Kid felt tears well again in his eyes as he said, "The property is all in your name, it's your land, in case…" he smiled sadly as she shook her head in horror, refusing to admit the possibility of his next words, "in case I don't make it through the war. I was going to wait till after the war to give it to you, and Teaspoon still has a copy of all the paperwork in case anything happens to me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when I gave this to you, just in case I don't have another chance."

At this Lou burst into sobs and flung her arms around Kid's neck, unable to believe that he would be ripped from her grasp in just a few days time to go out into the bloody war yet again. She loved him too much to go on without him, and yet he'd made provisions for her to live out their dreams should he not survive the war.

"I'm begging you, Kid, don't go back!" Lou sobbed, "let's go now! Let's go and forget the blood and the hate! Let's start our life!"

"Lou, we can't forget the blood and the hate. I've started this fight, and I have to see it through, to the bitter end. Too much has been lost for me to give up now! If I do give up, what has it all been for? Why have you and I been through Hell for two years? No, Lou. The war won't last forever, and I don't plan on ending up like the rest of my company. But for them, I have to go on, and for them I have to survive!"

Lou felt hot words of disagreement rise to her lips, but she quelled them and instead turned her face into Kid's neck and hugged him tightly.

There was no way to avoid it. Though she'd talked Kid into staying a few extra days at least to get better, she couldn't talk him into abandoning the South.

His love for the South may not have been as strong as his love for her, Lou realized, but it had been burning in his soul for much, much longer.

* * *

Lou shivered against the frosty air as she ducked inside the small barn. The chickens and cow left there were happy to see her as she fed them.

Sadly, she recalled how well stocked the barn had been before the war. Although she and Kid had left their horses in Rock Creek to be protected from the ravages of war, they'd been able to purchase an old mule, two cows, several pigs, three goats, and many chickens. Now all that was left was the old milk cow and six or seven hens. The Confederate Army had started delving into the supplies of its citizens very early into the war, and she might have been bitter if she hadn't realized it meant Kid got one more meal.

She came out of the barn shivering with the cold, and not even her thick, chocolate brown velvet dress and cloak helped to warm her. It was a miserable, wet winter, which wasn't helping Kid's illness at all. He grew sicker by the day, and was too weak to stay out of bed for more than a few hours.

She raised her head and searched the tree crowded horizon as the sharp smell of smoke suddenly permeated her nostrils. Wrinkling her brow in confusion, she wondered who in the world would be burning leaves at a time like this, with the ground covered in snow.

The air grew cloudy with smoke as she walked back to the house, and she realized whatever was burning must either be very close, or very large.

Then a movement caught her eye through the snow covered trees, and her heart slammed against the wall of her chest. Down on the road, moving in a slowly undulating, but seemingly never ending wave of blue was a large company of Yankees. Suddenly, it was apparent why the air was filled with smoke. They were burning the houses of the citizens. She wasn't sure how or when the area had fallen to the Yankees, but they were here.

They now turned and marched up her drive, coming slowly but strongly. She glanced helplessly up at the old farmhouse, and then at Henry and Ellen's century old home. The older couple was in Richmond, visiting their daughter, and there was no one to help her protect both of their homes but a very sick Kid, who would be taken prisoner if they discovered him.

She never imagined she would fear and hate the sight of the Union uniform so much. They were not her enemy, they were her husband's…but it had never been so clear that she was bound to her husband so completely that whatever threatened him instantly became a hated foe. A rapidly burning fury ignited in her chest and the pail of milk she was carrying clattered to the ground and mixed with the snow as she lifted her skirts and sprinted for the house.

There was no time to warn Kid of the danger he was in, so Lou paused only long enough to grab the rifle from the closet before bursting out onto the front porch. She carefully propped the weapon out of sight, behind the column of the porch. She took deep breaths as the first of the soldiers came into clear view, and drew herself to her full height, never feeling the disadvantage of her small stature so completely as she did now.

Lou stood her ground, even as the long line of blue coats grew closer to her home. She did not lean against the railing of the porch for support, but rather stood straight and proud, showing none of the fear that made her knees tremble beneath the billowing skirts of her dress.

The Union troops, under the command of Captain Joseph Kent, advanced steadily toward the large old farmhouse. Several of the soldiers glanced away from the woman on the porch uneasily, knowing the grim task ahead of them. Several more, however, stared at her with a mixture of awe and fear.

Jonathan Monroe was one of the latter. As he watched the young woman stand her ground the hair at the back of his neck stood on end. He knew that it was foolish for him to feel what resembled fear as he gazed on her, but the look in the small woman's fiery eyes was enough to halt the entire Army of the Potomac and send it running back to the sea. If he lived to be a hundred years old he'd never forget the look in those large, expressive eyes. They were beautiful, and framed by long eyelashes, but it wasn't their beauty that held so many of the soldiers captive; it was the look within them. They blazed and snapped and such fury and hatred moved in them that Jonathan moved his hand closer to his weapon as if to protect himself from her. The look in her eyes was equaled by the set of her jaw, her stormy scowl, and the fists clenched in helpless rage at her side.

Joseph Kent halted his company, and they fanned out across Lou's snow covered lawn.

"Are you alone, ma'am?" He called to her.

"I can assure you I do not have a hundred men behind me like you do, so surely there's no reason for you to be alarmed!" Lou replied in a voice that was too calm to be anything but deadly.

"Is anyone else in the house?" The Captain repeated.

Lou felt as if she might be ill right there in front of them. She couldn't very well turn Kid over, but at the same time, if they burned her home, she'd have to.

"Answer me, Miss!" The Captain demanded.

"It's Mrs.!" Lou corrected him coldly, "What right do you have to burn a lone woman out of her home! I'm not even a Southerner! I'm only here because my husband fights for the South!"

"Sadly, you must pay for his misdeeds! He is a rebel, he has committed treason against his country by taking arms against it! Search the house for valuables! Then burn it to the ground!" Joseph Kent barked to his men. Lou took dark satisfaction in knowing all their valuables were buried safely, except the most valuable thing of all, Kid.

"No!" Lou growled, and leapt for the rifle, pointing it at the Captain's heart. "Order them back!" she screamed, cocking the hammer, "or I'll kill you!"

"Ma'am, you can't honestly expect to stand alone against a whole company of soldiers! Put the gun down! You will not be harmed, I assure you!" The Captain began.

Jonathan Monroe had crept quietly around the house and up the back stairs of the porch. Ever so slowly he advanced on the woman who was now holding the gun on his superior. In one fluid motion he leapt for her and snatched the gun from her hands, while locking restraining arms around her struggling form.

"Let me go!" She screeched, and turned all her energy against the tall man with jet black hair and bright green eyes she had noticed staring at her earlier.

"Be still, and you won't be hurt! There is no way for you to stop this, and it will go easier if you don't fight!" He growled in her ear.

Suddenly though, the door to their house flew open and a weak, pale Kid appeared on the porch with his revolver pointed at the man holding Lou's arms.

"Let go of my wife right now, Yank, or today will be your last!"


	4. Chapter 3: Scorched Earth

Chapter 3: Scorched Earth

There was a moment of stunned silence when Kid appeared on the porch, looking ready to take on the entire company, and especially the tall man who dared lay hands on Lou.

Lou gasped as she snapped her head around to look at Kid. Seeing the soldiers start to draw their weapons against him, she let loose a sound that was inhuman and ripped herself from the Yankee's grasp. She crossed the porch in two great leaps and shielded Kid's body with her own.

"Don't hurt him!" She screeched, clinging to him even as Kid struggled against her hold.

"Drop the gun!" Joseph Kent cried out, "Or we'll be forced to fire!"

Lou ripped the gun from Kid's grasp and threw it over the porch railing, "There!"

"Lou!" Kid hissed in irritation.

"You can't fight them, Kid!" Lou said, looking into his eyes and tightening her hold on him, "Promise me you won't fight them!"

"They are going to try to take me prisoner, Lou, I'm not letting them!"

"Kid, how are you going to stop them?" Lou reasoned, then pleaded "please, I don't want to see you shot here!"

Kid sighed and fought the urge to tell her that whether he fought or not, the Yankees could kill him if they wished. He wondered momentarily if it might not be better to die than to be hauled to one of the prison camps in the North to waste away slowly. Horror stories had been traded across campfires since the war started about Old Capitol and other such prisons. But for Lou's sake, he knew he couldn't fight. Not now.

"Alright. Go get him!" Captain Kent said quietly, and men instantly charged up the porch.

"No!" Lou cried out softly as they roughly took his arms and pushed her backwards, "Please! He's sick!"

"Stand back, ma'am!" Kent snapped at her.

Still, Lou refused to leave her husband's side as they roughly dragged him down the stairs. Lou shuddered when she saw him faltering with exhaustion.

The men brought Kid to a halt in front of the Captain's horse, and Lou stormed to the animal's side, "My husband is very ill! Please, sir, I'm begging you, let him go! I give you my word he will not fight again! Tell them Kid," Lou said, voice trembling and pleading her husband's cooperation, "tell them that we'll leave Virginia, and go out West, and that you won't fight any more!"

Kid raised his head steadily and glared at the Captain, and Lou's shoulders sagged as she recognized the defiance in her husband's angrily glittering blue eyes.

"Kid, please," Lou whispered, but her husband did not break his stare with Joseph Kent. It was not in him to lie to this man, even if it meant saving his life. He would not trade his devotion to his cause for his freedom, and that distressed Lou to no end.

"Ma'am, I don't think your husband is agreeing, and even if he was, I'd take him in! He's killed American boys!"

"Have you not killed boys as well?" Lou demanded of the Captain, "This is your chance to stop the killing! He's weak, and sick! Surely in the middle of all this madness you can show some mercy!"

"It's past time for mercy, my dear," The Captain said, and suddenly he seemed to look years older than he really was, "Search the house and burn it!"

"No!" Kid suddenly barked, "You can take me prisoner, but leave my wife's shelter out of this! She's done nothing! She doesn't even support the South! My God! It is a sorry day when you blue-bellies have to resort to burning women and children out of their homes in the dead of winter!"

Lou shivered at the bitterness and hate in Kid's voice. The war had given him a hardness she'd not seen before, and though she knew he'd never turn on her with those eyes, she was frightened for him.

"It doesn't matter, Kid, I'm going with you," Lou said softly.

"The Hell you are!" Kid growled.

The Captain remarked at the same time, "I'm afraid you can't Ma'am."

"I won't let you take him without me!" Lou growled fiercely, "You'll have to kill me!"

"Lou, stop this! It's too dangerous for you to go! I'll be fine!"

Lou felt tears rising rapidly in her eyes. If only she'd let him go back to the field like he was supposed to, this wouldn't be happening. The realization that in prison Kid would be out of the fighting was no consolation in the face of the cold, damp cell he would be thrown into. He wasn't strong enough to survive it, she knew.

Lou fought her way to her husband's side, and knowing she only had a few minutes left with him, the other soldiers moved back.

"Kid," She sobbed, her tears scorching his neck, "Kid, don't let them leave me here! I want to be with you!"

"Lou, honey, you can't," Kid whispered, not wanting the men to hear his trembling voice, or see the tears forming in his eyes as he clung to his wife for the last precious seconds before he was hauled off to God knows where. He was scared out of his mind for himself, but more so for her, alone in the South with no home, "You have to go back to Rock Creek and wait for me there!"

Lou couldn't stop a clipped sob from escaping her lips, but when she would have protested, Kid persisted.

"Lou, please listen to me! Go to Rock Creek! I'll send word where I am when I get there! It's the only way! I promise you, Lou, that this is not goodbye forever! I'm going to make it, and I'll come for you when I get out! The war can't last forever, and they can't hold me prisoner forever! Lou, look at me!"

Lou found it incredibly hard to raise her eyes to Kid's blue ones without losing all control, but she slowly looked him in the eye, drawing comfort and reassurance from them, as she always did.

"When have I ever let you down?" Kid whispered, tears slowly rising in his eyes as he forgot about the hundred or so soldiers surrounding them. Lou was the only thing into world to him for the moment, "Lou, please trust me now, if you've ever trusted me! Go to Rock Creek, stay there!" When Lou started shaking her head, Kid's voice became desperate, "damn it, Lou! Please! I need a promise from you that you will go to Rock Creek and stay there!"

Lou could no longer see clearly for the tears rolling from her eyes, "I'll go to Rock Creek," she promised, but refused to promise she'd be staying there. He caught the qualification but knew it was the best he would get.

Suddenly, a loud crackling noise caught their attention, and they both spun to see their rickety wooden farmhouse transformed into a towering inferno. Lou could summon no sadness to see all their things lost, not now when Kid was being torn from her arms, leaving her alone. She sighed and glanced at Ellen and Henry's home, also roaring with fire. She felt she had let everyone she loved down unequivocally.

She turned her back on the scene and instead buried her head in Kid's chest, sobbing violently as he put his arms around her and leaned down to whisper in her ear, "Lou, I love you more than life! Go home...promise me you will try to be happy, please, until I see you again!"

Lou stood on her tiptoes to kiss him passionately, sobs catching in her throat as she did so.

The bitter moment was over entirely too soon as the men pulled Kid away and slapped chains on his wrists.

When Lou sobbed and reached for him, struggling to cling to him, two men held her back.

"Where are you taking him?" Lou demanded through her tears, fierce even with the sobs racking her and her voice trembling wildly.

"I can't say ma'am," Joseph Kent said softly, "We can't risk you reporting our location or direction to the other side!"

"I just want to know how to find my husband!" Lou screamed in total frustration, and Kid twisted in the arms of his captors, who were leading him slowly away from her, to see what was the matter.

"Then I'd suggest you do as he asked, and go out West, and wait for his letter. They will allow him to write, I assure you! And, he'll be cared for. Really, wouldn't you rather have him safely locked up than on a battlefield?"

"Don't you act as if you are doing me a favor, you horrible man, or as if you've shed any mercy here! You've burned my home and taken a sick man from his bed to lock him in a tiny, damp space! I wish I would have shot you when I had the chance!"

Kent, at that point, felt he could take no more of the small girl insulting his honor, and rode his horse dangerously close to her, "You'll do well to remember, my lady, that you are at the mercy of the Army of the Potomac, and more directly, me!"

"I don't know if that is a threat, but there's nothing you can do to me worse that what you have done! Get off my land, Captain! Get off now!"

Captain Kent sighed and spurred his horse after sarcastically tipping his hat to her. He shook his head, remembering the time when he hadn't been a monster, and his shoulders sagged as the weight of his duty as a warrior fell upon him.

Lou watched Kid's stubbornly squared soldiers until he was almost down the drive, sobbing silently until she could not draw breath. Just before the company turned the bend out of sight, she took a few running steps in the snow and hurled her voice over the distance.

"I love you Kid! And I'll find you!" Lou choked on a sob.

Kid turned back, but could find no words as he met Lou's eyes over the distance.

Jonathan Monroe, who'd been so impressed by the girl's defiance and strength earlier, looked back at her too. The flaming house filled the background, and he realized that the inferno that raged behind Louise McCloud was nothing compared to the fire that burned within her. He had the odd feeling that one day he'd see her again.

Lou craned her head and looked after the company, fighting the useless urge to run after them, to follow them. She couldn't. There was no way to fight the entire company. Not yet anyway.

When the last of the soldiers had filed out of sight, Lou finally collapsed on her knees in the snow, the warmth of the burning house doing little to warm the ice that had taken residence in her veins.

* * *

Lou arrived in Richmond a few days later, feeling like a different person. The night after Kid was taken had been hellish, with her sifting through the remains of their home for anything salvageable. Her efforts had gone to waste, and she'd only escaped with the clothing on her back, and a bag full of small jewelry and silver that she'd buried at the start of the war.

Her eyes were wide, but dry, as she looked at the bustling streets and large buildings. Richmond thrived with the war, and soldiers, belles, and politicians were everywhere. Lou found herself almost run over several times upon crossing the street, and her dirty brown dress drew looks of disdain from the prominent citizens.

It took her hours to discover where Henry and Ellen's daughter lived, and she prayed she hadn't missed them. When the large black woman had answered the door to the respectable town house, it had taken quite a lot of convincing for her to call Ellen down. Lou knew she looked the part of a street urchin more than that of a lady. When Ellen's kind face curiously peeked out the door, Lou lost the iron control she'd maintained since she picked herself up from the snow, and rushed into the woman's arms, sobbing the story out.

"I have to get to Rock Creek!" Lou finally stated.

"You can't go out West! Transportation is all but stopped, and it is too dangerous!"

"I have to! It's the only way Kid can get word to me! I have no idea where they sent him! He could be anywhere! And I've been to the telegraph offices already, the lines are down! Mail is so unreliable that even if Kid gets a letter out to Rock Creek, my family there would have no way of knowing how to get word back to me! And I have no where else to go!"

"Nonsense!" Ellen's beautiful daughter, Alana, said softly, "You're welcome to stay here! We'll try to find your husband!"

Lou was already shaking her head, "That's so kind of you, but I have friends in Rock Creek who can help me…"

"Then write them from here, and let them come to you!"

Lou shook her head softly, "I can't…you see, when Kid and I left, there were hard feelings between us. I have to go to them. I promised Kid."

"Then Henry and I will go with you!" Ellen began.

"No, Ellen! You can't! I promise, I'll be fine! Remember, I rode for the express! I'll travel faster alone! But first, I need to sell a few things for passage on the railroad, and then the stage…and some clothes. Can you help me find someone to buy them?"

Alana was already shaking her head, "I have trunks and trunks of clothes that will fit you perfectly, so I won't hear of you purchasing any! And we can loan you the money to buy passage!"

Lou was willing to take up the offer of clothing, but adamantly refused the money. Although it hurt her to part with the ear bobs Rachel had given her the night before her wedding, or the cameo Kid had given her before riding into battle, she got good prices for both pieces.

Ellen and Henry still planned on going with her, so Lou snuck out quietly during the night, leaving a note thanking them for all they had done for her.

She glanced up at their darkened windows with a lump in her throat as she wondered if she'd ever see the kind old couple again.

The war wrought havoc on the railway system, and Lou had to take a train North before she could travel West, and even then, she knew the chances of having a smooth journey to Rock Creek were slim. It became painfully obvious as she tried to plan her trip back home that communication was all but shut down, as was travel, and she would have to embark on part of the journey on her own.

She felt no fear, no hesitation at doing so. It was absurd for her to travel all those miles West, only to turn around and head East to find Kid, but Kid had made her promise to go to Rock Creek.

Lou sat on a train for many days, sleeping in the train station or in the cars when she was permitted as she traveled North, then changed trains to begin the long trek West. Alana's borrowed clothes proved beautiful and respectable enough to awaken the protective instincts of the honorable men travelling with her against the less honorable ones she came into contact with.

"End of the line, Mrs. McCloud," the kindly conductor who had looked after the petite woman with the sad eyes suddenly said, shaking Lou's shoulder to wake her.

She jumped and her pale face was alarmed until she got her bearings on who the older man in front of her was, "Where are we?"

"St. Louis."

Lou groaned, "So far away! Is there a stage operating nearby?"

"No ma'am, the stages are all shut down. Surely you don't expect to travel to Rock Creek alone?"

Lou's eyes were troubled, "I have no choice. Thank you sir, for your kindness!"

The older man would have protested, but Lou had quickly gathered her bag and exited the car. Once outside she was shocked by the brutally cold weather, and sighed. She knew the trail well, but had no horse, and very little money to get her to Rock Creek.

"What do I do now, Kid?" She murmured softly into the howling wind, before wearily walking into the train station, feeling utterly beaten.

In St. Louis, she found the status of communication and travel even more hopeless than in Richmond. Her idea of telegraphing Teaspoon and having him send someone to meet her was thrown out the window. The streets of the once bustling town seemed more like a ghost town. There was not an able bodied man in sight.

Lou took a deep breath before walking into a seedy looking shop to sell off the last valuable thing she had, with the exception of her wedding ring. She offered the locket her mother had once given her to the shopkeeper with trembling fingers, and felt tears rise to her eyes as she pocketed the small amount of money she received in return.

She'd never felt so low. The shopkeeper, greedy though he was, promised to keep it in the back and not sell it for six months. Lou doubted she could count on him to keep his word, and walked to the stable with heavy feet.

In the stables she was confronted with yet another problem. All the available horses had long ago been confiscated by the army, and the hostler didn't have the first animal for sell. Luckily, an old farmer heard Lou pleading the stable man for anything and announced, "I got a horse you can buy, lady."

Lou grimaced at the toothless old man, sure that whatever horse she was about to meet would be far overpriced and leave much to be desired.

She bit her lip grimly to keep from laughing in sheer desperation as she was proven right. Standing outside the man's rickety shack of a barn on the outskirts of town, Lou had to blink twice to believe her eyes as she gazed at the horse that she was about to purchase. It was a strange cross of a draft horse and a donkey, and quite possibly the ugliest animal Lou had ever laid eyes on, albeit the largest.

However, her tender heart went out to the poor creature as she saw the scars on both sides of his flanks. Her pity for the poor beast's large, woeful brown eyes sold her on him, even if he hadn't been the only horse in town. With a dirty glare at the mean old man who had abused the gentle creature, Lou took the monster's rope and started leading him back toward town, well aware of the toothless old geezer's cackle behind her at his good end of the deal.

Once again in town, Lou spent her last cent on provisions to last her the week long trip in the wilderness, knowing that it would be cold and miserable for both her and her new companion.

She purchased a worn, old saddle and strapped it on the animal, though it looked ridiculously small on the huge horse's back, and climbed on, feeling as if she was astride an elephant. Years of abuse had rendered the horse as gentle as a mouse, but also as slow as a turtle, and sighing, Lou headed out of town, desperately hoping there would be no need to outrun anything that moved faster than grass grew.

What Lou didn't realize was that the wilderness was more wild than ever, and now filled with a predator she'd never known in the express days, a predator known only while wars raged. War brought out the worst in many, many people, and gangs of desperate and cruel deserters slowly grew as the battling continued. In the lawless frontier some of the most ruthless and cutthroat bands of these men, wearing mixtures of tattered blue and gray, watched and waited for unfortunate souls to come along their path.

Lou, on the plodding old horse she soon named Gentle Ben, unknowingly traveled along this very path, growing ever closer to danger without even realizing it.


	5. Chapter 4: Tattered Blue and Gray

Chapter 4: Tattered Blue and Gray

* * *

"Ouch!" Lou yelped as she dropped the considerable distance from Ben's back to the frozen ground. Sharp, hot pain seared through her ankles at the contact. She knew better than to jump off a horse that fast when it was so cold.

In fact, she seemed to know better than doing a lot of the things she was doing. Taking a week long trip in the dead of winter was generally a bad idea, as was travelling with absolutely nothing to trade or bribe anyone with, or even a gun for that matter. She just didn't care.

As she made camp for the night, dreading another night spent in the freezing weather, she wondered about Kid. It had been nearly a month since she left the charred remains of their home and began her long trek west, a journey that usually would have taken two weeks at the most. She wondered if he'd gotten to where he was going, and if he'd written her yet.

Tears touched her eyes and stung them in the cold as she thought about how sick he had been when the soldiers led him away from her.

Ben nickered softly as she strapped on his feedbag. The horse, for the first time in his life was not abused, and that simple fact had caused him to fall in love with his owner. The horse followed her every step she took, whether Lou wanted him to or not, and stood over her protectively while she slept. In spite of herself, and her initial disgust with him, Lou grew fond of her sole companion too, and talked to him constantly, which only served to make the old horse more fond of her.

Lou wearily hunched over her small bonfire, and for the third time that day felt tears well in her eyes and run down her cheeks, the wind biting them hard. She couldn't remember ever feeling so tired or beaten. Lately it didn't seem to take anything to exhaust her. She used to be so strong, she thought as she wiped her eyes, but lately the smallest thought could send her into hysterics. It must be her worry for Kid, she thought quietly, draining the very life out of her.

Suddenly she felt something warm in her ear, and smiled slightly when she looked over her shoulder to kiss Ben's nose as he nuzzled her hair and breathed his sweet, oat breath into her ear. She was terribly lonely, and the horse seemed to sense it.

"If we can just make it to Rock Creek, we'll be okay boy. And what a home that will be for you! If you get me there, I promise never to sell you, and that you'll have all the oats and carrots you could ever want! Just get me there!" Lou finished the last sentence in a whisper as her throat grew tight. If she couldn't have Kid's arms around her then she wanted to step into Rachel or Teaspoon's warm embrace.

Part of her wished that Jimmy would be there as well, but the idea of meeting him face to face after months of no contact was frightening. Still, she thought as she laid down to sleep, if anyone could help her, it was Jimmy.

"Goodnight, Kid, wherever you are," Lou said out loud, as she had every night. Ben nickered softly and Lou smiled up at the horse, "Goodnight to you too, Ben."

The next morning a very cold Lou was up before dawn and climbing the considerable distance onto Ben, and heading northwest eagerly. She'd been on the trail for three days, and her journey was almost halfway over. Ben was proving a very sturdy animal, even if not a fast one, and his endurance amazed Lou.

It was late afternoon when trouble found her in a heavily wooded area. Lou had slowed Ben to a long-striding walk when she heard the dead leaves behind her crunching. Gasping, she flung herself around in the saddle and paled. Horsemen were crashing through the brush behind her. She hadn't been spotted yet, but there was nowhere for her to go, and it was only a matter of seconds before the leader took notice of her.

Her eyes traveled over the group of five men, and she glanced at herself. She had on a man's clothing, but no hat to hide the long hair that now hung down her back. The men were wearing the tattered gray uniforms of the Confederacy. Lou knew that as far away from the fighting as they were, they had to be deserters. The Union army still patrolled these parts, she knew, but she hadn't seen a soul in days and didn't have high hopes of anyone coming to her rescue.

Knowing there was nothing else for her to do, Lou gave Ben a quick kick in the side that startled him and slapped the reins against his thick neck.

Although running from them now might cause them to spot her sooner, she knew that she would need the head start. Ben started off at a lumbering gallop, but his long legs opened the gap quickly from the slower moving horses behind her. Lou twisted in her saddle to see that she had been spotted, and as she feared, the men were giving chase.

"Run Ben!" She yelped, hoping to pull ahead far enough to duck off the trail and hide.

It wasn't to be. The wild cries of the men behind her grew closer, and Lou pushed her tired horse even harder. Ben gave all his heart in the chase, which kept the gap from closing completely, but the old horse just couldn't keep his lead over the faster, lighter cavalry horses behind him.

Then Lou glanced ahead of them, and something flashing through the trees caught her eyes…a flash of navy blue.

The coat of the Union uniform.

"Help!" She screamed into the wind desperately, and headed for the group of eight or so horsemen that had stopped on the trail at her cry and turned their horses. They began riding toward her when they realized what was happening. Lou was vaguely aware of them flagging her horse down and grabbing the reins to pull the frightened horse to a stop.

"Thank God!" Lou cried out, "Those men, they are deserters!"

The large man with the unkempt beard who was holding her reins nodded, "Yes, in fact, we've been looking for them." He smiled at Lou, and she tried not to pull back in disgust from the toothless grin he gave her. They were, after all, her rescuers.

Or so she thought. Lou grew pale as she watched her pursuers continue to ride toward the stopped company of Yankees. She felt as if she might be sick as the leader of the gray coated deserters-a tall, thin man with an eye patch-pulled his horse up to the leader of the blue coated men and extended his hand.

"It's about time, Marcus! But seeing as you brought us this bounty, I guess we can forgive you," the blue-coated man laughed.

Lou saw her opening and sprung to action, sending an elbow flying at the nose of the man holding her reins, and knocking him to the ground.

Ben spun with the agility of a gazelle at Lou's skillful guidance, and they started to charge out of the circle and away from the men.

Before Ben could break through the gap though, five horses filled it, and Lou was trapped.

"Hello, Missy," the blue coated man who appeared to be the leader of the entire band said, and rode over to survey the wild eyed Lou.

"You turncoat cowards!" Lou growled, "didn't have the courage to stay and fight, so you run hide in the woods!"

The man surprised her by laughing, "So, you've heard of us?"

"You'd better just let me go! My husband is the Captain of a Union company stationed close by, and he'll bring the entire Western front down on you! You'll be shot!" Lou lied.

The men all laughed at her this time. Not exactly the response Lou was hoping for.

"Come on, darling, you can ride up here with me," the leader said, shaking his head, "I'm a Captain myself! Captain Harry Ludlow, see my bars?"

Lou's eyes grazed over his jacket, and narrowed as she saw the bloody stains on it, "Did you steal this from a dead man?"

"No, he wasn't dead, just almost," Harry laughed, "stole it right after I shot him!"

There was a hearty chorus of laughter and Lou's eyes widened in disbelief at the band of monsters who had her trapped.

"Please," she began, already knowing it would do no good, "my husband has been taken prisoner. I have to get help for him. He's very sick…" Lou had to pause as desperate tears stung her eyes.

"Aw, don't cry darling. Ain't nothing you could do to save your husband. They ain't prisons so much as death camps. Throw men out in the cold with no food, no shelter, and watch them slowly waste away. Don't give them none of their mail, tell them that their family said they don't want nothing to do with them no more…so see, he's probably already dead!"

Lou screamed a terrifying scream and leapt for the man with her hands clenched in fists. She hit him hard twice before with an easy motion he hit her with a closed fist. Lou fell under Ben's feet, finding the darkness infinitely preferable to the reality of her situation.

* * *

"Thank you, Mr. Tompkins," Rachel smiled softly as she let herself out of the store. She shook her head and smiled even more broadly to herself. The gruff old man was softening with every year that went by. Today he'd thrown in an extra jar of preserves and a pretty ribbon for her. It was hard to believe he'd at one time been the stubborn old fool who refused to let Buck go into his store. He inquired about the "half-breed," Kid, and Lou with poorly concealed concern every time Rachel walked into his store.

Rachel sighed with contentment, pleased that Buck was home. It was as close to having everyone there as she got these days, with Kid and Lou down South, and Cody off scouting for the army still. At least Jimmy and Buck had been there for Christmas. Her brow wrinkled sadly as she momentarily thought of Jesse. They hadn't heard from him, except for roundabout news that he was still with Frank, since he rode away the day they buried Noah.

Rachel let herself into the marshal's office, shivering with pleasure as the warm air surrounded her.

She laughed to find Jimmy, Buck, and Teaspoon all sitting by the window, playing cards. "Well, I feel safer knowing you all are upholding the peace!"

"Aw, Rachel, ain't noone got enough energy to cause a ruckus. Too cold," Teaspoon said sheepishly.

"Hey, there's a letter over there for you, Rachel. Picked it up in Cottonwood," Jimmy told her, absently waving his hand toward the desk.

"Probably from a year ago…mail is so slow…who is it from?" Rachel wondered.

"I don't know, there isn't a return address. There's a letter there for Lou too. Guess someone got confused," Jimmy shrugged, and his eyes returned to his hand.

"Maybe it's from Jesse!" Rachel said excitedly, and rushed to the desk to pick it up with trembling hands.

Teaspoon, Buck, and Jimmy glanced over to see her eyes passing eagerly over it, then turned back to the game, knowing Rachel would enlighten them if need be, and not wanting to get scolded for being nosy.

"Oh, dear God!" soon came the cry from the desk. All three men quickly spun again to see the blonde woman leaning unsteadily against the desk and covering her mouth with her hand as tears began flowing out of her eyes.

"What is it?" Teaspoon demanded, fearing the worse as they all leapt up and went to her.

"It's Kid!" She began, but that was all she got out before Jimmy and Teaspoon interrupted simultaneously.

"Merciful God! He's…?" Teaspoon began, unable to finish the sentence.

"No!" Jimmy cried out, tears instantly coming to his eyes.

Buck simply paled.

"No! He's alive! The letter is from him!" Rachel said quickly.

"Then Lou? What happened? Is she okay?" Jimmy asked, not caring that his voice sounded panicked.

"She's fine! I think…" Rachel tried again, only to have Buck interrupt her.

"What?" Buck asked.

"Be quiet, all three of you, damn it, and I'll try to explain!" Rachel finally snapped, wiping at her eyes.

The three men had the grace to look ashamed.

"Kid has been taken to Point Lookout Prison Camp in Maryland. Yankees burned his and Lou's home and took him prisoner at Christmas. He told Lou to come out here, and she promised him she would. This letter is begging me to keep Lou here, and not let her come after him."

"Where's Lou, then? Why haven't we heard from her?" Teaspoon wondered, "When was that letter written?"

"About three weeks ago. But Lou was supposed to have started on December thirty-first. She should have been here weeks ago," Rachel said, her voice trembling.

"Well, let's not panic. Travel is so difficult, and it is sheer luck these letters got here from Kid so fast," Teaspoon said, "Maybe Lou is waiting for us to reply to a letter before she comes out here."

"No," Jimmy said, looking up from the letter he'd snatched from Rachel's hand, "Lou knew Kid would write her here to tell her where he was. I know her. She would have risked everything to get out here as soon as possible."

"Well, she could take the train as far as St. Louis or Chicago, and I'm betting she took the one to St. Louis. She knows the trail from there to Rock Creek. If she's anywhere, it is between here and St. Louis," Buck reasoned.

"Let's go," Jimmy said, starting for the door.

"Now, hold on, Jimmy! You can't go crashing around in the wilderness looking for Lou! She may not even be out there!"

"But she may be, Teaspoon, and she's alone, and that area is filled with deserters. Cody was doing some work down there with his company, looking for them, and they found fifty or sixty in different places, and I'm sure there are more!"

"I'm sure too son, but you ain't got a chance against a band of deserters," Teaspoon sighed.

"Neither does Lou," Buck pointed out, his dark eyes smoldering.

"Listen, I have an idea. Cody's stationed further South than we are, and the telegraph in Benton is still up and running. I've got to go look after some business there anyway, so I'll wire Cody an urgent message that Lou may be out there and have him form a search party, all right?"

"Teaspoon, if she's not here in three days…" Jimmy began.

"I'll be the first one to saddle up," Teaspoon nodded.

"Poor Lou!" Rachel said, tears filling her eyes, "Lost her husband and her home, and the only way she could get home is by travelling alone for a month! And Kid is going to Point Lookout of all places!"

"Not a good place to be from what I hear," Teaspoon said softly.

"Damn fool," Jimmy muttered more to himself than anyone else, "Just had to get in the thick of it, didn't you Kid?" Then silently he thought, _take care of your dumb, thick skull!_

* * *

Lou wished the persistent, prodding pain in her side to go away, to let her slip back into the welcoming darkness. However, it grew stronger the longer she lay there, and finally she realized someone was nudging her in the side with the toe of his boot.

In the four days she'd been with the deserters, she'd learned that getting up was infinitely smarter than protesting, and she had the bruises to prove it.

Slowly, and stiffly, she climbed to her feet, her skin like ice. She'd been tied and forced to sleep on the bare ground every night with nothing but a raggedy blanket. She'd had nothing to eat, and only an occasional mouthful of snow stuffed into her mouth by her frostbitten hands when no one was looking.

She was sore and heartsick, knowing she was being taken further away from her destination, and quickly losing all hope that anyone would find her.

"Come on there, darling, up you go. We got to get a move on," Harry Ludlow told her. She knew the names of only two of the monsters, Harry Ludlow and Marcus. From listening to them talk as they rode along roughly, she gathered the blue coats had deserted after Bull Run, and the Confederates had stayed until the beginning of this fall. When they spoke of the destruction they wrought on anyone who crossed their path, Lou's blood ran even colder than the freezing wind. They were cut throats, pirates on land, and far more dangerous than any outlaw she'd ever come across while working for the express. They'd seen the horrors of war, and they had no fear. A few of them had been mentally affected from what they witnessed in battle. One man talked to his dead brother regularly. Another had a nervous twitch and stammered, growing furious if Lou didn't understand him.

They'd made threats to her that were unthinkable. Lou had never heard such language as they used to threaten her. Tears stung her eyes as she recalled some of the things that had been said to her. _My husband would have your head if he heard you say that to me_ she longed to tell them, but didn't dare. For whatever reason, they'd not tried to carry out the worst of those threats, although she had been groped and handled roughly. She knew it was only a matter of time, but she thanked God they hadn't raped her, and prayed she'd escape before they tried.

She wondered if they stayed away from her because she was so ill. She'd been wretchedly sick for three days, often having to suddenly lean over her horse several times a day, and retching miserably, even when there was nothing to bring up but bitter bile. They jested her and laughed at her even as she vomited, and Lou was utterly humiliated. She couldn't help but let her mind drift back to the year before, when she'd been so full of hope and love. The hate she felt for these horrible men almost eclipsed the love she felt for her husband. At first, she longed to just lay her head down and sob her heart out, but refused so many times that the bitterness and anger were starting to control her. They hadn't seen the first tear escape her eye since that first day. She couldn't let them. They were like dogs, ready to seize the throat of the weak.

Her eyes darted to the back of the pack where Ben trudged along, often whipped by the cruel men, carrying far more weight in gear than any horse should have been made to carry. He struggled on bravely, but grew weaker, and when Lou heard Marcus propose to kill him and eat his flesh, she came close to losing her control.

She urged him on silently, not sure she could bear to watch the gentle creature die.

That night, she laid her head on the frozen ground and waited for the bite of the cold to do its worse and the numbness to set in, praying that none of the men would touch her…or worse. She shivered convulsively, and her teeth chattered so violently that she bit her tongue many times. Blood ran, unnoticed down the side of her mouth.

She had just closed her eyes when she heard something nearby.

Her eyes flew open and she drew air to scream as she saw a figure hovering over her.

Before a sound could leave her, his hand clamped over her mouth, silencing her cry for help.

* * *

Note to Reader: _Although I'm trying to be accurate with the history here, I have taken one liberty that I know of…and I hope you'll forgive me! Point Lookout prison camp really existed, but was not opened until a few months after the events taking place in this chapter!_


	6. Chapter 5: Winter Winds

Chapter Five: Winter Winds

It was the most miserable looking lot of men Kid had ever seen, but he realized he must fit right in. Hundreds of them all staggered along dejectedly and lifelessly, their gaunt forms sheltered from the wind only by tattered gray uniforms.

Kid cast a worried look down at his boot, knowing that if he marched many more miles his toes would poke through it. A violent round of coughing diverted his attention from his shoes, and he fell out of line for a moment to try and regain his breath.

"Fall in, Reb!" a guard barked at him and shoved his rifle hard into Kid's ribs, only serving to make him cough harder.

Wearily, Kid moved back into line, not even having the fight in him to cast the guard a scathing glare.

They had been traveling for almost three weeks. Kid had stayed in the custody of Captain Kent and his men for the first week, before being turned over to other authorities. After that first week, Kid had joined the two hundred or so other confederate soldiers being taken to Point Lookout, and they'd been on the move ever since. The first part of the journey had been the worst by far.

He'd lost count of the days as he lay crammed in a railroad car with no light, no ventilation, and not even enough room to turn around. Often the train did not move at all during the day, but the prisoners were forced to stay on board. Many soldiers had died on that horrid trip, and Kid laid not eight feet from a corpse for two days before the body was found and removed from the car.

When the prisoners finally stumbled back into blinding daylight, they were met by a company of union soldiers who marched them relentlessly northeast, towards Maryland and Point Lookout.

Kid pushed on steadily, his head feeling light and his vision unfocused. He'd only had a few crackers in the last two days, and he knew he couldn't go on much longer. His only consolation was that he'd said what he needed to say to Lou and gotten the letter in the mail a week ago. And he'd written Rachel to make sure Lou was taken care of and that she didn't come after him.

It was almost sunset when the ragtag group of Rebels stumbled to the top of a small rise and saw Point Lookout Prison Camp stretched before them.

Kid swallowed hard and felt the stirrings of panic at the bleak scene. Stretched to the beaches of the Chesapeake Bay were stockyards, outbuildings, and parapets. Guards walked along the high walls enclosing the yards with rifles in their hands. But the agony that ripped through Kid came from the scene within those yards.

A mass of humanity, thousands of men, milled about within them, all thin and dressed in rags. Standing water turned the ground into a swamp, and there was very little dry area from which to escape the biting water overflowing from the bay.

Kid had heard someone say that Point Lookout was built to hold ten thousand men, but that at least twelve thousand occupied the space now. As the guards marched them quickly down the rise, eager to be rid of their charges, Kid wondered how in God's name he would survive this hellish place.

* * *

"Shhh!" A gruff voice growled, and Lou's attacker leaned close to her face, "Do you want to wake the whole camp?"

Lou struggled for all she was worth, but then suddenly stopped and turned frightened eyes toward the man, certain she recognized the voice, but clueless as to where from.

"Lou, it's Sam! Don't scream, I'm taking my hand away now!"

Lou squinted in the dim moonlight, as if trying to gauge if it was possibly true. Then she was able to focus on the rugged face and clear, cool eyes of Sam Cain, and she felt tears start up in her eyes.

"Oh, Sam! Get me away from here!" She whispered, not understanding why on earth the old marshal of Sweetwater was there, but thankful beyond belief to see her old friend.

"Okay Lou. I know some people who are gonna be mighty glad to see you!" Sam smiled gently, remembering the panic in Cody's voice when he had come bursting into their home in Cool Falls to tell them that Lou was missing. Emma had been nearly hysterical as she urged Sam to form another search party, in addition to the soldiers Cody was taking out.

Sam, knowing Emma's special bond with the small girl and his own admiration for her courage, didn't need to be told twice. Fifteen older men in town were quick to follow the territorial governor into the wilderness.

Sam, from what he could see in the darkness, took the time to be amazed at the change in Lou.

Although Emma had let him in on Lou's secret long before they were married, Sam had never realized just how foolish he was to ever think Lou anything but a woman until now. He didn't want to know what had happened to her at the hands of the deserters.

Lou whimpered as Sam cut the ropes that had been embedded so deeply in her wrists for days, and Sam tried to help Lou stand up. However, the long days of inactivity, sickness, and dehydration had rendered her too weak to stand on her own. Sam gently picked the small girl up and stole back through the woods, to where his men sat on horseback, waiting for him.

"Okay, bring them down!" Sam told his men, "I don't really care if they are dead or alive when you're done!"

"My horse, please save my horse, the big horse," Lou mumbled, raising her head from Sam's shoulder to look him in the eye, "Sam, bring me my horse!"

Sam squeezed Lou tightly and nodded, "We'll get your horse, but right now, we're going to get you to a doctor!"

"I don't need a doctor, I want to know Ben is all right! I promised that I'd keep him…" Lou rambled on, feeling bewildered and confused, and agitated that Sam didn't understand her.

"Lou, honey, I promise you, your horse is going to be fine!"

"Oh, Sam, those men were horrible, horrible. They wanted to eat my horse!" Lou raved on, not herself at all. Sam was frightened for the girl. There was no telling what the men had done to her, yet all she was talking about was their threats on her horse.

She was one of the strongest women he'd ever known, but he knew that everyone had limits, and wondered if perhaps Lou's mind had been affected by the time spent with the rough men.

"They'll pay for whatever they tried to do to your horse, Lou," Sam said gruffly to hide the fury making his hands tremble, _and they'll sure as hell pay for whatever they did to you_ , he thought.

"Horrible…I thought they were Union soldiers and that they'd help me…" Lou whispered softly before laying her head against Sam's neck and either drifting to sleep or passing out. Sam couldn't tell which, but was somewhat relieved that her last statement had been lucid.

* * *

"She's coming to, I think," Lou heard a strange voice call out from what seemed a hundred miles away.

Lou forced her eyes open slowly and looked up to see the face of a strange man above her. She shrieked and bolted upright from the many blankets surrounding her and backed herself up until a tree stopped her.

Suddenly another man was pushing the stranger away and kneeling before her.

Lou looked at him in confusion, and closed and opened her eyes, "Sam?"

"Hey, Lou," He smiled at her, the corners of his eyes wrinkling kindly, and his teeth flashing evenly, "Long time, no see."

"How did you get here? How did…" Lou wondered, then quickly looked around for signs of the deserters. They were nowhere to be seen.

Sam sighed, not surprised that she didn't remember being woken up in the middle of the night and carried away, "Teaspoon and Rachel got a letter from Kid. He's okay, Lou. When they saw he sent a letter to you, they grew worried, especially when they figured you should have been home by then. So, they wired Cody to form a search party, and Cody asked for my help as well. We have been tracking the deserters for three days, and finally got close enough to spot you. Once I had you safely, we opened fire and most of the deserters were killed."

"Good," Lou growled, not ashamed of the hate in her voice…not after what those men had said and done to her, what they had bragged about doing to others less fortunate than she had been.

"Lou, we're a hard day's ride from Rock Creek," Sam said quietly, then lowered his voice and scratched his chin as he tried to figure out how to tackle the delicate question he was about to have to ask, "But is there any…uh, injury, that we need to know about before we get there? Are you hurt?"

Lou had to smile slightly at Sam's now bright red cheeks, "No, Sam. They didn't hurt me. I been terrible sick...they left me pretty well alone."

Sam looked at the ground, then back up at her with an odd mixture of sheepish relief, "Sounds odd to say, but glad you been sick then, Lou. Hey, we saved the horse you were raving on about."

Lou knit her brows in confusion, "When was I raving about a horse?"

Sam chuckled lightly, "It's better that you don't remember! But there he is, just the same," Sam said, motioning to Ben, who was tied up near by.

Lou glanced at Ben and whistled softly. Ben pricked his heavy ears and nickered to see her.

"Damndest thing I ever saw. Horse pitched a fit tied anywhere else but in sight of you," Sam shook his head, and looked at the beast, "Lou, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but that is the ugliest horse I've ever seen in my life. And I've seen lots of horses!"

Lou laughed, though it hurt her sore ribs to do so, "He's growing on me."

* * *

Later that day, Sam ordered to push on. They'd only ridden an hour when Lou grew violently sick again, and that halted progress for three hours.

Sam was at a loss to know what to do for the miserable girl, but he never left her side, much to Lou's mortification.

It was almost dark by the time Lou was able to continue. This time they only rode for half an hour before they were interrupted again. Lou's heart leapt into her throat as she heard horses come crashing towards them.

Sam, seeing her stricken and pale face, was quick to put her at ease, "It's all right. It's real soldiers!"

Lou still watched fearfully as the riders in blue approached them. Then her mouth opened in surprise as she saw her dear old friend in the lead.

"Lou!" Cody cried out and urged his horse faster, stopping it by Ben and reaching over to sweep Lou off of him and onto his own horse.

"Thank God!" Cody breathed and hugged the small girl tightly, cradling her head and pushing in against his shoulder.

"You're smotherin' me!" Lou complained from within the confines of his strong arms. When Cody lightened his hold on her, Lou threw her arms around his neck and hugged him. He kissed her soundly on the cheek.

"I'm so glad to see you, Lou!" Cody choked out, then placed a gentle hand on her chin in order to study the bruises on her face, "Did you run into deserters? Did they hurt you? Who did this?"

"I'm fine, Cody. I did run into deserters, but I'm fine now, nothing bad happened."

Sam rode up to where Lou now sat across Cody's horse with the blonde man and sighed, "Well, I guess we aren't getting much further tonight."

They stopped and made camp, and Sam, Lou, and Cody sat around a campfire, talking of old times and old friends.

Lou was eager to find out about everyone in Rock Creek, and about Emma. Sam was delighted to inform Lou of his two beautiful red headed, brown eyed daughters, one of which had been named Louise, and the other called Alice. She felt a pang of sorrow watching the tough lawman become almost giddy talking about his daughters and wondered for a moment how Kid would have been, telling someone about his own child.

"Where'd you go, Lou?" Cody asked softly when her eyes grew sad and the smile dropped from her lips.

"Just thinkin' I sure have missed a lot. Tell me about the boys."

Cody was quick to tell her that everyone in Rock Creek was well, and that Buck was back at the station.

"And Jimmy?" Lou asked quietly, "Is he there?"

Cody stammered for a second, shocked that Lou didn't know that Jimmy had been in Rock Creek the whole time. He shook his head; it was just like that hothead to cut all ties rather than allow things to get complicated.

"Jimmy's working as Teaspoon's deputy. It was all Teaspoon could do to keep him from riding down here with his guns blazing, not knowing the territory, to save you."

Lou wasn't sure she believed it. Finally, she asked the question that had been gnawing at her since she'd been rescued, and that she was afraid to hear the answer to, "And Kid?" she nearly whispered, "Where did they take him?"

Cody and Sam exchanged a look, because they were unsure of how much Lou knew of Point Lookout, but they'd heard enough to know it was a bad place to be.

"Point Lookout," Cody said quietly, watching Lou's face closely.

"Where is that?" she wondered.

Sam and Cody both sighed with relief, and Sam informed her, "Maryland."

"Well, I guess that is where I'm headed next," Lou said softly.

Her eyes then turned to Cody, "Cody, I came out here to ask you a favor, a favor I've got no right asking…"

Cody, already knowing where she was going, held up both hands, "No way, Lou, I can't help you out. Not this time!"

"Cody, just hear me out! Kid is so sick! He's practically skin and bones, and he won't survive! Not in one of those prisons! I know what they are like!"

Cody sighed and thought, _you don't know the half of what they are like, honey_.

"Cody, this is Kid we're talking about here! I know you didn't approve of his decision, but surely it isn't worth his life!" Lou's voice was growing desperate.

"Lou, it would be treason!" Cody began, "You are asking me to betray everything I believe in. Kid wouldn't ask that of any of us, Lou."

"It ain't him askin, it's me!" Lou shook her head and stood up furiously, weaving unsteadily, but purposefully ignoring the hand Sam reached out to help steady her, "Cody, there was a time when you believed in Kid, and family, more than that damn uniform! What happened?"

"War happened, Lou."

With that Lou started to storm away. However, she only made it a few steps on her very weak legs before she sank to the ground, without a sound.

* * *

The company moved out that very night when everyone discovered just how sick Lou had become. They made it to Rock Creek the following morning and Sam carried Lou to the doctor's home and pounded on the door, while Cody rode to get the others.

In no time at all everyone was standing on Dr. Richardson's porch, hunched against the cold, blasting wind. It wasn't that long, but it seemed like days before the doctor stepped out onto the porch, and invited them to wait inside, apologizing profusely for not realizing they were all waiting in the cold.

"How is she, Doc?" Teaspoon wondered, fearing the worst.

"She'll be fine. She was just exhausted and dehydrated, not able to keep any water or food down. It's like that sometimes in the early days for women carryin' a little one."

"Little one?" Jimmy blurted out in amazement.

The doctor mistook his shock for concern, "Oh, not to worry, it seems that the baby was not harmed, and will be fine, as long as she begins eating properly soon and starts resting like she should."

"That would explain the sickness, I guess," Sam muttered quietly.

"Merciful God!" Teaspoon said, sitting down slowly, "Lou is expecting, and Kid's off in some godforsaken prison camp rotting away!"

"Poor Lou, to have to go through it without him!"

Rachel sighed, "At least she has us."

"Lou ain't planning on going through it without him," Cody said quietly, relaying the fact they all knew but didn't want to hear, "She's planning on getting him out."

"Well, sure, before she found out she was expecting," Sam pointed out.

Everyone else simply shook their heads, and Jimmy explained. "You don't understand. That won't stop Lou from going after Kid. Nothing will."


	7. Chapter 6: Deceptions

Chapter Six: Deceptions

Jimmy stood up restlessly, and with his hands on his hips walked to the window to look out into the gray February afternoon. He then paced the small room in the doctor's house for five minutes before returning to his post, a chair beside the sleeping Lou's bedside.

His heart pounded with fear when he thought of facing her…and he was thankful that so far her eyes had remained closed, long lashes resting on Lou's cheek. There was a fading bruise on her cheek that made him want to shoot someone. She looked so beautiful and peaceful while she rested. Jimmy hadn't realized how starved he had been for the sight of her until he'd first walked into the room that afternoon to sit with her and felt his throat tighten with emotion at the simple sight of her.

 _What can I say to her?_ he agonized, _How do I explain why I couldn't reply to her letters, even though I wanted to more than anything?_

Tears filled his eyes and he leaned forward to rest his elbows on the bed and to hide his face within his hands. He fought to control himself, but felt like a schoolboy he was so relieved beyond all reason that Lou was safe, and that he had the chance to see her again, to try to explain. If anything had happened to her, he knew he wouldn't have been able to live with himself.

Suddenly, he felt her hand on his arm, and startled, he flung his head back, forgetting his tears. Lou's troubled brown eyes were looking into his. Jimmy could do nothing but stare at her for a minute.

"Hey, Jimmy," Lou finally whispered, shocked to find him there, but infinitely glad.

Jimmy couldn't find any words, but his face crumpled as he sat there under her gaze, and his tears served to tell her how he felt, because he was otherwise unable to express to her the guilt he felt for cutting all ties. It had hurt both of them, and his reasons for it seemed small now, faced with what the country, and their family was going through.

"Oh, Jimmy," Lou began, and tears stung her own eyes as well as she reached her arms out to him.

Jimmy quickly went to her and wrapped her in a tight embrace that might have crushed her if she wasn't holding onto him as tight as he was her.

"I'm so sorry, Lou, I'm sorry, I couldn't…"

"I know, Jimmy," Lou said, "I didn't like it one bit, but I did understand, you know."

That was all that was said on the matter.

"How are you feeling?" Jimmy finally asked gently, reluctantly releasing her and sitting beside her legs on the bedside.

Lou sighed and shrugged, "Tired. Very tired. But I'm okay," Lou nodded vehemently to convince herself that she was, in fact, out of the grip of the deserters. She shivered when she thought of them, and Jimmy gently reached for her hand and held it tightly.

"Jimmy, those men…" Lou shook her head and looked at her hand, safely enclosed in her dear friend's larger, rougher one, "Those men were the worst I've ever seen," her voice caught in her throat, "The things they said, the things they did...they were monsters Jimmy...if I hadn't been so sick...I don't know that I'd still be alive..." she shook her head again, unable to go on. "Is this what war turns men into?"

Jimmy shrugged, "I don't think war turns men into this...just lets it out," Jimmy sighed, and braced an arm on either side of her legs. "You know you are safe now, right?"

Lou nodded, "at least until I go back out there for Kid."

"Now, Lou, don't talk like that right now. The first thing you have to do is get your strength back. And you aren't in any condition to be out roaming the countryside."

"Kid is much sicker than I am, Jimmy. This will pass in a few days."

Jimmy surprised her by letting out a bark of nervous laughter at that.

"You ain't sick, Lou." Jimmy mumbled, irritated that everyone had elected him to bring the news of her pregnancy to her. Jimmy had been insistent Rachel should do it, but they all knew Lou loved Jimmy most, next to her husband, and he hadn't been able to convince them otherwise.

"What? You think I am sufferin' from a case of the vapors like those women back in Virginia? Damn it, Jimmy, you're the only one who ever stood up for me being able to handle myself!"

"That ain't what I'm talking about either, Lou," Jimmy flinched as Lou turned her angry eyes towards his, and he had to look away, "Lou, the doctor told us…well…" Jimmy felt his cheeks grow hot in embarrassment though he expected before they'd known she was a girl they had said much less delicate things in front of her. Still, he felt a thousand types of awkward to tell her, "You're gonna have a baby, Lou."

At the silence that followed, Jimmy raised his eyes to Lou's face, and would have sworn he saw terror and grief there. He'd seen her face any number of life or death situations with less fear that she exhibited right that moment, safe in a bed. The fear she showed was far greater than he would have expected to see from just simple anxiety, and he wondered what caused that stricken look.

He decided it must be the realization that Kid was hundreds of miles away and that she would have to do it without him.

"It'll be alright, Lou, we'll be here with you the whole time! And think of how happy Kid will be to hear that he's going to be a daddy!" Jimmy tried, wary of the look in her eye, and sensing that the tiniest error on his part could result in either screaming or sobbing.

"No!" Lou suddenly snapped, "We aren't going to tell him!"

Jimmy wrinkled his brow in confusion, "But Lou, don't you think he needs to know?"

Tears started up in Lou's eyes as she remembered both the day she'd written the letter announcing her first pregnancy and that horrible morning when everything had fallen apart. She remembered lying in her bed, sobbing for days and days, even as Ellen and Henry both tried to force her to get up, to eat something. She couldn't do it again, she thought, _I can't survive this again!_ The only thing that had made it bearable the first time was the knowledge that Kid didn't have to share the grief with her.

"Lou, what is it?" Jimmy wondered with great concern. He'd never seen Lou act like this, and he was frightened and confused, "I thought this was good news."

Lou raised her terrified eyes to Jimmy's and came very close to telling him about her miscarriage…but it was too hard and the bitter words died on her lips.

"Lou, I'm gonna ask you somethin' and I ain't trying to make you mad, all right? Lou...the baby...is Kid the father? Or did something happen in Virginia you hadn't told us?"

Tears rose in her eyes at the distress in his voice, saw he looked sick with fear. She shook her head quickly. "Kid is the father, Jimmy, it's just that it's early and things can go wrong…"

A wave of panic swept over her and she couldn't speak. There were no words to describe the horror she felt, the fear that made her nearly dizzy, the dread that washed through her already upset stomach.

"I-I have to get out of here," Lou began nervously, picking herself up from the pillows.

"Lay down, Lou! What is wrong with you?" Jimmy asked with concern, "Do I need to get the doctor?"

"No, I just want some fresh air," Lou mumbled, "It is so hot in here!"

"No, it isn't Lou…" Jimmy began, and watched as Lou got up quickly, and stumbled for the door, "Lou, what in the hell has gotten into you? You're worrying me!"

Lou ignored him, and burst out onto the porch clad only in her long, white flannel nightgown. She gasped in the freezing air as if she'd been deprived of oxygen for long minutes and grasped the porch railing to steady herself.

The doctor in Virginia that had tended her had warned her she'd likely never be pregnant again, and though it had broken her heart, she'd been somewhat relieved to know she'd never suffer the agony of losing a child again.

She could have denied that she was pregnant now, and sworn the doctor of Rock Creek was just a quack, but she knew better. The sickness, the tiredness, the amount of time that had gone by since her last courses…Hell, there were changes to her body. If she'd not been so absorbed in her journey to Rock Creek she would have realized long ago what Jimmy had told her was true.

Jimmy soon stood beside her on the porch of the doctor's house, and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders.

"Lou, I promise, it is going to be all right," Jimmy finally said gently, "You are going to be a wonderful mother!"

Wordlessly, and without a tear, Lou stepped forward and put her arms around Jimmy, thankful for his efforts although his words sent knives of pain through her heart.

"We aren't going to tell Kid," Lou whispered.

Jimmy sighed, and against his better judgement nodded, "All right, Lou, we'll do it your way. But come on back inside...you don't need to be out in this wind."

* * *

Kid huddled against the flap of the tent, drawing his feet up close under him to avoid the water that was seeping in. At least he had a space in shelter of some kind. Hundreds of men lay out in the biting rain. It had been raining for days, and the whole prison was flooded. It was the middle of night, but he hadn't slept in two days.

His eyes darted in amazement to the seventeen men crammed into the tiny tent, all of whom appeared to be sleeping soundly. Every time he closed his eyes such pictures of horror played before him that he found it infinitely preferable to stay awake.

Just yesterday he'd been standing in line to receive his meal of pork fat and crackers, and hadn't been terribly surprised when the food had run out long before he'd made it to the front. Several of the men had protested, and started forward in an angry mob towards the vats where the food came from. Kid had been forced forward also by the surging mass behind him, and trying to pull out of the mob had been useless.

A roaring gunshot had shattered the air, followed by two more. Kid had screamed in horror when the man directly behind him had been hit in the head, sending fragments of blood, bone, and brain all over him, and everyone around him. Kid stood there with blood dripping from his face and hair, for quite a long time, staring up at the watch tower.

The guards had fired indiscriminately into the crowd to put down what Kid was sure they'd call a riot in the reports. Had they fired a second earlier, it would have been his brains spilled. It wasn't the first time they'd fired their guns into the crowds of men, and they'd done it for pure sport before.

They'd do it again, and Kid just prayed he wouldn't be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"We're hungry!" Kid suddenly screamed up to the guards, past the point of fearing for his life, "Damn it! Give us food! There are men dying in here!"

"Look here, traitor," One of the guards screamed back down at him, "You'd better shut up or we'll make you eat your own toes after we blow them off!"

Just for good measure, the guard had fired again toward Kid, hitting the ground just before his feet, and sending a spray of water over him.

Kid cursed furiously, and turned to walk away, the hunger pains in his stomach not half as miserable as the weight on his heart. It did strange things to a man to suffer treatment worse than most animals endured and to be helpless to improve his condition.

Never had Kid imagined that survival in such conditions was possible, but the thousands of gaunt, sick men who hung on day after day seemed to prove him wrong. He was quickly becoming one of them, although his long days in the west had taught him survival skills that were invaluable. Within the prison walls there was an order, but no law, as the men reverted to their most primitive survival skills.

 _Survival of the fittest_ , Kid thought, and remembering what a fan Teaspoon had been of Darwin, but thought watching the theory play out was a little less enjoyable than discussing it on a sunlit porch. A sort of natural selection was implemented within the high wood fences with the barbed wire tops. The strong got the food first, and the weak forfeited their right to eat. The strong secured scraps of lumber and material to build rough shacks and lean-tos on the dry patches of land, and the weak lived in ankle deep water. The strong traded with the guards, and the weak went without. It was the cruelest environment that Kid had ever seen or imagined, but he was right there in the middle of it, elbowing the weak out of the way to secure a scrap of bread.

At first, he'd been quick to let another man in front of him in line, or quick to share his rations with someone less fortunate. But as weeks had gone by he'd learned that in order to survive he'd have to adapt to the order of things at Point Lookout.

That meant he had to stop seeing these men as his comrades, as on his side, and even that he had to stop seeing them as men altogether. They became competitors and adversaries, and if he wanted to remain one of the strong ones, even with his nagging cough, he could show no mercy.

 _God forgive me,_ Kid often thought as he crouched down with his dirty hands wrapped around a hunk of stale bread, and his eyes bright with fury and warning towards anyone who dared even cast a hungry look his way, _But I have to get home to Lou, and I'd sell my soul to make sure I do!_

* * *

"This is crazy!" Jimmy shouted, getting up from the bunkhouse table and storming across the floor, "I won't do it!"

"Jimmy, I don't like it any more than you do, but think about it!" Cody began, "Kid told Rachel in the letter to do anything to keep Lou here. _Anything,_ Jimmy!"

"Even tell a bald lie?" Jimmy asked incredulously.

"Jimmy, if Lou learns the truth about Point Lookout, there will be no holding her back. Do you want to be responsible for her going back out there, back through a war zone, now that she's expecting?" Teaspoon wondered.

"Teaspoon! You're in on this too?" Jimmy shook his head, and his eyes darted to Buck, "Buck? I suppose you think we should lie her about her own husband also...now, when she's carrying his baby?"

"Jimmy, it isn't like that…" Rachel began.

"It _is!_ " Jimmy roared and slammed his fist against the wall.

"Jimmy, there's no need for that!" Sam said quietly, "Now listen to reason. Jimmy, Point Lookout is a terrible place. If we tell Lou the truth of it, there will be no stopping her from racing after him. And there's nothing she could do to help him. Hell, Jimmy, from what I've heard, it may be too late already! But Kid knows that, and he doesn't want her coming after him! The one small comfort he has, locked up there is that Lou thinks he's reasonably safe and has an easy mind!"

"You can't go upsetting her right now, Jimmy, she's in a delicate condition!" Rachel began, memories of the trauma of her own husband's death followed by the loss of her own unborn child haunting her. "Sometimes a shock can end the whole pregnancy...this early along."

"Damn it, Lou ain't delicate! She's stronger than any of us!" Jimmy growled, then turned to stare out the window, shaking his head and refusing to admit the possibility that Kid could die alone in Maryland, with all of them warm in the bunkhouse in Nebraska, doing nothing about it.

"This is wrong!" Jimmy growled again, "And you all damn well know it."

"Jimmy, you are outvoted, Son," Teaspoon said flatly, "If I wasn't worried about Lou's health I wouldn't ask you to do it. But in order for this to work, we need your word that you won't tell Lou, so I am asking you."

Jimmy clenched his jaw and glared at the older man. Finally he sighed, "I don't like this. This is wrong. But if you all agree, then I won't say anything. Unless she asks me directly. Then I have to tell her the truth about Lookout."

Buck sighed, "I guess this is as good as we're gonna get from you?"

"You'd better be thankful you are getting that much," Jimmy shot back in irritation, "When is Lou coming home?"

"Later this afternoon," Rachel said quietly, "The doctor wanted to examine her hands and feet. He thinks they may be frostbitten."

Slowly, Rachel stood up and stretched, as unhappy as Jimmy about their plan to lie to Lou about Point Lookout, but knowing it was really important they did so, "I've got a dinner to cook! Sam, I hope you'll be staying," Rachel smiled warmly.

"I'd love to! Anyone that can put enough food on the table the way these boys eat has my respect," Sam grinned, his eyes crinkling at the corners as Cody looked offended, "Actually, if you boys don't mind, I'd love to stay a few days. I sent word to Emma, and my deputy is going to escort her up here. She's dying to see you boys, and Lou."

Teaspoon smiled, "It'll be just like old times."

Jimmy growled softly and turned his back on all of them. _Just like old times_ , he thought bitterly, _except that two of us are dead, and another is rotting in a prison camp, and the third is being treated like some sort of invalid who can't handle a bit of upsetting news._

"I'll help you, Rachel," Jimmy suddenly called out as the pretty woman headed out the door.

Rachel instantly raised her eyebrow skeptically, but didn't comment on his sudden desire to help with dinner after three years of showing up just in time, if even then, for dinner.

Once outside, Jimmy cleared his throat, "I have to talk to you Rachel."

Rachel rolled her eyes "Really, Jimmy? And here I thought you just wanted to learn to cook."

Jimmy cut his eyes at her, but chose not to comment on that remark.

"It's about Lou," Jimmy said.

"Really?" Rachel couldn't resist sending one more sarcastic remark his way.

"Rachel, this is serious!" Jimmy pleaded, "When I told Lou about her expecting a baby, she acted really strange. I've never seen her act so weird, Rachel. It is like she lost all control of herself. She acted scared out of her mind...like I never seen her before."

"Well, it can be a scary thing to have a baby, Jimmy," Rachel shrugged, "especially if it is your first."

"It was more than that, Rachel, she was almost hysterical. And I thought it might be because Kid is so far away, but when I suggested how happy he'd be to know, she demanded that no one tell him. Then she ran out on the porch, and the look in her eyes, well, it scared me, Rachel. I just thought I should tell you, so you could talk to her about it. Seemed like a woman thing…"

"I'll talk to her, but I think you're reading too much into it, Jimmy," Rachel said, and reached up a hand to pat his cheek fondly, "But I'm sure Kid would appreciate it."

Jimmy stopped in the yard to let her continue to the house alone, and shook his head, sure that he was right. Something had happened to scare Lou horribly about the coming baby.

* * *

Lou closed the door to the room in the main house quietly. It seemed so odd to be staying there instead of in the bunkhouse still, after the two years of being away. Her hands trembled as she sat on the edge of the bed, her hands clasping the dirty envelope that contained the letter from Kid.

She took a deep breath and steadied herself, feeling as if she might be sick for the umpteenth time that day. She fumbled with the letter, for she'd lost a bit of feeling in one of her fingers from the frostbite, and the doctor doubted she'd get it back.

Tears touched her eyes as she looked at Kid's tiny, scrawled writing, and she smiled as she remembered the express days and how she'd teased him about his chicken scratch. Now, it was one of the most precious of gifts to be able to try and decipher his thoughts.

Lou lay the letter on the bed and went to open the curtains to let more light in the room. Her eyes were sad as she looked down in the yard where Buck was holding a horse while Cody tended a wound on his leg. Jimmy was sitting on the bunkhouse steps talking to Sam, and both men were cleaning their guns. It was almost as if they were back in the express days.

Suddenly the bittersweet longing for those days was so great it almost took her breath away. Had they really understood how golden that time was, how special? They'd worked so hard and faced so many dangers, had they really been aware of how wonderful and special it had been to all of them to belong, the find family and love and acceptance. Would they ever be together as a family in that way again, she wondered, fighting for a common cause and each other?

Tears standing in her eyes, she returned to the letter, and sat down slowly to read it.

 _Dear Lou,_

 _Hopefully, this letter will find you safe and sound in Rock Creek, surrounded by people who love you almost as much as I do. I have been treated well by the Yanks, much as I hate to admit it, and even had a doctor look after my cough, which is improving. I discovered my final destination today. I'm being taken to Point Lookout, in Maryland. It is located right on the Chesapeake bay, so I'll feel right at home, knowing that those blue waters reach to Virginia. Point Lookout is a new prison, so I shouldn't have to worry about it being too crowded. And, I've heard talk already of them exchanging prisoners. Who knows, by the time I get there, I may get to come home._

 _Now, Lou, here comes the part that I know you are going to hate…but please keep reading and hear me out….Lou, you can't come to Maryland. I know you have plans to pack your bags and leave tonight, but you can't. There is nothing you can do, do you understand me, Lou? Just once, let's pretend we have a conventional marriage and that you meant it when you promised to honor and_ obey _me…you can't come out here! The journey is too dangerous, and the war is spreading all the time. There's no way to know where it will go next, and I don't want you caught up in the middle of a battle._

 _And Lou-more and more there are men that are deserting the army and as a lot, Lou, they are about as dangerous as any gang we ever met up with in our express days. Please, please remember that and take care riding alone. I feel sick knowing you set out to Rock Creek by yourself, hearing stories of how deserters from both sides are heading West._

 _Please honor this request of mine, Lou. I'm begging you here. I am going to get through this. All I have to do is picture your face, and that vision gives me the strength to survive a thousand years in the darkest of places._

 _We aren't meant to be together right now, Lou, but I believe that we will have a time and a place, and a life and a family together…_

Lou had to stop reading to wipe the tears out of her eyes…He knew just how to get to her, she realized, how to stop her in her tracks.

 _We're about to move out again, Lou, so I have to mail this letter. But I want you to know that those days I spent with you at Christmas were worth anything I'm about to endure now and I wouldn't trade them for years of freedom without you. You are my life, you have been my life since I met you and discovered what a stubborn, brave, beautiful woman you are…it's always been you, Lou. Long before I knew you, you were the love of my life, the answer to all my questions. I have no doubt that God put me on this Earth to love you._

 _And I do love you, Lou, more than I can ever write or say…you'll just have to trust me. That's the main thing to remember Lou, not only that I love you, but to trust me. Trust me that now is not the time to come and save me. Lou, now is your time to rest, after two long years of constant worry, knowing I am out of danger._

 _Love always, Kid._

Lou lay her head down on her pillow, and sobbed into it as she gave up hope of going after Kid. She couldn't, could she, after this letter from him? And she'd already drilled the others about Point Lookout, and they'd told her it was probably one of the best places to be if one had to be in a prison camp…and Kid was out of the fighting now…

It went against every instinct for her to give up the notion of trying to help him. But, she thought realistically, she wouldn't physically be able to help him…not now.

Her hand absently went to touch her abdomen, and the tears fell faster.

"Please, please, let this baby make it," She whispered hoarsely, looking upwards in prayer.

* * *

"Got a letter for you, Reb," A large, black guard grumbled and extended a dirty, torn envelope in front of Kid's nose.

Kid took it wordlessly, surprised that they were even allowed to have their mail. They screened everything going out of the prison to make sure the horror stories didn't leak out.

Kid recognized Lou's handwriting, which was faded on the weather beaten envelope, and his brow wrinkled in confusion as he saw the date on the letter. It was from almost a year ago, March of 1862. He'd heard of letters getting lost and found months later, but was shocked that this one had made it to him here, after a year. Nevertheless, his eyes looked on eagerly as he began reading her neat handwriting. All her other letters had been lost in the firing of their house and he craved word from her, even if it was a year old.

 _Dearest Kid,_

 _Seems so strange to be writing you this rather than getting to tell you face to face, but I am gonna bust if I don't tell you soon, so it will have to be a letter. It turns out you left me with an extra Christmas present this year. I am expecting! I am about two and a half months along. Been feeling just fine too. Ellen seems troubled that I ain't had much morning sickness (though I cannot abide the sight of raw chicken...or the thought of it I guess, as I got green around the gills just writing that last bit) but I think it's just I am so excited to start our family. Every day, I feel him (and yes, I honestly believe it is a boy…women just know these things) grow within me, a symbol of the love we share. He will be beautiful, I know it, and will go on to do great things in life! How can he not, with a mother and father that love him so much! Oh, when I think of the love we will have for this child, it moves me to tears...course most things do these days, including dropping a jar of jam the other day. That set me off for an hour. But I think all the mistakes our parents made, and all the love we didn't feel as children will be forgotten when our son is born! Oh, I can't wait to hear your response to this blessing, Kid! I won't tell anyone else until I know you've gotten word, but please write fast, because I'm dying to tell Rachel and Teaspoon, and especially the boys that they are going to be uncles! Can you imagine what a family this child will know? Oh, I wish you were here to watch the child grow within me, and I'm frightened to do this without you, Kid, but I understand, and when the time comes, knowing that you love me will carry me through this, until we can be together again!_

 _All my love,_

 _YOUR Lou_

A high roaring sound filled Kid's ears as the confusion lifted and he came to the devastating realization that Lou had at sometime, somehow, lost the child. He'd been oblivious to the life and death of his own unborn child, until now, when he was so very far from the woman who had suffered alone.


	8. Chapter 7: Hard Truths

Chapter Seven: Hard Truths

"Emma's here!" Lou heard Jimmy's excited cry from in her room, where she'd retreated to take an afternoon nap.

Smiling as she pushed herself up, Lou moved quickly down the stairs and burst into the station yard, running across it when she saw Emma being helped down from a buckboard by her husband.

"Emma!" Lou yelped happily and ran to the woman, throwing her arms around her.

Emma gasped in surprise and after hugging Lou tightly pushed her back and held her at arm's length, "Good Lord, Loulabelle!" Lou smiled at her old nickname and stood still while Emma looked her over. She took the time to glance over the older woman as well. Emma looked almost exactly the same, with her wild, light red hair and her large, dark eyes. Those eyes were brighter, and the traces of sadness that had been there before had been lifted.

"Louise, you are beautiful!" Emma said, shaking her head and breaking into a huge grin as she hugged the young woman again, "I always knew you were beautiful, but now I'm asking myself how any of us were ever fooled by you!" Emma grinned slyly and glanced at Teaspoon, "And, some of us were fooled longer than others."

Louise smiled shyly as Teaspoon rolled his eyes, and looked over Emma's shoulders to where two small girls were peering at her timidly over their dolls.

"Let me guess, these two beautiful ladies must be Alice and Louise!" He said, striking himself over his heart.

Lou smiled broadly while the two girls giggled at being called 'ladies.'

Jimmy was quick to appear at the side of the wagon, and drop into an elaborate bow before holding his hands out to them, "May I help you two beautiful ladies down?"

They giggled hysterically and one of them moved back shyly.

The other one, with even more fiery hair than her mother, and her father's cool gray eyes walked up and curtseyed prettily before holding her small hand out, "I'm Louise, and this is my sister, Alice! You better put me down first. She don't do anything until she sees if I survive it."

Alice peeked out shyly from underneath her long golden brown curls, with coal black eyes like Emma's. Both girls were beautiful, and a flattering combination of their handsome parents.

Jimmy's smile was too broad to be anything but thoroughly amused. He swung Louise high in the air in a twirl and set her on her feet. Hearing her sister giggle wildly, Alice let Jimmy do the same for her. He crouched down low in front of them, eye to eye. "I'm Uncle Jimmy. And I bet your daddy is going to have to buy a big shotgun someday!"

Sam looked a little worried at the truth of the words, choosing not to think about the days ahead when suitors would line up to court his daughters. At hearing him call himself Uncle Jimmy, a pang of utter longing went through Lou. How she wanted Jimmy to have the chance to be an uncle to her own child. It started her, the strength of the emotion she felt watching him with the little girls.

Rachel was quickly introduced to Emma after the initial reunion was over, and the two women sized each other up quickly, in the discrete way only women who have taken care of the same men are capable of achieving. Each seemed to find the other measured up.

"You ladies must be very tired after your journey, so how would you like to come inside and get cleaned up before dinner?" Rachel asked with a smile.

"That sounds wonderful," Emma smiled back, "Come on girls."

"But we want to stay with Uncle Jimmy!" Louise whined, setting her jaw. "I ain't tired!"

"Reminds me of another character by the same name," Teaspoon grinned when he saw the willful child, and Lou could only grin with pleasure.

"Time enough for that later, sweetheart," Sam grinned, and swept Louise up in one arm, turning her upside down while she giggled in delight. Without missing a beat he leaned down to sweep Alice into his arms, and similarly inverted her.

Both girls squealed with laughter as their father struck out across the station yard, with his daughters upside down in his arms.

Buck shook his head and laughed, "There goes one of the toughest lawmen in the West!"

"Armed and ready to fight," Cody replied with a broad grin.

He then went to Emma and slung his arm gently around her shoulder, kissing her on the cheek before grinning and asking, "So, I guess with you and Rachel both here, it'll be double the cooking right?"

Emma rolled her eyes and shook her head, "It's nice to see that nothing has changed!"

Jimmy smiled softly, glad to see Emma, though it brought a bit of a flush to his face thinking of how he'd fancied himself in love with her at one time. He was pleased to see the look of joy on Lou's face. It would be good for her to spend some time with Emma. For although she loved Rachel as her very dear friend, she'd always seen Emma as a surrogate mother. Maybe that was what Lou needed with her thoughts so worried and her about to be a mother herself.

The next few days were blissful, and as happy as they could be for everyone, given the sad times. Emma and Rachel kept them all laughing, comparing horror stories about looking after the boys. They were all smitten with Alice and Louise, and spoiled the girls rotten.

Emma, Rachel, and Lou stayed up talking late into the night, giggling hysterically at times and shedding tears at other times. Emma was full of advice for Lou for her pregnancy, and Lou was all ears, so determined was she to do everything right.

She felt the strong urge to tell Emma and Rachel both about her miscarriage, but then felt so guilty that they would know and not Kid, that she never got her courage to go through with it.

Lou felt a small wave of peace wash over her as she ambled to Tompkin's store one afternoon to pick up a few ingredients for Emma's famous stew, which she had promised to fix that night, after days of Cody's whining.

Lou smiled slightly as she went along the streets of the quiet town. Kid was safe from the war, everyone else had gathered safely at the station, and so far, there had been no trouble with her new baby. In fact, the edge of the terror had started to wear off, and she felt her heart beat with excitement again. Having a child to love and hold, and to raise with her husband was still something she longed for night and day, but now there was so much more at stake. If anything happened this time, she most certainly would never be able to have another child, and even if she was able, she didn't know how she would get over the loss a second time.

Lou shook her head, as if that would chase the bad thoughts away from this beautiful winter day, and instead looked around the town. There was so much less evidence of the bloodshed out West. Men that walked the streets here were whole, and didn't wear uniforms, and the grief stricken faces were fewer.

"Lou!" Mr. Tompkins boomed heartily when she walked through the door.

Lou walked over and hugged the gruff old man that she'd once attacked with a skillet tightly, "It's good to see you, Mr. Tompkins!"

"And you too! You look real pretty. I was glad to see you were back safe from the East. Any word from Kid, yet?"

"Yes. He's in Point Lookout in Maryland, I'm so relieved to know that!"

Suddenly an older woman that had been walking by stopped in her tracks and looked at Lou as if she had murdered someone, "Point Lookout, did you say?"

Lou nodded, feeling intimidated, but not knowing why. In her express days she'd stood up to outlaws and men twice her size without flinching, "Yes ma'am. Point Lookout, from what I hear it is a nice facility that…."

The woman's short, bitter laughter, cut her off in mid-sentence, "I don't know who you've been talking to, but let me tell you a story about Point Lookout! My boy was sent there, and we went to get him out, only to discover that he'd died of starvation! The place is the filthiest, dirtiest place I've ever seen, filled with stagnant water. It would be overrun by rats, but the men have to eat them because they don't have enough food! More men die there than in any other Northern camp! Those men are treated worse than animals!"

"Point Lookout? In Maryland?" Lou asked slowly, feeling her pulse ticking in her throat as her disbelief and anger started to mount. Her nausea had abated some, but was back full force suddenly. "You must be mistaken!"

"You don't forget the name of the place where your son was murdered, young lady!" The older woman pointed a bony finger in Lou's face, and made her way through the store.

"Lou, I'm sure she doesn't know what she's saying," Mr. Tompkins began, in a quick attempt to soothe the furious girl. "If Point Lookout was so bad, I'm sure one of the others would have heard that and told you."

Lou didn't even really hear him. Leaving the basket Rachel had sent with her sitting on the counter, Lou gathered her skirts and began walking briskly back toward the station, feeling the color drain from her face. Her heart beat quickened with every step as her rage grew stronger.

When she slammed the bunkhouse door open, causing a lantern to shatter as it banged against the wall, her eyes were flashing with fire. Buck, Cody, and Jimmy were all sitting at the table playing cards, while Rachel and Emma stood by the sink. Sam was bouncing the girls on his knee, and Teaspoon was laying on his back on the bunk that had once been Kid's. They all spun to face her, shock in their expressions.

"Lou, what is it? Close the door, you are letting cold air in!" Rachel said gently, starting to move toward the wild-eyed girl. She closed the door softly, and moved to put her arm on Lou's.

Lou, who had been glaring at them all contemptuously, sprang to life as if she'd been burned and screeched, "Don't touch me!"

"Lou, what's going on?" Jimmy asked, standing up slowly and approaching her as if she were a horse caught in barbed wire, about to leap in the air and do irreparable damage to itself.

"You _liars!_ " Lou shrieked, backing away from Jimmy as if he held a gun to her, "Why? Why didn't you tell me? He could be dead! He could be laying there dying right now, wondering why I'm not there, why I haven't come for him!"

The thought brought tears streaming down Lou's flushed cheeks, and she doubled over and sobbed into her hands.

" _What_ are you talking about Loulabelle?" Emma wondered nervously for all of them.

"Why did you lie to me about Point Lookout?" Lou demanded brokenly from behind her hands.

"What are you talking ab-" Cody began but Lou screamed " _Just stop it!_ " when he would have denied her the truth. Again.

"Lou, Kid told us to do anything to keep you from coming after him. Even lie," Teaspoon said gently, standing up and moving toward the girl cautiously.

"I don't give a damn what he said! I deserve to know the truth! He's my _husband_! What right do _any_ of you have to deceive me? How dare you!" Lou suddenly growled and raised her head, her tears stopped by her fury.

"Lou, they meant well, they only wanted to protect you, because you can't do anything about it, not now with the baby coming…" Jimmy took another hesitant step toward her.

Lou shoved his outstretched arm away with a force that caused Jimmy to stumble backwards.

She pointed at Jimmy, " _They?_ Don't you mean _we_ , Jimmy? Are you going to try to tell me you didn't agree to this? Because you were sitting right here while _they_ lied to me about Kid. I was a fool to come back here! Y'all are so blinded by your politics that you're probably glad to see Kid die, to have one less slave-chaining-rebel to kill in battle! Well, at least he's doing something about this war! At least he doesn't pretend it doesn't exist, and turn his back on his cause like all of you do! You proclaim the North as waging some sort of Holy War, but you aren't willing to take up arms! _You cowards!_ "

Lou spun on her heel and slammed the bunkhouse door behind her, ending the existence of another plate, and causing Alice to start to cry in fear. Even fearless little Louise looked as if she might burst into tears at the display of fury she'd just witnessed.

"Where is she going to go?" Emma sighed, shaking her head as she picked up the daughter frightened by her namesake, "Who does she have besides us?"

"Kid," Jimmy said quietly, looking out the window, "She's going to go get Kid."

Lou stumbled into the stable, finding herself drawn to the third stall on the right, the stall she'd walked to so many times to find Kid sitting quietly on the wall watching the beautiful paint mare that rested within.

Katy nickered to see her, and Lou flung her arms around Kid's beloved mare's neck and sobbed into her mane violently. Katy, with the uncanny ability of her species to understand emotion, turned to nuzzle the girl's arm with her nose, nickering nervously.

"Lou," a voice sounded from in the hallway of the barn. Lou narrowed her eyes when she recognized Jimmy's voice, and didn't turn around.

"Leave me alone, Jimmy. There's nothing you can say."

"Yeah, well, I'm gonna say a lot, so you'd better get used to it."

"It doesn't matter what you say, Jimmy. I meant every word I said in there."

"You can call me a coward until you are blue in the face Lou, and it won't really affect me. And you want to know why? Because it is the truth, but I just want to get one thing straight. Yes, I am terrified of this war, but not because I'm afraid of taking up arms against the South or dying. I'm terrified because if I fight, it means I take up arms _against Kid_. The thought of meeting Kid across a field of battle stops me cold in my tracks every time I decide to enlist. So if that makes me a coward, then I guess I can live with it, because I sure can't live with the idea of killing Kid."

Lou narrowed her eyes even further, and pressed her face harder into Katy's course mane, "It still doesn't make lying to me about Point Lookout acceptable. I can't believe out of all of them, that you'd allow it."

"Damn it, Lou, don't you think I tried to tell them it was a bad idea? But I was outvoted, and they were all so all fired sure that it was what Kid would want. Don't you see my trouble here Lou? I'm always caught between my loyalty to you, and my loyalty to Kid. And it isn't an easy place to be!"

"I love Kid with all my heart, but you know as well as I do that he's never quite trusted my strength. You know differently, Jimmy. You know that whatever it is, I'll handle it."

"I know you will," Jimmy shrugged, "The point is, Kid doesn't want you going to Maryland. He told Rachel that, and I know he told you that. Shouldn't you respect his wishes, Lou?"

"Well, I don't want to sit here while he starves to death, Jimmy," Lou growled, "So which is the greater evil?"

"Lou, you just can't go after him. Understand? How do you think you'll get him out? You just gonna ride up there with your guns blazing damnation and hellfire and demand they let him go? You gonna stand there and stomp your foot and tell the U.S. Government how it's going to be?"

Lou felt new tears well in her eyes as for the first time she pondered the question of _how_ she was going to get Kid out.

"I'll do whatever I have to," she finally said.

"And that baby? Are you forgetting the baby?" Jimmy asked angrily.

"How dare you!" Lou finally spun to face Jimmy, "I think about this baby every minute, every second! But this child _will_ know his father!"

"You realize what you are trying to do is treason, Lou. If you try anything at all, they can hang you or put you in front of a firing squad. And don't you think for a minute that being a woman, or a pregnant woman for that matter, will change a thing. They might wait till the baby is born, sure, but it ain't gonna save you."

"When have I ever asked for special treatment because I'm a woman? It isn't me who has the problem with that, it is everyone else. And if the U.S. government has decided to measure out equal punishments, I say good for them and that it is about time!"

"Lou, maybe you can live with that, but we can't, and Kid won't be able to either."

"Jimmy, your words are falling on deaf ears," a new voice suddenly rang from the doorway of the barn, and Cody and Buck came forward.

Lou looked as if she might strike the two men who walked to stand beside Jimmy.

"I have nothing to say to you two either," She said, turning her back on them, and tracing one of Katy's white splotches with her finger.

"Well, you don't have to say anything to us. You've said quite a bit," Cody said, a small smile tugging at his mouth as he thought about just how much Lou, who had once been so quiet had just said, "Now it is our turn."

"You just said the words were falling on deaf ears," Jimmy reminded Cody, "what do you propose to do?"

"Help her," Buck smiled nervously, as if he couldn't believe what they were about to agree to, "let's go get Kid out of there."

Lou straightened up, but still didn't turn around.

"You hear that Lou?" Cody asked, in an obnoxiously loud voice, pretending that Lou wasn't ignoring them but that, in fact, she really couldn't hear them. "We talked about it, and we can't let Kid just sit there, even if that is what he wants."

"Why should I trust you?" Lou began, "You've been lying to me since I got here."

"Ah, so you've got your hearing back, good! You know perfectly well we had a damn good reason for lying. But you also know that we are your family, and we'd do anything for you…and Kid, and that's why you're gonna have to start trusting us right now. You can't go help Kid in your condition, but we can." Cody explained.

"I'm not staying here! I'm going!"

"Lou," Jimmy began, "You just can't! Surely even you can understand that right now."

" _I will_ ," Lou snapped with finality, reminding them that she was as headstrong as ever, then looked back to Cody, "And what about the fact you would be committing treason? You're an officer of the U.S. Army, Cody."

"What about it?" Cody said, and raised his eyebrows and smiled weakly.

"When has that ever stopped us before?" Buck grinned.

"It's never been a high crime against your country before," Lou pointed out.

"Don't be so sure," Jimmy grinned, "you're forgetting some of our adventures, ain't you Lou?"

"Lou, you may not believe us, but just because we don't agree with Kid's politics, it doesn't mean we don't love the fool as much as we always did. We can't let him rot in there, and you won't be able to get him out on your own. I have connections that may be valuable," Cody said. "Hell, maybe we can avoid getting hung if we're smart about it."

"Wouldn't count on that," Buck pointed out wryly.

Lou turned to look at Jimmy, "And what about that talk before me and Kid left Rock Creek? You pretty much declared yourselves at war, long before the country did."

"There's been enough hate in this war to last a lifetime Lou. And funny thing, but love outlasts hate. No matter how angry I am at Kid for fighting for the South, especially after Noah died, I can't hate him any more. He's family as much as you are, and if you're going to risk saving him, then I can't let you do it alone."

"So what do you say Lou?" Buck finally asked softly, after Jimmy's words had sunk in.

"I say, let's ride," Lou nearly whispered, tears of anxiety rising in her eyes as she stepped out of Katy's stall and into the arms of her brothers.


	9. Chapter 8: Changing Winds

Chapter Eight: Changing Winds

"Come on, Reb, if you want water today," The large guard growled at the man huddled in the corner of the tent with a dirty piece of paper in his hands.

Kid looked up, his thoughts about Lou and the baby interrupted. He'd been sitting there grasping the letter for a day and a half, his mind working in circles.

"Do you want to drink today or not?" The guard repeated, growing impatient with him.

Kid didn't say a word, put pushed himself to his feet and walked to the opening. He stopped outside the large barrel of water that had just been filled and looked to the guard, "Where's the ladle?" he finally dared to ask, already knowing the answer.

The guard scratched his head and tried to hide his gleeful smile, "Guess I must've lost it," he shrugged, "I guess you can drink from the barrel."

Sighing, and knowing this sport of the guards almost as well as the one where they fired into the mass of prisoners, Kid shook his head, "I'm not thirsty."

The guard wasn't prepared to let it go that easily, "You know we ain't gonna be bringing water around until next Sunday. You might want to take a drink now."

"I guess if I get too thirsty I can just drink the water under my feet," Kid said sarcastically.

Suddenly the guard was pointing his revolver at Kid's forehead, "Drink, boy."

Kid, knowing that the man wouldn't think twice about killing him, sighed and took a deep breath before leaning down to drink directly from the barrel, feeling like a horse at a trough. He knew what was coming long before the guard placed both hands on the back of his head and forced him under the water.

Enraged to be dunked under the water once again, Kid twisted and flailed his arms and legs, but the guard easily avoided him and continued to hold his head under. Kid felt this temples start to throb and his chest get tight as the time went by, and wondered if the guard meant to drown him. He opened his eyes and looked around the murky barrel, thinking that this might be his last view of the world.

Kid decided it wasn't to be so. Not when he'd survived the Pony Express, and the first two years of the Civil War. He wasn't going to die here, with his head held in a barrel by a guard who probably didn't know what real danger was.

Kid stopped his struggle, and allowed his limbs to go limp, praying the guard would believe him dead. The second he felt the grip on his hair loosen, Kid flung his head back and drew air into his burning lungs with a mighty gasp.

The guard paled at the look in Kid's icy eyes, but didn't have time to draw his weapon before Kid rushed him, tackling and pinning him on the ground, while sending fists flying at the man's face.

Kid struck him again and again, a rage unlike any he'd ever known invading his whole body. He was angry at the guards, at the Yankees, at Ben Raymond for dying, at Lou for not telling him about the baby, but most of all at himself for not being able to stop any of the senselessness.

The guard's face grew bloody, and he ceased to struggle, but still Kid pounded him madly. He might have killed the man with his bare hands if two of the prisoners hadn't come to drag him away, still swinging.

"Calm down boy!" The older of the two men growled, "You want to die?"

They all but carried him away from the scene, and probably saved his life by making sure he was lost in the crowds before any of the other guards made it to the fallen man's assistance. When finally they sat him down in another tent, far from the scene, the fight had left Kid, and the realization of what he had done sank in. He'd been totally prepared to die back there, he suddenly realized, so miserable and lonely was he. He hadn't been prepared to let the guard kill him by drowning him, but was willing to fight until one of the other guards had put a bullet through his skull. Kid paled at the realization.

The two men who drug Kid away stared at him oddly.

Kid glanced up at them and tried to hide tears from his eyes, "I'm in debt to you."

"Well, if we don't stick together in this place, none of us are going to make it out alive," the older of the two men said, sticking his hand out to Kid.

"I'm Barney Weathers, and this is my son, Marty. We're from Tennessee."

"People call me Kid, from Virginia," Kid responded slowly, cautious about trusting anyone in this Godforsaken place.

"Well, Kid from Virginia, I tell you one thing. I hope I'm never on the receiving end of those fists," Marty, who was about Kid's age, said quietly, cracking a smile. He had dark brown hair and eyes the same color, eyes that were calm and serene. Barney had those same gentle eyes, but his hair had turned silver.

The didn't have the look to them that most of the prisoners had, which prompted Kid to ask, "You haven't been here long, have you?"

"No, just brought in about four days ago," Ben replied, and looked outside to make sure no one was coming after Kid.

"Well, I'm just here to tell you, you'd better watch your back here, understand? You can't trust no one!"

Barney looked at him closely, "Not even you? You appear to be an honest fellow."

Kid sighed ruefully, "I used to be. Used to be so full of my principles that I could only see black and white. This place will change you, and fast. Turn you into something you never thought you'd become."

"Only if you let it," Marty said, his voice strong.

Barney smiled slightly at his son and nodded, "That's right. These Yanks have the power to take everything we own, even our lives. The way I see it, the only things we have that are ours anymore are our morals and our character. You let them take that, son," he was referring to Kid rather than his real son, "and all is lost. They've stolen your soul."

Kid felt a shiver run down his spine, wondering if it was too late for him, if his _soul_ had been stolen.

"So, Kid from Virginia, what do you say? Want to take a risk and trust two crazy Tennessee dirt farmers?" Marty grinned, and Kid found his ability to be cheerful surrounded by the smell and sight of thousands of unclean, sick men, incredible.

Kid sighed and went against his better judgement, but with his heart when he looked up at them and attempted a smile, "Virginians are crazier than Tennesseeians on y'all's best day."

Barney and Marty smiled, and Kid felt his blood grow cold as he looked into their eyes. Eyes that were so much like Ben Raymond's, and so many others that he'd seen staring sightlessly up from the battlefield or prison camp.

They were right, though, he realized. Although survival of the fittest was the only way to guarantee survival in the camp, and although Kid had been growing more fierce by the day, he knew that if it turned him into the animal he was becoming, he didn't really want to survive.

It was time to take his soul back.

* * *

Although Lou was ready to ride out the very afternoon that Cody, Jimmy, and Buck had agreed to go with her, she realized that it wasn't practical.

There were many arrangements to be made for such a trip, especially when Teaspoon sighed and declared he was going to go with them. Lou found walking back into the bunkhouse after her outburst very hard and humbling, but kept her chin up, defiant that she had every right to be angry.

The next two days were a wild flurry of activity. Sam prepared to set up his office in Rock Creek, where he would act as marshal while carrying out his duties as territorial governor. He and Emma agreed to stay with Rachel at the station with their daughters, and help her look after the land and animals.

Cody had to ride back to Cool Falls to ask for leave, and Buck and Jimmy were busy buying supplies, and picking out the horses to take. Each of them would take a horse, and a sixth horse would carry supplies. Lou urged them not to take their faithful mounts for fear they'd be confiscated or killed, but Teaspoon pointed out that they'd have to sell the horses when they boarded the train, and attempt to buy more when they got to their final destination of Washington D.C.

With all the preparations that had to be made, Lou had nothing to do but wait. She spent the days being told to rest by Emma and Rachel, who still tried to talk her out of going. This gave Lou long hours to think, and often her thoughts were grim and frightening. The weight of her husband's situation did not dawn on her slowly, as it would have if she'd found out right away that Point Lookout was a deadly place. The weight of it came on like a ton of bricks instantly, and a million new bad thoughts seemed to occur to her every hour.

She went to the doctor one morning and told him her situation. It was the first time anyone besides Ellen had learned of her miscarriage, and the first time she'd had to actually tell anyone. She came unglued in the doctor's cheerful home. The old man had wrung his hands and tried his best to comfort the inconsolable young woman. Lou finally gained control of herself, and went on to explain how Kid was in the camp and she was going after him.

"Oh, Mrs. McCloud, I don't think that is a good idea," the doctor told her.

"I know it is not a good idea!" Lou said, "But I have to go! What I need to know from you, is what is the danger to the baby? The ride is only about a week, and we'll be taking it slowly. Then we board a train for the rest of the journey."

The doctor scratched his beard and sighed, "It's a risk I wouldn't take, especially given your history, ma'am."

"How much of a risk? And what are the chances of me having this baby if I don't take the journey?"

"Much better than if you do, but I won't lie to you. If you suffered a miscarriage once, it is likely you could again, regardless of where you go. But the strenuous travelling, along with the stress of trying to save your husband, make the chances much greater. Greater than I really want to admit to you. I'm not at all confident the child will make it to term if you go," the doctor cleared his throat, and paused, hesitant to share his next thought, but obviously having more to say.

"What is it, please?" Lou asked, leaning forward and putting a hand on his arm.

"Well, the child isn't the only one in danger. If something should go wrong out there on the trail, with you so far from medical help, then you might not make it either. And even if you do get to a doctor, miscarriages can often be fatal to the mother as well, especially if any internal damage was done before."

Lou sat back on the sofa and took a deep breath. She'd never considered her own life in danger.

"Thank you so much for your time, Dr. Brooks," Lou smiled shakily as she stood up and wiped at her eyes, "You've been so helpful."

Dr. Brooks looked at her knowingly out from under bushy eyebrows, "I haven't changed your mind, have I? You'll still go?"

"I have to go," Lou nearly whispered.

"Well then, listen closely. You be sure to eat plenty out there, and see a doctor as soon as you get to Maryland, understand? And when you get your husband out, you stay in Maryland, or get yourself to Virginia. Don't you risk the trip back!"

"Yes sir," Lou smiled weakly, and left the office, her head wheeling.

 _Am I doing the right thing?_ she wondered as she walked out to the porch.

"There you are!" Jimmy's voice suddenly broke through her thoughts.

Lou jumped in surprise, and quickly went to wipe her swollen eyes and blotchy face, surprised that he'd come to meet her on her way home from the doctor.

"What is it? What's wrong? What did the doctor say?" Jimmy asked in one breath.

"He told me not to go, just like I knew he would," Lou said sadly, and looked up at Jimmy miserably, "I know that I shouldn't, but I have to Jimmy," She paused, "don't I?"

Jimmy looked deeply into her eyes, knowing her about as well as anyone in the world. She wanted him to tell her it was okay to go, or to stay. She was so torn that she was willing to let him make the decision for her, something he'd never known her to do before.

"Uh-uh, Lou," Jimmy smiled, shaking his head, and reaching out to touch her chin, "You know the choice isn't mine. You do whatever your heart tells you to do, all right? And whatever you decide, things will work out like they are supposed to, okay?"

She looked very young and fragile as she gazed into his confident stare, and Jimmy felt especially protective toward her as he put an arm around her shoulder and started guiding her back to the station.

"We're leaving in the morning, Lou. You have until then to decide," Jimmy whispered as they walked up the stairs to the main house. He leaned down and kissed her cheek gently before he opened the door. Lou stepped inside, as obediently as a child.

She watched him from the window with wide eyes as he turned and jogged back to the bunkhouse.

"It's going to be a long night," Lou said aloud, to no one in particular as she turned and walked wearily up the steps. The decision she made that night could affect the life of her child and herself.

Staying meant a greater chance of having a child, of living to raise it, of being able to tell her child about his or her father, if the unthinkable occurred. Going meant risking her child's life, her own life, and there was a possibility of failure to get him out or being too late, as Cody and Teaspoon had both made her clearly realize.

But going carried with it the possibility of looking into Kid's eyes one more time, of telling him how much she loved him, whether they were successful or not, whether one or the other didn't make it. At the very least, it could be a chance to say goodbye, to touch his dear face, to secure it forever in her memory. At the very least…

At the most it could mean having Kid at her side to hold her when she woke up in a terrified sweat, after a nightmare about losing him or the child. It could mean having him there when the time came to bring the child into the world, or if it wasn't meant to be, to give him or her back to God.

Jimmy wasn't surprised to see Lou walking out of the house with a determined stride at dawn. Her husband's life was something she could entrust to no one, except herself, and no risk was greater to her than the risk of going through life without him.

With infinite respect for her courage and her devotion to Kid, Jimmy was instantly at her side, taking her hand and leading her up to the appaloosa Teaspoon had selected for her to ride.

"Have I ever told you that you are a damn fine woman, Louise McCloud?" Jimmy smiled broadly at her, and felt foolish to feel his voice almost break on tears.

"I think in the past the word you used was crazy. And I think you were right then," Lou smiled, the rising sun hitting her eyes and turning them a brilliant gold.

"That's the one I vote on," Cody commented after overhearing the exchange between them. He blinked innocently when they glared at him, and retreated out of hearing distance.

"You ready?" Jimmy wondered.

"Ready as I'll ever be," Lou smiled, and allowed Jimmy to boost her onto the horse.

Rachel, Emma, Sam, Alice and Louise all lined up on the hard packed dirt.

"You three take care," Teaspoon smiled at them, "And we'll be back in a few months, complete with Kid."

"No doubt you will," Sam grinned, "You boys and girls watch your backs!"

"Like we always do," Buck grinned.

"Ride Safe, all of you!" Rachel said, tears filling her eyes. Emma put her arm around the younger woman's shoulders.

"Don't you worry, Rachel! Soon, everything will be as it should be," Teaspoon smiled, and before tears filled his own eyes, he motioned to the boys and Lou, and they turned and galloped out of the station, like they had so many times before.

Only this time, they rode East instead of West, toward the war that had been brewing on the horizon since their earliest days together, and had now exploded into a furious storm.


	10. Chapter 9: Derailed

Chapter 9: Derailed

Lou pressed her hand to the small of her back and winced. The long days of riding, even at the slow pace Teaspoon insisted they take, were starting to wear on her. Shaking her head, she walked to the edge of the creek and kneeled, bringing the sharply cold water to her face to rinse the dirt and grime.

The worst of her morning sickness had passed, and now she just felt tired, and often disheartened. She couldn't shake the gloom that hung over her, and she hated the uncontrollable and violent mood swings that she experienced.

A few hours ago she'd been laughing hard at Cody, who got knocked off his horse because he was turned around, talking to them instead of looking out for a low hanging branch. Then, they stopped in a pretty meadow to make camp for the night, and Buck came over and offered to take care of her horse.

Lou's cheeks flamed as she remembered how she reacted.

She screamed at the poor man as if he'd asked to steal the horse instead. Her voice had been high pitched as she insisted she could do it herself. The look on Buck's face had stopped her in mid-sentence, and caused her to burst into tears.

To make matters worse, Teaspoon had come over to her, hugged her and chuckled, muttering "women…even more mysterious when expecting. Don't worry about it, sweetheart, it's just all the crazy chemicals inside talking, not you."

At his laughter, Lou had found herself smiling slightly, and apologizing to Buck, who just smiled cautiously, and told her not to worry about it. Within a five minute span she'd been furious, horrified, sad, happy, and apologetic. Lou shook her head and talked to her stomach, as she often did, "Some day I'm going to remind you of all that you put me through! The boys are never going to let me forget this."

She smiled slightly, in a rare moment of pleasure, as she looked down. She was well over three months along, and she was getting just slightly rounded. No one else could tell yet, but she could. Funny, she seemed to see the differences in her body much sooner with this pregnancy than the last. Soon, her old pants wouldn't fit, and she'd have to wear the skirts instead. They'd be through with their journey by then though, and it would be unnecessary for her to dress as a man ever again.

"Don't forget to document how many hours of labor you have to go through when the time comes," Cody suddenly grinned, having walked up behind her and heard her speak to the child, "My mother used to love to remind me of that when I irritated her."

Lou smiled softly and giggled, "I was only eight when my mother died, and I remember her using that one on me. Thirty-four hours."

Cody crouched and rinsed his hands before looking over at her and grinning, "Forty-one."

They laughed together. Lou glanced at Cody closely for a minute, studying him. He'd grown up a lot since the express ended, she suddenly realized. Although he still loved fun, and he was still a ham, there was soberness in his eyes. There was also somewhat of a wisdom in his air that she'd only seen rare bits of in the past. Cody would always be a showman, Lou knew, but he'd turned into a man.

"What?" He demanded softly as he stood and reached a hand down to help her.

Lou blushed, not meaning to have stared so blatantly, "You just surprised me. You grew up."

He reached over to pull her hat over her eyes and she giggled when he said, "Don't count on it."

* * *

Kid sat on the sandy ground with his face turned upwards to the bright late March sun. It was the first warm day since he'd been at Point Lookout, and it felt wonderful to be warmed all the way through. It hadn't rained in awhile, and much of the standing water had been dried. For the first time in a long time, Kid felt a bit of a smile tug at his lips.

He reached down to pull from his dirty shirt the only thing of value he'd managed to keep hidden from the other prisoners and the guards, the chain with the St Christopher charm Lou had given him for Christmas, which now also held his wedding band.

"Who is she?" a voice suddenly asked from above him.

Kid squinted until a shadow moved between him and the sun. Marty sat himself down beside his friend.

"What?" Kid asked.

"Your wife? Who is she? Why didn't you ever tell me about her? Lord knows I've run my mouth enough about every sweet girl in Tennessee I ever knew. Now, it's your turn."

Kid smiled. He still found himself hesitant to open up to anyone, even Marty and Barney who'd been his companions since that day a few weeks ago when he'd attacked the guard.

"Oh, come on, I won't steal her from you, promise…well, maybe not," Marty grinned, "How about her name? Can I at least know that? Or is she like you and doesn't have one?"

Kid laughed, and shook his head, "No, she has a name…Louise."

"She pretty?" Marty asked, knowing that Kid would open up after he saw the smile on his face at the mere mention of her name.

Kid cut his eyes at Marty, knowing good and well he was about to be conned into telling him about Lou whether he wanted to or not. "No, she's beautiful," Kid grinned, "beautiful auburn hair and big brown eyes, her eyes are my favorite I think. Those eyes say more than anything else. If she's angry they cloud up and flash, if she's laughing they laugh too," Kid suddenly turned red and cleared his throat, realizing how dreamy his voice had become.

Marty laughed, and pushed Kid for more, "How did you all meet?"

Kid laughed aloud and looked at the lanky man beside him, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

"Okay, we met while riding for the Pony Express."

"That doesn't sound so odd."

"No, you don't understand…she rode for the express too, not just me. And the truth is, she was better at it," Kid laughed at the look of amazement on Marty's face but before he could express his doubt, Kid continued, "It's true. She's the stubbornest, bravest, most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. She used to drive me crazy, insisting she could take on any band of outlaws that was out there. Sad thing was, she really could, most of the time. I kept proposing to her, hoping she'd stop and settle down. It took me three times before she said yes."

Marty shook his head, "And so you got married. Got any kids, yet?"

Marty knew he'd said something wrong by the way Kid instantly straightened and shut himself off.

"No, no kids. I think I'm gonna go get some water while there's still some left."

With that Kid walked away, leaving Marty to wonder exactly what had upset Kid so bad. He had a feeling it had to do with the letter he often caught him reading or the sadness in his friend's eyes.

He shook his head, feeling guilty for ruining Kid's obvious enjoyment of the sunshine.

* * *

"All aboard!"

"Where's Teaspoon?" Lou said hopelessly as Jimmy and Buck ushered her onto the car they were to be riding in.

"He'll be here. He probably is holding out for top dollar on those horses!"

"No one has top dollar anymore," Cody muttered, also concerned that Teaspoon would miss the train.

"There he is!" Buck suddenly cried, and waved his arms so Teaspoon could spot them among the milling people on the platform. Teaspoon came up with a huge grin on his face.

"Got a good price for the whole lot!" he said triumphantly, then he sobered, "Course, back east, horses are so scarce it'll probably take the whole bundle to get one."

"Let's cross that bridge when we get there," Jimmy reasoned.

They settled into their compartment and made themselves comfortable. The journey by train could take two weeks, or longer if the tracks had been damaged by the war.

Jimmy felt ready to jump out of his skin by the time the train chugged slowly away from the waving family members on the platform. He'd never been on a train before, and soon found that he liked his palomino infinitely better.

Cody, on the other hand, touched the fine velvet of his seat and folded his arms behind his head, "Now, this is the life!"

Buck rolled his eyes and turned to stare out the window, amazed at the speed they were picking up, "We should have taken these on our runs instead of horses."

"One day, this is how the mail will travel. Soon as they finish the transcontinental railroad, won't even be a need for messengers anymore. What can't go by telegraph will go by rail."

"That's progress!" Cody exclaimed, a big fan new invention. "One day, you'll just think of what you want to tell someone in California, and they'll just be able to read your mind."

"One day," Jimmy reminded him, rolling his eyes, "So don't strain yourself trying to get messages to anyone in Sacramento just yet, okay Billy?"

Cody shot him an irritated glare, "Wanna guess what I'm thinking right now, Hickok?"

The others laughed.

"Probably safer I don't," Jimmy responded, raising his eyebrows and turning to look out the window. He shifted restlessly.

"You just can't stand it, can you Jimmy? Can't you just sit back and relax? You're making me nervous!" Cody charged him.

"I'd rather be doing something," Jimmy admitted, "anything would be better than just watching the land roll by."

"Why don't you shine my boots, then?" Buck suggested drawing a scathing glare.

Teaspoon shook his head, "Patience, my boy. We'll get where we're going soon enough."

"Are we there yet?" Jimmy growled.

"Not quite," Lou reasoned.

"Well then you're wrong Teaspoon. It ain't soon enough."

"This is going to be a long trip," Cody noted, and the rest of them smiled.

Lou rolled her eyes, then lay her forehead against the glass, watching the miles roll by. Her eyelids grew heavy and soon, she was fast asleep.

* * *

Jimmy's mood worsened as the days went by. He was like a caged animal, and any time the train stopped he was the first to bolt out the door and the last to board the vehicle when the conductor called them back. No matter how long they were at the station, even if it was an overnight stay, he never left his feet, and walked nonstop to release his energy.

"You know, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were pining for that horse of yours," Cody laughed at him from where he had his boots propped on his suitcase as they waited to change trains.

Jimmy glared at Cody, "If it was between travelling with you and the horse, trust me, the horse would win. He smells better."

The others laughed at this, but Teaspoon eyed Jimmy worriedly. He was like a stick of dynamite lying close to a fire, and it wouldn't take much to ignite his short fuse and set him off. Hickok was not the kind of man to stay idle. He was too restless, too used to being alert every second. Teaspoon hoped that the boy would relax before he snapped.

His eyes shifted to Lou, who he also worried about. She was fast asleep on Buck's shoulder. The girl had spent more time sleeping than awake, and he could only hope that was a good sign. She ate well, but stayed tired. Her coloring was a bit pale, and he was concerned for her although she insisted she felt fine when he inquired.

"Damn it," Jimmy growled when the snarling locomotive pulled past the window of the station and squealed to a halt, causing Lou and Buck both to jump awake and look around groggily.

"All aboard," Cody said cheerfully, and gathered his belongings, rushing out the door to get in line to board the train.

Jimmy glared at the train as if it were a hated foe, and hung back, watching to be sure Lou, Teaspoon, and Buck got on with no trouble. He stretched his arms high and shook his legs, looking down the platform. The train stretched on forever. They'd be on it for three days before stopping to change again.

His eyes narrowed as a movement far down the platform caught his eye. Several armed guards were loading something into the back of the train, then stepping into the car with it. Everything was done very quickly to draw as little attention as possible, but Jimmy's sharp eyes didn't miss much.

"Last call! Son, if you are coming, you'd better run!"

The conductor called, and Jimmy jumped in surprise to see the train was rolling forward, and picking up speed quickly.

"Jimmy, what are you doing?" Buck yelled to him from beside the conductor, hanging out of the side door, "Come on!"

Jimmy started at a run with his bag, not knowing what he'd do if he missed the train. It felt good to move quickly and feel his blood run with excitement as he stretched his legs. Buck yelled for him and extended his hand, taking first Jimmy's bag, then his hand to help pull him on board.

"I know how disappointed you'd be to miss the train," Buck said in response to Jimmy's thanks, and led him back to the private compartment Teaspoon had secured for them.

It was nicer than the cramped seats on the previous trains, and Teaspoon looked at Jimmy with raised eyebrows, "Figured I'd better get us the next size compartment or your Cabin Fever would develop into full blown insanity."

Ignoring him, Jimmy lowered his voice, which was absurd given their private compartment, and leaned forward, "This train is carrying something _big_ …gold or something maybe…there are several armed guards in the back!"

"Look at that, visions of adventure dancing in his head," Buck rolled his eyes.

"So what? There's no telling what it is. They send stuff by train all the time to the capitol, gold, ammunition, cannons. Some of the stuff is brought in through California and shipped across the land to avoid the Confederate ships."

"Well, all I'm saying is that when you load that many guns to guard a few crates, it probably means you are worried about something, or someone."

Lou groaned and rolled her eyes too, "Please, Jimmy, let's not be dramatic. Everyone's fighting the war. There is no one to be worried about."

Jimmy, seeing that the sentiment of excitement and apprehension was his alone, grew quiet, but twisted in his seat to try and see the back of the train out the window.

Teaspoon gave them all a look that suggested they let Jimmy brood over the danger if that kept him quiet and still.

* * *

"Come on, Jimmy, you might even enjoy it," Lou smiled over her shoulder as she led the tortured looking man through the narrow halls of the passenger cars and toward the front of the train.

Jimmy sighed and gave Lou a toothy grin, attempting to be a good sport. She giggled at him and turned back around to follow Buck through the train. Once her back was turned Jimmy sighed again. Teaspoon had insisted they go dine with the other guests in the dining car.

He'd even made them dress nicely. Lou looked beautiful in one of the dresses her neighbor's daughter had given her. It was dark blue satin, and cut low to reveal her attractive, and now, fuller, figure. Jimmy had to make a concentrated effort not to let his eyes linger on the neckline of her dress, had caught Cody facing the same struggle.

The dining car was set up beautifully, with twinkling crystal and candlelight that Jimmy wasn't altogether confident about on the swaying train. He eyed the lace tablecloths fearfully, but kept his mouth shut as they were seated by a window.

After the waiter took their orders, Cody's face absolutely beamed, "One day, I'm going to live like this all the time!"

"Except you'll be riding in the cargo cars," Jimmy agreed politely.

They broke into laughter, and Jimmy actually relaxed enough to enjoy his own joke. Lou smiled and picked up her crystal water glass, studying how the candlelight filtered through it. It reminded her of something…she smiled slightly as she remembered. Davenport, the night Kid had almost proposed to her, but had been stopped by the shoot out in town. That night had been so perfect up till that point. Lou closed her eyes and tilted her head back, almost feeling the whisper of the spring wind on her cheeks as she and Kid walked along arm in arm.

Suddenly, her eyes opened and clouded with sadness. If only Kid were safely with them now, she thought, if only she could finally know he was alive and well.

Teaspoon and Jimmy both noticed the far away and troubled look that crossed her face after her secret smile, and knew where her thoughts had gone. They glanced at each other, but there was nothing for either of them to say to make her feel any better.

Dinner came, and again Cody was tickled with the fancy food. The rest of them all picked at it, unsure of what exactly they were about to eat.

After the meal Lou was quiet, listening to the quiet hum of the conversation around the car, and feeling her eyes grow sleepy in the dim light.

"You ready for me to walk you back to our compartment, Lou?" Teaspoon smiled.

Lou hid a yawn, "I guess you better or you'll have to carry me back."

They started to stand up slowly when the train heaved and jolted, sending plates, candles, and people flying. Lou stumbled directly into Jimmy's chest.

Lou could remember looking up into his eyes in confusion, and finding his equally troubled eyes staring back at her. A split second later, the train leaned sharply to the left, sending them both stumbling in the opposite direction.

Suddenly, the horrible sound of twisting steel and squealing brakes filled the air, intermingling with the terrified screams of the passengers.

"We're derailing," Lou said quietly and with amazing clarity of what was happening as she and Jimmy both started to fall.

Jimmy could do nothing but try to wrap himself around Lou and absorb the impact with his own body as they tumbled helplessly for what seemed like forever.

Lou was aware of Jimmy's arms locked tightly around her the entire time they fell helplessly and she heard him groan in pain when they finally came to a sudden, violent halt. Then, as suddenly as there had been chaos, there was total, eerie silence.

Lou winced and felt warm blood on her temple, but wasn't sure if it was from her or Jimmy. She blinked and tried to make her dizzy vision focus, twisting her neck to free her face of Jimmy's hair and looking around.

The car was upside down and caved in on one side. The candles had caused a few fires, but they were burning low and no danger. People lay sprawled everywhere, most of them slowly moving now, attempting to pick themselves up.

"Everyone okay?" Lou heard Teaspoon's breathless voice ask, but couldn't see the man from where she was pinned underneath Jimmy.

"Jimmy?" She suddenly whispered fearfully as she fully regained her senses, remembering his cry of pain. She attempted to roll him off of her to where he'd be more comfortable. She was met with another groan of pain.

"Just give me a second, and I'll move, Lou," Jimmy moaned, trying to still the spinning of his head, "Just a second…"

"Are you hurt? What hurts?" Lou asked in a panic, realizing that except for a few small bumps and scrapes she was fine. He, on the other hand, had taken the brunt of the impact, and the blood covering her head came from a gaping wound in his forehead.

"Everything," Jimmy finally responded, and eased himself off of her and onto his back, bringing fingers up to gingerly trace the area that was throbbing on his forehead.

Cody, Buck, and Teaspoon, all sporting cuts and bumps on their faces, were soon leaning over Jimmy too.

"You alright, Jimmy?" Cody wondered, then looked at the others, "Wonder if he remembers who he is?"

Jimmy, hearing this, squinted up at Cody, "I know who I am. And I haven't forgotten you owe me two dollars still."

"Who was the third president of the United States?" Cody persisted, convinced his friend had suffered brain damage.

"Hell, Cody, I didn't know that before I bumped my head. Just help me up!" Jimmy growled, then glared at Teaspoon, "Yeah, this was a good idea, Teaspoon."

"Being derailed in our compartment would have been better somehow?" Buck pointed out.

"Least the seats are soft," Jimmy grumbled as he fought to pull himself to a sitting position and felt waves of dizziness wash over him.

"Lou, everything all right?" Jimmy suddenly asked with worry, his eyes searching for her, and trying to focus on her when he did find her general shape, "the baby?"

Lou felt tears prick her eyes, "thanks to you, I think so. Oh, Jimmy, you probably saved the baby!"

Jimmy smiled crookedly as Buck and Cody climbed unsteadily to their feet on the uneven surface of the car's ceiling and dragged Jimmy up by his arms.

Teaspoon and Lou stiffly climbed to their feet also.

"So what do we do now?" Buck wondered, looking around to make sure no one needed his assistance.

Teaspoon was about to answer that he didn't really have a backup plan when gunfire ripped through the night. A bullet struck the outside of the car and ricocheted off the side with a loud whine.

To have climbed up so slowly, the boys and Lou were quick to hit the floor again.

"Who the Hell is that?" Cody demanded.

"The same people that caused the train to derail, I have a feeling," Jimmy suddenly said, "And the same people who want whatever is in the back of this train."

"Well, let's just hope they get it and go away!" Buck said softly, "Or you may get more adventure than you planned on Jimmy."

Lou saw booted feet appear outside the broken window of the dining car.

"I don't think it's going to be that simple," she said softly, as they all pressed themselves flat against the car, and waited for the worst.


	11. Chapter 10: Falling Down

Chapter 10: Falling Down

"What do we do?" Cody whispered as the booted feet milled outside of the window.

"We don't do anything. Just lay here, pretend you're unconscious," Teaspoon whispered.

"I don't really think that's going to work," Jimmy hissed.

"You got to have faith, son," Teaspoon said, but then laid his head down when he heard broken glass crunching and saw a booted foot step inside the train.

"Everybody up, or we'll start shooting," A gruff voice called out.

When the passengers hesitated, one of the men discharged his rifle into the side of the train. The roar was ear splitting, and everyone on the floor jumped, giving away any hope of playing dead.

With resignation, everyone climbed sorely to their feet, many people having to lean on others for support.

"Alright, that's more like it, now outside! And if anyone tries anything funny, it'll be a bullet in your brain!"

Lou moved closer to Cody and Teaspoon as the people began hurrying for the exit. Jimmy stumbled along beside Buck, half-supported by his friend.

Outside, the bruised passengers were forced to stand in a line, and keep their mouths closed. Lou found herself in between Jimmy and Teaspoon.

Her heart was in her throat as she glanced up at them constantly for reassurance. Did they mean to execute them all as a firing squad?

"Okay, listen and listen good, and you might live to remember never to travel by train again." The leader of the group said when most of the passengers on the train lined up behind the people from the dining car.

Lou studied the bandits closely and thought they were more deserters, although a larger group of them, because of their raggedy gray uniforms.

"Any second now, those fools in the armed car are going to come out blazing their guns. We're gonna kill them and get those guns and ammunition where it belongs…to Robert E. Lee. If you cooperate, we'll leave you be! And then you can tell your grandkids that you were held up by Brewer's Raiders!"

Jimmy and Buck exchanged a look. Brewer's Raiders? They'd never heard of them, but apparently the name was supposed to command some fear. At least they were not, in fact, deserters. Bandits and misfits, yes, but they still aided their cause.

"Ain't never heard of Brewer's Raiders, Reb! Don't you mean Mosby's Raiders?" Someone in the crowd snickered.

The leader's face turned a furious red, "Another comment like that will get you killed!"

He then stroked his beard and looked over the crowd more closely. He motioned to one of his men and a torch was brought to him. He walked up and down the line, as if trying to make a careful decision. He finally spotted what he was looking for, and finding scarce among the predominantly male passengers…a beautiful young woman.

Lou raised her chin defiantly when the man stopped in front of her.

"I'll be requiring your assistance, ma'am," the man said in a thick accent, and bowed low.

"I'll be declining your request," Lou said evenly.

The man chuckled and raised his eyebrow, but his grip brooked no argument as he reached out his gloved hand and grabbed her under the arm. Cody, Buck, Jimmy, and Teaspoon instantly leapt forward, only to have rifles shoved under their noses.

"You don't need her!" Jimmy growled, "There's more of you than them! Just take your guns and leave us!"

"And you think you are giving orders now, boy?"

The man asked, his voice making it quite clear that it wasn't so, "We're going to borrow her just for a minute. Just as insurance that none of my men get hurt. Don't worry, son. Yankees aren't even cruel enough to shoot a pretty little thing like her, are they?"

"Take me," Teaspoon urged them.

"Sorry, grandpa, but I don't think the Yanks would hesitate too long to shoot an old codger like you."

"Come on, darlin'," The man said to Lou, and his grip was gentle, but firm as he pulled Lou away from the boys.

"Wait!" Cody started, trying desperately to think of some way to stop them.

"Cody, it'll be all right," Lou said quietly, not wanting anyone to get hurt. She turned up to the man holding her arm, "Do I have your word that you won't hurt me?"

The man looked a little awed at her composure at the prospect of becoming a hostage. He nodded, "On my honor ma'am. We just want the guns."

"Seems like you could have picked a less harmful way of getting them than to send us tumbling down a hillside in a train," Lou pointed out, but didn't resist as the leader, who she took to be Brewer himself, escorted her away.

"Damn it," Jimmy swore softly, bristling behind the guard set there to watch them, "why her?"

"She'll be all right," Buck said, in an effort to convince not only the others, but himself.

Lou walked at Brewer's side, her mouth in a straight line. She wasn't even exceptionally angry at the man, which surprised her considering she'd given Buck a tongue lading for offering to help her with her horse. They topped the embankment the train had rolled down, and Lou was surprised to see the back half of the train still on the tracks.

She hesitated as she saw people peering out of their compartments in fear, and prayed no one would be a hero and take a shot at the men, and mistakenly hit her instead. They reached the back of the long train, and Brewer called out, "Okay, Yanks, we know you are in there, and we know there are more of us! We've got a little lady out here who we'll kill if you try anything funny."

Lou glared at Brewer, "You gave your word, remember," she reminded him.

"Been known to lie," the man grinned, "but don't worry. I'll do everything I can to make sure you live…as long as the yanks cooperate."

"Listen, I'm expecting a child," Lou began softly, hoping for sympathy.

"What a coincidence. So is my wife, but this is war business, and more important than any baby."

The anger she didn't feel before came rushing into Lou and she snapped, "Pardon me if I disagree with you on that."

Brewer spared her an annoyed glance, and continued to demand that the yanks come out, but nothing happened.

Finally, he motioned to a few of his men, "Go open it up."

They obeyed him, and Lou cringed as the doors were thrown open, expecting a barrage of gunfire.

There was no need to worry, because the car was devoid of not only men, but of guns.

"Where are they?" Brewer screamed.

"Maybe this is the wrong train," Lou suggested sarcastically.

Brewer gave her a mighty shake, "Shut up!"

Suddenly, he flung himself around at a noise, only to see the top of the hill lined with men holding guns trained on them. Not only soldiers held the guns he'd been trying to steal, but passengers as well. Cursing, he realized his mistake too late. The yanks had crept out of the car the moment the train stopped. It had taken Brewer some time to get down to the site of the wreckage from where he'd watched the train hit the barricade his men constructed. He only left a few men with the passengers when he discovered the rifles were at the back of the train, and in the meantime the yanks had made it to the dining car and subdued his men easily. The soldiers then increased their number with passengers.

"Give it up, Brewer," A blue coated man demanded, "You're outgunned!"

"In more ways than one," Lou observed, surprised by the calm that had rolled over her.

That false security at seeing her captors so completely outnumbered was ripped from her. Lou shrieked in surprise and fear as Brewer suddenly jerked her in front of his body and pressed his revolver into her throat, "Nobody make a move, or I'll kill her!"

Both the soldiers and the passengers lowered their weapons slightly.

"Let her go, you have no way out!" the Yankee yelled back.

"I'll let her go as soon as I get to my horses and get out of here!" Brewer assured him.

"Please, let them go!" Jimmy said worriedly, his eyes on Lou and his gun trained on Brewer's forehead, "He'll kill her if you don't."

"Son, you don't realize who those men are! They've been causing a lot of trouble with shipments going to Washington," one of the blue coats told him.

"Just promise you won't put the girl's life in danger," Teaspoon said quietly.

"We'll do everything we can," The Union soldier assured him.

"That's not good enough," Cody pointed out.

"There ain't one of us that's gonna help you until that girl's safe," one of the passengers insisted.

The soldier sighed, "All right, but if we let them go, they'll probably be back in a bigger number."

"We'll worry about that then," yet another passenger replied.

Meanwhile, Brewer had been backing up rapidly, still holding Lou in front of him. When he was at a safe distance from any bullets, he yelled at his men to run for their horses and gave Lou a mighty shove before turning and high-tailing it for a wooded area.

Lou felt the breath leave her body at the unexpected fall, and she cried out as she rolled down a small hill and came to sudden stop at the bottom. Unspeakable horror filled her when she felt a slight pain in her abdomen. Tears choked her and she cradled her stomach with both hands, as if she could stop anything bad from happening that way.

"Lou looks hurt," Jimmy yelled as the line of men surged forward to pursue the raiders.

Jimmy was at the front of all of them, his head pounding with every step, but he, Cody, Buck, and Teaspoon all stopped at Lou's side while the others pressed on.

"Lou, sweetheart, you all right?" Teaspoon wondered, brushing her hair back and alarmed at the tears on her face, "It's over, honey, he's gone. You're okay."

Lou, still terrified over the slight pain in her abdomen, didn't sound quite herself when she whispered, "Find a doctor. I think it's the baby."

"Oh no," Jimmy breathed, and stood up on the grassy bank and yelled at the train, "I need a doctor!" She had never heard his voice sound more panicked.

"Come on, Lou, let's get you inside," Cody said softly, and he leaned down to pick Lou up gently. She cried out in fear and pain, and sobbed into Cody's neck.

"Is there a doctor on this train?" Jimmy's edgy voice called up to the people remaining on the back half of the train, "There's a hurt woman here!"

Jimmy continued to jog alongside the train, desperately seeking a doctor, while Cody carried Lou inside the train and quickly made it to their compartment.

"Easy there, Lou," Cody murmured to her as he laid her on the long upholstered seat, "Jimmy's gone to get help."

Lou turned her face into the soft velvet and cried.

A few minutes later, Jimmy, covered in a light sweat, appeared. He motioned Cody, Buck, and

Teaspoon outside, "I couldn't find a doctor. Most of the men on the train are out chasing down Brewer's men."

Jimmy suddenly took several steps sideways and reached for the wall to keep himself from falling. Teaspoon was instantly at his side, supporting the boy, and looking at the gash on his head.

"Lou's not the only one who needs a doctor. Jimmy, go inside and stay with Lou. We'll go after the men and see if we can find a doctor. Or at least a woman who can help."

Jimmy nodded, wanting desperately to help find the doctor, but knowing that he would probably pass out from dizziness if he ran any further. Using Teaspoon and the wall, he made it back into the small room where Lou gasped and looked up hopefully to find someone coming through the door.

"Lou, honey, we're gonna go look for a doctor. Jimmy is going to stay with you, okay?"

"Please, hurry!" Lou begged and closed her eyes as Teaspoon came to kiss her cheek gently and assure her they'd get her help.

Jimmy went to the water basin and wet a cloth, coming to sit beside Lou as she lay on the seat. He gently brought the cloth over her sweating forehead.

"Lou, I'm sure the baby is going to be just fine," he attempted to soothe her.

She was white as a ghost and looked as haunting. "Jimmy, I'm bleedin.'" Lou shook her head, tears falling rapidly down her face. "I should have stayed at home. I knew it! I can't go through this again!"

Jimmy instantly straightened and his eyes bore into hers, as she continued to speak, unaware of what she'd said.

"What do you mean, 'again', Lou?" Jimmy asked in confusion.

Her eyes attained the look of a trapped animal, "I didn't say that..." she began, but he shook his head ever so slightly to let her know it wasn't going to be that easy. The fear that gripped her now convinced her to utter the next words, "I was pregnant before, Jimmy, and I lost the baby."

Jimmy's face twisted as he clenched the cloth he held mercilessly in his fist. Miserable, her eyes searched his.

"When?" He finally asked.

"When Kid and I were in Virginia. I was running around, working at the hospital, tending to the animals. I guess I wasn't careful enough that time either. Because one morning, I just fell down in the grass outside my house, and…"

"Lou, you don't have to talk about it anymore," Jimmy whispered, grabbing her hand when her voice grew shaky.

Lou went on as if she hadn't heard him, as if she were trapped in the memory, "there was so much blood. I can remember how bright it all was, soaking through my skirts. I was alone for about an hour, there in the grass. Our neighbor found me, and got me inside, but it was too late to save the baby. I nearly died. I wanted to die."

"Rachel never told me that," Jimmy said quietly, as if to defend himself.

"Rachel never knew. No one in the world but my neighbor did. Kid didn't even know. He never got the letter I wrote him telling him about the baby, and by the time I was ready to write him another, it was all over. But I'm so glad he didn't know! It would have devastated him. He lost his whole company not long after, and I didn't want to burden him." Suddenly she blushed, cheeks hot with shame and slow tears slid down them. "Jimmy, I never even went to see the grave where they buried him...the baby. I couldn't."

"Lou, you should never have had to go through that alone," Jimmy said, his voice not steady, his face pained. "And I don't know exactly what I believe about what happens after we die, but I do know I believe that baby isn't in the ground no more. He's in your heart or in heaven, Lou, but he ain't alone there in the ground." Jimmy broke off, his voice too thick to continue for a moment, and he knew most of his grief was for Lou, and Kid, but some was his own. He'd had a nephew he'd never gotten to know. They sat quietly for a minute until Jimmy was able to continue. "But, Lou, I think Kid would have wanted to know. Hell, Lou, I wish you'd told me, even if you couldn't tell Kid."

"You weren't responding to my letters, Jimmy, it hardly would have been fair for me to drop that burden on you," Lou saw the guilt on his face, and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Oh, Jimmy, I couldn't have told you anyway. I couldn't tell anyone. It was too painful. The doctor said I'd never have children again, and part of me was relieved, even though it grieved me something terrible to know I'd never be a Mama."

"No wonder you acted so scared that day I told you you were expecting."

"I was terrified. I knew then, just like I know now, I'm not strong enough to stand it again. I can't do it. And if I lose this baby, and Kid too, I will never, ever be able to go on," Lou suddenly lost the control she'd maintained and burst into sobs, reaching out to Jimmy, "I can't lose this baby, Jimmy!"

Jimmy wrapped Lou in a tight embrace, and cradled her head as if she were a child, "You won't, Lou, I won't let you!"

"And neither will I," a new voice suddenly announced, and both Jimmy and Lou jumped and turned to find a middle-aged man with thin gray hair and a bushy mustache standing in the doorway.

"I'm Dr. Witherspoon," he announced, and progressed into the room, "Mr. and Mrs.?"

"Oh, we're not married," Jimmy began, and at the doctor's surprised look to have found them so intimately intertwined, he explained hastily, "Her husband is in Maryland. I'm a friend of hers, theirs…both of them," Jimmy paused and cleared his throat awkwardly, well aware of the fact he'd gone red as a tomato. "This is Louise. I'm James."

"All right, young lady, let's see what's going on," Dr. Witherspoon smiled gently at the girl, and eyed Jimmy with some reservation, "Sir, if you could leave us a minute…"

"No, please, I want someone here, in case something…" Lou swallowed hard, reaching out to grab Jimmy's shirt, "in case something goes wrong."

"I ain't leaving her right now," Jimmy insisted.

The doctor raised an eyebrow, but nodded, "All right. You can sit up there with her, just give me room."

Jimmy sat with his back to the doctor as he began gently pressing on Lou's abdomen, and faced Lou. She winced slightly as the doctor examined her, and Jimmy lay one hand on her cheek, and held her icy hand with the other. The doctor quietly went about his examination, and finally came to stand over Lou.

Her eyes were fearful, and Jimmy squeezed her hand hard, ready to deal with the worst possible news.

"Louise, you are very lucky. So far, there is no sign of a miscarriage, and the baby seems fine. However, there were a few spots of blood, and that is not something to take lightly at any stage of pregnancy, but especially not with how far along you are. I think the worst of the danger is past you, but I want you lying down right here, and carried anywhere else you might have to go, for at least four days. I don't want you on your feet for longer than five minutes a day. They will be sending out a locomotive to tow the rest of the train in, but it won't be here for two days. I want you right here resting, and I'll come by to check on you often. I mean it! No moving around!"

Lou didn't protest at all, and tears of relief filled her eyes as she squeezed his hand, "Oh, thank you sir!"

"I didn't do anything, ma'am. But I tell you one thing. Although that fall down the hill was dangerous, the train rolling was much, much more dangerous. I've already been told by your other companions that this young man is responsible for making sure you weren't hurt during that fall. I think he's the one you should be thanking! Which reminds, me, young man, you need some stitches in that wound. Come across the way, and I'll sew you up. This young lady needs her rest. At the first sign of discomfort, you send one of these men to my car, day or night."

Lou nodded her thanks, and as soon as the doctor and Jimmy left the room, and Teaspoon poked his head in to be sure she was comfortable, Lou cradled her stomach protectively and sobbed her heart out with relief, offering thanks to God.

Outside the small room, Dr. Witherspoon turned to Jimmy, Teaspoon, Buck, and Cody, with a worried look in his eyes.

"I didn't let on, but I'm still concerned about the baby, and the mother. I meant it when I said I didn't want her on her feet at all. But it seems like in these cases there isn't much you can do one way or the other. Nature takes its course. But keep her calm and still. And something else, though I hesitate to burden you with worry, it may be worth mentioning," he admitted.

"What's that?" Teaspoon wondered with concern.

"Well, if she does carry the baby to full term, I'm concerned about the delivery. She is very, very small-boned, especially through her hips and her pelvis, and I'm not sure how she'll fare with the labor."

"Are you saying that Lou's life could be endangered if she has this child?" Cody asked with a wrinkled brow.

"Maybe son. Women are amazingly strong, but quite frankly Louise just isn't built for giving birth. It's just something to be aware of, to warn her husband of. I'd suggest you make sure there is a doctor in the vicinity when she goes into labor."

They all nodded slowly, worried sick by the grim news.

* * *

The few warm days that the prisoners had enjoyed at Point Lookout were obviously only a mild preview of a spring that was still far away. In two days the temperature dropped forty degrees, and heavy clouds rolled in, blanketing the area with snow. Kid, who had fought his cough all winter, took a chill, and grew very ill, and too weak to fend for himself in the breadlines.

Had he not been lucky enough to have run into Marty and Barney, he would have been one of the unfortunate souls they hauled out of the camp on stretchers every day. Kid shuddered whenever he thought of the rows upon rows of coffins lining the entrance to the prison. They were just waiting for the next day's dead, and a foreshadowing of what was to come for prisoners marching past those coffins on their way into the prison.

Kid felt that he might as well be dead, especially after news that the Union refused to trade any more prisoners. Even officers were declined exchange, and the news was heavy. For however long the war lasted, he would be stuck in this yard of milling humanity. He eagerly strained his ears for his name when guards occasionally brought letters into the yard, but his name was never called.

Tonight he was lying cold and miserable against the back wall of the tent. Marty was close at his side, busily trying to patch his sock together. Barney was fast asleep with his arms resting behind his head.

Slowly, with trembling hands, Kid reached into his pocket and brought out the filthy piece of paper that Lou had written him so long ago. His eyes crossed over it four or five times, and again he felt the devastation he always felt when he thought of Lou, all alone, losing the child he'd never known.

Marty eyed his friend worriedly, but said nothing. He seemed to read the letter more often as he grew weaker.

"Hey, Reb, what you always reading that for? Ain't it about time it got put to some real use?"

Kid looked up with daggers in his eyes to see a guard. A closer look quickly told him it was the guard he'd attacked a few weeks ago. Although Barney and Marty insisted he not go back over to the side of the yard where the guard usually patrolled, it seemed that he'd decided to seek Kid out.

"It's none of your damn business," Kid growled, starting to tuck the letter safely in his pocket.

"Give it to me," the guard demanded.

"No," Kid said flatly.

"Leave him alone!" Marty growled standing up,

"Don't you have something better to do besides harass us?"

"Stay out of it, Reb," the guard warned Marty, and suddenly delivered a hard kick to Kid's side. Kid gasped and quickly broke into his ragged cough.

While Kid wheezed, trying to get his breath back, the guard quickly reached down to wrestle the letter from him.

Kid was suddenly fighting to get his feet under him, although Marty, and now Barney, who'd awakened during the struggle, tried to convince him to stay down and let it go.

"Aw, isn't this sweet?" The guard began, skimming the letter, "Reb's gonna have a little reb baby. Of course, I hear yanks is marching through that part of the country, so they'll probably bash its brains against the wall. Probably kill your wife too, after they have some fun with her."

Kid rushed at the man with all the strength and fury he had. Unfortunately, his fury far exceeded his strength and the guard hit him hard before Kid touched him, sending him sprawling back to the dirty ground, in between Marty and Barney who helped him sit back up.

Kid wiped at his bloody nose with the back of his hand, and watched as the guard deliberately brought the paper to his face, and used it to blow his nose. He then tossed the precious letter into the tiny fire in the center of the tent and began striding out of the tent, chuckling to himself. Kid crawled to the fire and attempted to save the letter from the flames, but his efforts only resulted in burns on his hands.

A growl from the bottom of Kid's furious soul rumbled in his throat as he again pushed himself up, and began half running, half stumbling after the guard.

"Wait Kid!" Marty demanded as he and his father scrambled up to go after him.

Kid's breath rasped in his throat as he caught up with the man and he threw himself on the back of the guard, securing a choke hold across the man's neck. The guard spun around and attempted to hit Kid with his stick. The blows fell on unfeeling limbs as Kid tightened his hold.

The guard finally got Kid off his back by smashing him against the high wood wall of the yard. Kid was on his feet again almost instantly, charging him again.

The other prisoners, who'd at one time or another all suffered abuse at the hand of a guard suddenly rushed forward in a frenzy, reaching for the man with bloodthirsty hands. Kid was pushed forward by the mob, and found himself looking into the eyes of the guard as the men began the process of beating him to death.

Kid's cries to stop were lost in the barbaric screams of the prisoners. The guard's dark brown eyes bore into Kid's, even as frothy blood and spittle spotted his lips.

Kid screamed at the sheer horror of watching a man torn to bits in front of him.

"Kid! Let's get out of here!" Barney was suddenly at his side, taking a firm hold of his arm and trying to fight his way back through the crowds.

Kid followed blindly, pushing just as hard as Barney in his need to flee the scene.

And then, as was expected, a gunshot roared from the parapets, stopping the mob in its tracks.

Kid screamed as blood suddenly splashed into his eyes, and for what seemed like forever, he found himself falling.


	12. Chapter 11: Complications

Chapter 11: Complications

"Lou, we're here," a gentle voice prodded from somewhere in front of Lou's closed eyelids.

Slowly she opened them to find Buck's dark eyes boring into hers. He smiled at her when she squinted up at him.

"Huh?" She mumbled in confusion.

"We're here, in Washington. It's time to get off the train," Buck smiled again, finding her groggy disorientation amusing.

Jimmy stuck his head in the door, "Well, if it isn't the sleeping princess."

Lou groaned and attempted to pat her hair down, "More like Rip Van Winkle. I feel like I've been asleep for twenty years."

"Close. You've been out over thirteen hours," Buck informed her.

Lou shook her head. She'd been exhausted for the last week and a half. Since the incident with Brewer's Raiders, she'd scarcely stood on her own.

Even if she'd wanted to, the boys wouldn't have permitted it. They'd treated her like she was made of glass, especially those three days they'd waited for the locomotive to come and pull what remained of the train to the next station. Brewer and his men had gotten away on their horses, but the guns had been saved and they hadn't seen the bandits again.

The rest of the journey had been uneventful, and Lou had been happy to rest for the last week. There had been no more blood or pain, and Lou's terror had abated and gradually, the boys and Teaspoon also began to look less terrified around her.

"How are you feeling, Louise?" Dr. Witherspoon asked as he invited himself into their tiny compartment and set his bag down on the cushion beside Jimmy.

"Much, much better. I can't thank you enough for all your care these last days!" Lou smiled, holding her hand out to the older man, "You must let us repay you somehow."

"Nonsense, my dear. It was a pleasure to be in your company. You just take care of yourself and deliver a healthy child, and I'll consider that payment enough," Witherspoon smiled, squeezing her hand. With a sigh, he placed his hat on his head and then leaned down to kiss her cheek lightly, "You mind yourself out there."

"Yes sir," Lou smiled, and felt unexpected tears prick her eyes as he walked out of the room after shaking Jimmy and Buck's hands.

"You won't believe this!" Cody suddenly burst into the room and yanked open the shade on the window. Lou squinted as bright light filled the car. Cody rushed on, "This city is unbelievable! Have you ever seen so many people in your life? And look at the buildings! You can see the Capitol from here!"

"Calm down, Cody, before you hurt yourself," Teaspoon sighed, also appearing in the car, "All right, gather your things boys and girl, it is time to get off this train."

"Thank God for that!" Jimmy said, and stood up, stretching his arms above his head and hitting the top of the train before grabbing his and Lou's bags.

Within minutes they were out of the car and on the platform. Lou looked down at her borrowed dress and felt a bit intimidated by all the well-dressed women everywhere. Alana's light gray gown was just as pretty as any of the others, but it was also older than the designs Lou envied now, which looked to be fresh from Paris. Men, both in suits and uniforms rushed by them, one of them almost knocking Teaspoon down without even pausing to apologize. Lou suddenly felt very small.

"Welcome to the big city," Teaspoon grumbled, sending an irritated look in the man's direction, "Come on, let me get us a carriage to get us to a hotel."

Cody, Buck, Lou, and even Jimmy were amazed by the sights and sounds during the short ride through the cobblestone streets of the city.

Teaspoon smiled slightly at their wide eyes and exclamations. Their ride took them directly by the White House, and this was a cause of almost delirious excitement for Cody.

"I wonder if President Lincoln is in there right now?" Cody breathed.

"I bet he is! I bet he's having his morning coffee!" Lou chimed in, her fingers curling over the side of the coach. She was excited, despite herself, "and I bet all sorts of important men are just waiting outside the door to get his approval for all kinds of important things."

"War things!" Cody exclaimed, "Like what is Grant going to do in Mississippi, or where Robert E. Lee is right now!"

The hotel was grander than any place the young men and woman had ever stayed, and they met it with equally wide eyes. The marble floors were covered with thick Persian rugs, and fifteen-foot French windows were framed by silk tapestries. Men, dressed in sharp burgundy and gold trimmed livery, came to snatch their bags from their weary arms the moment they stepped in the door. The rooms too, were decorated in the finest carpets and bedspreads, the walls papered in pale silk.

Once alone in her room, which was between the one Teaspoon and Buck shared and Jimmy and Cody's room, Lou stood by her window and stared forlornly out across the manicured lawn and garden.

It was so easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of the big city, but still impossible to forget why they'd traveled so many long, treacherous days to get there. Lou was anxious to see Kid with her own eyes, and knowing she was so close to him and that it could still be a few days or even a week before she saw him was torture.

Lou was instructed to rest while Teaspoon and the boys made some inquiries about Point Lookout and looked into buying a horse and wagon to get there. All thoughts of riding on horseback had been forgotten after Lou's scare with the baby, and though it would take longer, Lou knew it was wise.

Lou spent most of the day napping or soaking in a large tub of steaming water, with her eyes closed and her forehead wrinkled with bittersweet recollections.

The primary image in her head was the one of Kid standing in her kitchen barefoot, looking scared out of his mind when she'd burst in with her gun aimed at him. She then thought of later that night when she'd drawn the sponge with warm soapy water across her husband's muscular back, and how he'd suddenly stood up, soapsuds and all, and swept her into his arms.

Lou wished with all her heart to open her eyes and find herself there, warm and safe in his embrace, looking into his intensely burning blue eyes under his damp, curling hair. When she opened her eyes she was met with only the fine oil paintings on the light blue walls of her room. Miserably, she leaned her head against the tub and cried.

Later that night, a much more composed Lou opened her door and smiled at Jimmy and Cody, who were dressed nicely in their suits. Teaspoon had decided it would be good for all of them to enjoy a night in Washington after the long, cramped days on the train.

"Don't you look like a picture!" Teaspoon exclaimed at Lou when she appeared in his room.

The boys agreed. She wore a deep blue-green satin gown that came high behind her neck, then the neckline flared out into what almost looked to be a heart, ending low and causing Jimmy's ears to feel hot. She'd pulled her hair up which served to show off her graceful neck and collarbone even more.

"A picture of a woman about to burst out of the seams of her dress," Lou murmured, her hand unconsciously touching her abdomen, where the material felt a bit tight. The full skirts easily concealed the roundness, but Lou still felt self-conscious, "I shouldn't even be out in public. It's not proper."

"Don't be ridiculous, Louise. First of all, you've never been more beautiful and there's no reason why you should hide yourself from anyone. Secondly, no one will be able to tell," Teaspoon grumbled, then muttered more to himself than anyone, "Never understood why folks insisted on stashing expecting women away. It's just a natural part of life, not like she's got small pox."

Lou enjoyed the night out very much in spite of herself. It was wonderful to stroll along the walk in Washington, and to be among busy, energetic people. There were men in uniforms everywhere, but the atmosphere was light in the city. It almost felt as if there was no war at times. When Jimmy walked her back to her door while the others stayed in the hotel bar for a late night drink, Lou found herself smiling.

"Well, we've almost made it," Jimmy smiled as he opened her door for her and walked into the room behind her, making sure no one was in there waiting on her, a result of their dangerous express days, "In a few days, we'll see Kid."

Lou lit the oil lanterns and kicked her shoes off, "We've come so far! Oh, Jimmy, I can hardly stand it to be so close to him, and know we're right here, and yet he doesn't know it! He doesn't know why I haven't been able to write him! I hope he's alright!"

"He will be Lou. I know that much about Kid. He could survive anything, knowing that it meant being able to come home to you," Jimmy blushed suddenly at the earnestness in his voice, "Well, I guess I should be going. You need your sleep."

"I think I've had enough sleep to last me my lifetime!" Lou smiled, stifling a yawn, and sensing something was wrong with Jimmy. She walked to stand in front of him and studied him closely.

"Jimmy, are you alright?" Lou finally wondered.

Jimmy looked at her in surprise, giving himself away by doing so. He started to tell her that nothing was wrong, but her eyes were holding his with a certainty that would not be denied.

"Lou," Jimmy began awkwardly, stumbling over several attempts to say what he was thinking, and finally coming out with, "You remember the night in the bunkhouse when Kid told us he was fighting for the South?"

A small, wry smile played on Lou's mouth as she said, "Yes, I think I remember that."

Jimmy just shook his head at the stupidity of his question, then hesitated again.

Lou quickly took his hand and led him to the sofa by the window and sat on it with him, "What about that night?"

"Well, you have to remember that was the last time I saw Kid. And I said a lot of things I thought I meant at the time."

"About you both being enemies when you met again," Lou supplied.

Jimmy nodded, "Yeah. Lou, I'm so angry at him still for fighting for the South, and for dragging you down there, and then leaving you! And I'm so mad at him for getting caught," he suddenly growled, "but I never wanted him to get hurt, and I never hated him!"

Lou went to him and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his wide shoulder, "Oh, Jimmy, I know you love him! And I know he loves you! And that's all that matters, Jimmy. You can get past anything as long as you both realize that."

"Lou, I'm scared of seeing him again, of the look on his face. I don't know if he'll look at me as a friend or an enemy," Jimmy finally confessed the root of his terror, that he'd really convinced Kid they were enemies.

"Jimmy, you're his best friend, and even all this bloodshed hasn't been able to change that. Nothing will."

Jimmy held onto Lou tightly for another moment, thinking that if he ever admitted or acted on his feelings for Lou, that would certainly change Kid's idea of who his best friend was.

Finally, Jimmy gathered his coat to go, but before he closed Lou's door he commented, "Damn it, Lou. Things sure got complicated didn't they?"

She nodded wordlessly as he left, closing the door behind him.

* * *

Kid fought for consciousness, struggling to open his eyes and almost slipping back into darkness as he had so many times. The darkness was preferable to the light. Lou always danced before him in the darkness, smiling and laughing and stretching her graceful hands to him to join her. He never could reach her though, and it was exhausting to try and catch her.

"Kid?" the voice again sent Kid striving to open his eyes, "Kid!"

And finally he did open his eyes, allowing two streams of what seemed to be white hot light into his sensitive eyes.

Marty's dark brown eyes peered into his carefully when he finally forced them all the way open.

For a moment Kid lay there, his head aching and his vision blurring. Pain radiated through him, seeming to center in his chest and shoulder. Slowly he turned his head.

Nausea seized him when his eyes fell on the stump that had once been his right arm.

"No!" his shriek was piercing and it filled the whole tent and continued in several more screeches of terror.

"Kid! Kid!" Marty's voice was sharp and continued to try and quiet him, "Stop it! Kid, be quiet!"

Kid finally fell back against the dirt with his chest heaving and his eyes filled with tears. Sweat rolled down his face although it was frigid in the tent.

"Oh, God, when did they take it off?" Kid gasped, choking on a sob.

"What are you talking about Kid?" Marty asked, looking with concern at his friend and touching his forehead to see if his delirious fever was back.

"Goddamn it, they took my arm! What happened?"

"Kid, you are seeing things...or not seeing things. Your arm is right where you left it!"

"What?" Kid, clenched his teeth with dread and slowly turned his head again to see what he'd thought was a stump only moments ago. The pain was still there in his chest and shoulder, but so was his arm.

Kid drew a shaky breath of relief and felt himself start to tremble, "What happened?" he finally asked through chattering teeth, feeling the scratchy bandages on his chest, arm, and forehead.

"What do you remember?" Marty asked quietly.

Kid thought hard before saying, "There was a shot into the yard, and blood flew in my eyes. And then," Kid struggled to think of what had happened afterwards, but there was no recollection, "nothing. Darkness."

Marty nodded, and began the explanation, "The guards did fire into the crowd several times to try and break up the riot, but it was too late to save that guard. The first shot hit your bad shoulder, and," he paused and Kid tried to focus clearly on his face and saw tears in Marty's eyes, "the same shot hit my father fully in the back, and he was killed instantly."

"No," Kid whispered, feeling a world of grief and guilt rest on his chest, "If I hadn't started the riot he'd still be alive!"

Marty shook his head and wiped his tears, "You didn't kill him Kid, these bastards did. And don't you think otherwise. He was very fond of you, and I know that he'd be glad knowing you survived."

Again, Kid was baffled and astounded at his friend's outlook on life. Marty continued with his account, "You were hurt badly, and they took you to the infirmary, and I didn't see or hear from you for a week. They patched you up, and by the way, you are lucky they didn't take your arm off…someone on the inside must have spoken up for you because in all cases they'd rather amputate than operate. Then, they carried you back out here. Your wound was sewed up, but you started running a high fever, and were delirious for days. You'd break the fever and sleep, but then your fever would climb again."

"And you took care of me all this time," Kid finally said.

"Yeah. I couldn't stand to lose my father and my only friend in here," Marty's weary voice betrayed his slight smile.

Suddenly Kid's hand sought his neck, and he groped for his charm and wedding band. He wasn't shocked to find that both had been stolen from him.

He felt a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach at the lost of the scared symbol of his love for Lou and the gift from her, but took satisfaction in knowing that they were just that, symbols. The guards couldn't take away his love for her.

"Marty, I owe you my life," Kid said quietly, "and we're gonna get out of here together. And when we do, I'm giving you half of my property out in Sweetwater. Don't argue. Me and Lou are going to raise horses, and we could use a partner. It's good land."

Marty shook his head and laughed, "Time enough for that later. Besides, how is your wife gonna feel about me sleeping between you two at night?"

Kid was able to laugh slightly at this image, and shook his head. His mind then returned to what Marty has said earlier about the fact his arm had not been amputated. He realized Marty was right when he said someone on the inside must have spoken up for him and given the order not to amputate.

His eyes narrowed as he looked out the entrance of the tent and towards the guard's barracks and the infirmary.

 _Who in there was watching out for me_ , he wondered, narrowing his eyes, _who in there knows who I am_?

* * *

"We're close," Jimmy murmured, slapping the reins across the back of the old horse Teaspoon had found to pull the wagon. Cody sat up from where he'd been stretched out in the back and straightened his uniform absently, his eyes searching the terrain. Lou gripped the side of the wagon until her knuckles were white, and felt as if she would be ill.

"You alright, Lou? Do I need to stop again?" Jimmy wondered, placing a hand across her shoulder and looking at her clammy face.

Lou shook her head, feeling her cheeks burn with embarrassment as she thought of how she'd been forced to leap from the wagon earlier and be sick on the side of the road while they looked on helplessly and with pity. Her nerves were completely on edge and she didn't think she could stand to wait much longer to see Kid.

They'd been travelling with the wagon for two days, and had been stopped often by Union soldiers demanding traveling papers. Luckily Teaspoon had thought to secure some before he'd sent Jimmy, Cody, and Lou to Point Lookout.

Teaspoon and Buck had stayed in Washington after Teaspoon learned his old friend Tommy Urbach was stationed as an advisor to Mr. Lincoln himself. Teaspoon hoped Tommy would be able to help their situation with Kid, promised Lou he'd pull every string in his grasp.

"There it is," Cody said quietly, as they broke out of a wooded area and topped a small hill.

There was deathly silence among the three friends as they gazed over the vast prison, and let the horror of the place strike into their hearts.

"Oh," Lou gasped stupidly as the full impact of their view finally sunk in. Cody placed a steadying hand on her shoulder from behind her.

The land dropped and then flattened, seeming to be level with the gray waters of the Chesapeake Bay. The prison occupied a large area, and was a mass of dreary fences and stone walls. Even from their considerable distance they could see the thousands and thousands of men in tattered rags who milled about in the yards, almost like cattle before auction. They were weak and emaciated.

The ground was a mass of trenches, but they obviously did not serve their purpose guessing from the layer of slimy mud and water everywhere.

The sight wasn't as horrible as the smell. The wind shifted in their direction, and all three of them pulled back and turned their heads, as if they could avoid the stench of the thousands of unclean, ill men, the waste they produced, and the hundreds of bodies waiting to be buried.

Lou suddenly put her hand over her mouth, and took Jimmy's offered hand with the other, as he helped her to the ground. There, she ran a few steps, found herself violently sick in the shrubbery.

She stood there doubled over, even after the nausea had passed, and began sobbing violently as the full impact of the horror her husband had lived for over three months finally was driven home to her. She pressed her fists into her eyes as she tried to gain control of herself.

Jimmy was there then, putting an arm around her shoulders and offering her a sip of water. Her stomach still in revolt, she dared not take any.

"Come on, Lou," Cody finally urged her, "We'll get him away from here."

Jimmy nodded reassuringly, but when Lou bowed her head to wipe her eyes, Jimmy and Cody met gazes and asked each other the same question with their bewildered eyes, _How do we get him out?_


	13. Chapter 12: Ultimatum

Chapter 12: Ultimatums

Lou sat very close to Jimmy with her hands clenched nervously in her lap as they drove toward the prison. When they drove past the stockyards, haunted, hollowed eyes followed them.

Lou's eyes frantically skimmed the dirty faces, but there were far too many for her to have any real hope of spotting Kid. Soon they were past the enclosures and stopping in front of the infirmary and guard barracks.

"What do you want here?" A voice suddenly called from the door of the hospital and a guard with a rifle stepped out into the yard.

"To visit with a prisoner," Cody said, assuming charge and jumping down lightly from the wagon.

"There ain't no visitation allowed, Sir. That's the rules!"

"Well, there's going to be an exception this time," Cody said, hearing Lou's gasp of despair behind him. "Who do we need to talk to?"

"The warden, but he's not here today. Won't be back for a few days."

"Well, then you'll have to find someone else. Why don't you invite us in and bring in someone who can help us. It is quite cold, and there is a lady present," Cody instructed with his natural ability to persuade, and as if it never occurred to him that he might be refused, he reached a hand up to Lou, helping her to the ground and tucking her hand in his arm. He led Lou to the door like he owned the place. Met with such force of will, the guard looked about for aid, found none, and apparently decided he did not make enough money to deal with the man in front of him and let him in.

Bemused, Jimmy followed them quietly into the facility, a long room with beds to either side of a center aisle. They followed the guard down the long aisle, and Lou did her best not to recoil in horror from the sick men lying on the beds. She'd seen men near death while working at the hospital in Virginia, but never in her worst nightmare could she have pictured the men who lay on the beds now, their skin stretched drum tight against their faces and necks.

"Do you not find it necessary to feed your prisoners?" Jimmy growled from behind Lou.

"They eat as well as Northern prisoners down South eat. In fact, these men eat a lot better."

Lou felt the color slowly draining from her face as the guard left them in a tiny room with a table and a few rickety chairs. Once the door was closed she sat herself down at the table, not trusting her trembling knees any longer.

"Alright, Lou?" Jimmy asked her, pacing the room. Lou nodded wordlessly, lips tightly pressed together.

"Let me do the talking here," Cody warned them, "just go along with me."

The door suddenly opened and two guards entered and stood, watching them carefully.

"What, you think we're going to single-handedly set all the prisoners free?" Jimmy asked in amusement.

"We don't take chances here," one of the guards, a short, barrel-chested man with a thick brown mustache, informed him.

Lou looked at the one who had spoken, taking his measure. She was about to look away from the arrogant little man when something caught her attention. A flash of light around his neck drew her stare and her eyes narrowed.

The guard had on Kid's St. Christopher charm.

"Where did you get that?" Lou suddenly demanded, standing up, her voice climbing in panic.

"Get what?"

"That charm around your neck! That was my husband's! Where is he?"

"Don't know what you're talking about lady. My sweetheart back home gave me this," he smiled, nastily.

Lou stormed toward him and made a move to rip the necklace off him, knowing that Kid wouldn't have willingly given it up. The guard roughly shoved her backwards. Jimmy intercepted and steadied the stumbling Lou, then started rushing forward, his face turning bright red.

"Don't you touch her again!" Jimmy snarled, and the other guard started to assist his friend.

"Stop it!" Cody growled, seeing all semblance of order quickly disappearing.

"What is going on in here?" A new voice suddenly thundered.

Everyone stopped in their tracks at the authoritative voice and turned to study the arrival.

Lou's eyes narrowed as she studied the man, dressed sharply in blue. He was slim and tall, with black hair and startling green eyes. Lou had the oddest feeling she'd met him before, but couldn't figure out when or where.

"I asked a question, Private!" he demanded again, focusing his glare on the guard with Kid's charm.

"This lunatic woman attacked me for no reason."

"He has something that doesn't belong to him," Lou muttered, sure the Yankee would side with the private.

"And what's that?" the man asked with a sigh.

"The charm around his neck. I gave it to my husband. It's a St. Christopher. The words 'ride safe' are engraved on the back. I'd bet my life on it," Lou explained, again searching the familiar eyes of the tall Yankee Captain.

At that moment the Captain seemed to recognize her also, his eyes staying on her face and surprise registering there.

"The bitch is crazy!" The guard protested.

"Private! You are in the presence of a lady, and you will not refer to her as anything but ma'am!" the Captain reprimanded him sharply, then ordered, "let me see the charm."

"But it is mine! My sweetheart gave it to me!"

"Then you have nothing to worry about," the Captain reasoned.

The guard sullenly removed the charm and handed it to the Captain who quickly flipped it over and saw the words engraved on the back. Tears touched her eyes as her hand closed around the charm when he extended it to her.

"I'll deal with you later, Private. I've warned you about stealing from the prisoners! Both of you are excused." Piercing green eyes turned on Lou, Jimmy, and Cody, and after sharing a sharp salute with Cody, the Captain finally asked, "Now what is your business here?"

"We'd like to see Kid McCloud. He's a prisoner here, and we've traveled all the way from Rock Creek, Nebraska to see him. This is his wife, Mrs. Louise McCloud."

"I'm afraid that's not possible," the Captain shook his head, "we don't allow visitation."

Lou suddenly growled, slamming both palms on the table and pushing herself up from the chair she'd just eased into, "You _will_ let me see my husband! I've traveled around the country and back to arrive here, and if you think I'm going to quit before I see him, you are out of your mind!"

Jonathan Monroe expected nothing less from the spitfire in front of him. And it was that stormy, willful flash in her eyes and the stubborn set of her jaw that made the memory as clear as day. He could easily remember the day he'd marched with Captain Kent up her drive in Virginia. She'd had the same look in her eyes then, and the same fiercely protective and proud defiance still radiated from her. The hair at the back of Jonathan's neck stood on end, just as it had when he'd seen her for the first time.

Jonathan felt himself start to smile as she continued to glare at him. He should not have been surprised to see her here, after hearing her promise she would find her husband the day they took him. Although it had been months since he'd burned Kid McCloud's home, Jonathan hadn't forgotten the quiet, dignified man he'd guarded for a week before turning him over to the soldiers who would take him to Point Lookout.

Jonathan hadn't thought about him or his beautiful wife since then, even when he had been transferred to oversee Point Lookout after injuring his leg in a skirmish. He was still adjusting to his promotion to Captain and new duties at the prison when, a few weeks ago, Kid was brought in from the yard after a riot. The surgeon had been prepared to amputate Kid's arm when Jonathan walked by and recognized him, demanding he be well cared for.

And he'd demanded this care because of the beautiful woman he still remembered standing on her porch with her head high and eyes blazing. He did it because he knew this woman waited for her husband to return, and because he'd been a part in taking him from her. The memory of their heart wrenching parting stayed with him.

Only Jonathan had been mistaken. Louise McCloud didn't wait for her husband after all, she'd come after him.

"I guess we'd better go find your husband, then. You'll wait here?" Jonathan Monroe asked.

Completely baffled by his sudden change of heart, Lou closed her mouth, swallowing the next round of threats and protests she'd prepared to launch at him with difficulty.

"You know him? You are sure he is alive?" Lou breathed.

"You don't remember me do you?" Jonathan asked.

Lou again stared at him, but still couldn't grasp where she knew him from. Then, as if someone had whispered to her who he was, she gasped. "You burned my house down!"

"Nice to know I'm remembered," Jonathan said good-naturedly, then seeing the anxiousness on her expressive face, he smiled and said, "Though I don't consider it my finest day, ma'am. Yes, your husband is alive. I'll get someone to find him. You all may wait here. It may take awhile."

When Jonathan left the room, Jimmy and Cody let out triumphant yelps and wrapped Lou in hugs.

They still had no way to get Kid out, but they had confirmation that he was alive and at least they could see him. It was a start.

Lou forced herself to sit back down in the chair as her knees began trembling again. After seeing the condition of most of the men, she wasn't sure what to expect of Kid. Not only was she worried of his physical well being, but his mental health. She could only imagine what he'd endured at the hands of guards who would steal from men with nothing.

Her fingers tightened on her husband's charm. No one would take it from him again.

They waited for what was beginning to feel like forever. Jimmy and Cody alternately paced the room. Lou twirled the small gold charm absent mindedly between her fingers, her eyes on the door Kid would soon walk through.

* * *

Kid stumbled along doggedly behind the guard that had forced him to follow. He was confused as they left the yard and approached the barracks.

"What's this about?" Kid growled angrily.

"Captain wants to see you, Reb. Told me to bring you here, and that's what I'm doing."

Kid sighed and felt dread settle into his gut. He wondered if they found out it had been him to start the riot.

Kid was surprised to see Jonathan Monroe standing inside the infirmary waiting for him. Although they hadn't been friends, both men had developed a certain respect for each other in the time they'd spent together shortly before Kid had been shipped to the prison.

Jonathan Monroe saluted Kid, something none of the other guards had ever bothered to do. Kid raised his arm weakly in return.

"What's going on?" Kid wondered.

"Come with me please," Jonathan said, not wanting to give away the surprise. There was so rarely cause for pleasant surprises or happiness at a place such as this.

Kid glanced at Monroe uneasily as the Captain held his arm out, indicating he wished Kid to go before him into a private room.

Without any idea what was waiting for him behind the door, but experience at Point Lookout having taught him to expect the worst, Kid pushed through it weakly.

Lou gasped as she caught the first sight of her husband, and leapt to her feet. Jimmy and Cody both also stopped and turned to watch Kid, who'd stopped dead in his tracks, with the door swinging back to hit him in his shoulder.

Lou felt tears of relief mingle with those of horror. She might not have recognized the thin, dirty, sickly man in front of her if she had to pick him out of a crowd of many. He wove weakly on his feet, and his eyes were wide and darted nervously from her to Jimmy to Cody as he tried to understand or believe what he saw.

"Lou?" He finally ventured in a rusty voice, as if frightened she might disappear if he spoke.

Lou choked on a sob and rushed to him, wrapping her arms gently around him, afraid he'd break.

Wordlessly, he hugged her back. Lou had a feeling he held her as tightly as his weak limbs would allow, but she could barely feel his thin arms surrounding her. Something about his ghost embrace unnerved her to no end and she held tighter. Lou didn't notice the grime from Kid that was marking her face or dress, nor did the sharp smell of her husband bother her in the least.

For a moment Kid was silent and almost stoic, holding Lou, but seeming miles away. Then, she felt him start to tremble and felt his shoulders heave. Kid was suddenly sobbing into her neck.

The tears came more quickly for Lou then. Jonathan Monroe quickly left the room, followed by Jimmy and Cody, who respected their friends' need to be alone.

Outside of the tiny room, Cody turned to Jonathan and asked, "So, what is it going to take for us to get him out of here?"

Jonathan was taken by surprise and shook his head, "Whoa, there, friend. I bent the rules by letting you see him in the first place. There's no way he's leaving here. Not until this war is over."

"Aw, come on! He can't hardly stand up, much less fight again! You can't keep him here! He's gonna die! Didn't you see him?" Jimmy asked incredulously.

"Men are dying all the time. We are at war," Jonathan said quietly.

"We're not going to give up on this. We have friends in Washington. We'll get papers that will get him released," Cody pointed out.

"When you bring those papers by, I'll be the first to send him out of here with a going away party. I like Kid. Not until then. But I should warn you, those papers you are talking about aren't easy to come by. I wouldn't get his wife's hopes up."

Jimmy and Cody looked at each other.

"Her hopes are already up," Jimmy said quietly.

"And we're not going to let her down," Cody added.

* * *

Kid breathed in the sweet smell of Lou's skin as his tears ebbed. Lou felt his cheek pressed into her neck, and was worried at the feverish feel of him.

"Kid, we've come to get you out," Lou whispered in his ear suddenly.

"You can't get me out of here, Lou. They'll never let me go," Kid argued, standing back, "I have to stay Lou. You can't get your hopes up."

"No, you don't have to stay! I need you!" Lou paused, then looked deeply into her husband's glassy blue eyes, "And our child needs you, Kid."

A million emotions glowed in those eyes within seconds. Shock, tenderness, fear, love, and confusion all crossed his face. "Lou?"

"We're going to have a baby, Kid. Look at me, I'm practically ready to bust out of this dress," Lou smiled softly.

Kid looked down and knew it was true, knew he'd felt a difference when he held her. His feverish mind tried to make sense of it, "So, did you date the other letter wrong?"

"What letter?" Lou asked quietly, but she knew, and her cheeks flushed.

"The letter about our baby. I got it, but it was dated over a year ago…" Kid began.

"Oh," Lou knew it was time to tell him the truth she'd had to endure alone, a year after she'd borne it in solitude, "Kid, I don't know how to tell you this, but I was expecting a child before. I lost the baby. I didn't think you would ever see the letter announcing that I was pregnant, and I just didn't know how to tell you what had happened."

"You should have told me, Lou," Kid said, tears welling anew in his eyes, matching the ones running down his wife's cheeks, "I had a right to know! And I left you there alone!"

"Shh," Lou whispered hoarsely, and went to him, again holding him, "I had Ellen. There was nothing you could have done, Kid. But now, I need you. I'm scared, Kid. I want this baby so much, and I can't do it alone this time."

"Lou, I love you, and I love our child...our children," he corrected himself painfully, "but I can't leave here," Kid suddenly said quietly, but firmly.

"Kid, we'll figure out a way. Like we always do. Teaspoon is going to bring papers that will get you out," Lou began, "it may take some doing, but I know he can."

"No!" Kid said sharply, taking Lou aback. "I don't expect you to understand this, but I have to stay, Lou. There are thousands of men in there who are no better and no worse than me, who have wives and families, and yet they are rotting in those yards. It would be an insult to them and the memories of the ones who have died to just walk out of here and turn my back on them because of any connections Teaspoon has!"

"Damn it, Kid!" Lou suddenly snapped, her voice dangerous, her eyes suddenly dry and flashing fury. "So you're gonna turn your back on me instead?"

"No, Lou!" Kid tried to put his hands on her shoulders but she pushed him roughly away, retreating to the other side of the room to look at him with hurt. "Please, Lou," he pleaded, "try to understand. This place has changed me for the worst. They've tried everything they can to break me, and hell, I don't know, they might have already won. But I can't leave. I owe it to the men that died."

"And what do you owe to me, Kid? What do you owe to the child that never breathed? What do you owe to this child that grows every day?" Lou's hand touched her abdomen.

"I owe you everything, Lou! I owe you my heart and my life! But I left my soul in that stockyard, where I held boys' heads while they cried for their mamas and died of starvation and disease. And if I walk out of here, I'll never be able to live with myself."

"And if you don't walk out of here, I'll never be able to live with you," Lou pushed the ultimatum forth.

"Lou, don't do this," Kid began, his voice faltering.

"No, Kid!" Lou silenced him, " _You don't do this_! I've watched you ride away from me for three years, and I've spent those years in hell just waiting to find your name on one of those damned casualty lists. I can't do it anymore. Not now, since I've seen where you are. I can't leave you here, Kid. But if you force me to, then that's exactly what I'm going to do. I will leave you here for good, Kid. This is too hard! You ask me for too much!"

"Lou, this is my cause!" Kid began, choking down a sob.

"And I am your wife!" Lou flung the words at him, her voice climbing, "And I've played second fiddle to your cause long enough! I've let the South have you for three years, Kid! But I can't allow it one second longer! Not when I know that if you stay in here, you'll die!"

"Lou, if I walk away from here, I give up my honor."

"If you don't, you give up your wife. Which will it be Kid?"

A tortured look of disbelief crossed Kid's face, and it was all Lou could do not to wrap her arms around him and promise she'd wait forever for him to come home. But it would have been a lie. She was weary, and she was miserable, and for family she had to lay her cards on the table. She owed him that much. He couldn't put her and especially his own child behind his cause any longer. Not when he was unable to serve his cause in any way other than martyrdom and she had more need of him than that.

"I guess I have my answer," Lou finally whispered when Kid stood in silence for long moments.

"Lou, wait!" Kid began, and Lou turned hope-filled eyes toward him.

"I have to make you understand why I have to stay," Kid pleaded, reaching for her.

Lou stood quietly while he came to her and touched her rounded belly, and allowed him to kiss her cheek. She averted her eyes, but not her face, as he enveloped her into a tight hug.

"Lou, you know me and why I have to stay," Kid tried, reasoning.

"You're wrong Kid, I don't know you at all," Lou said, fighting tears fiercely, "Goodbye."

She turned to make her way out of the room quickly, ignoring his pleas for her to come back.


	14. Chapter 13: Debts and Sacrifices

Chapter 13: Debts and Sacrifices

"We should probably go in there and get her," Cody said quietly.

"Yeah, it's going to be hard to pull Lou away from him now," Jimmy muttered.

Suddenly the door to the private room burst open and Lou, who's brown eyes were filling with tears that Jimmy knew she was fighting with all her might, stormed out.

"Whoa, Lou, what is it?" Jimmy asked, stepping in front of her but knowing better than to try to touch her.

Lou paused there, twisting at her wedding ring, struggling as she tried to remove it for the first time since Kid had put it on her. She bit off a sob with sheer force of will when it finally slid free. She thrust it and something else into Jimmy's hand and then pushed by him roughly. "Give those to him," she choked out in a trembling voice as she started down the hallway at a quick walk that wanted to turn into a run, "I'm going to the wagon."

"Lou, wait!" Jimmy called after her, but she was gone. He opened his hand, finding Kid's charm there beside her tiny gold band. Cody and he exchanged a look of shock and foreboding.

Through the open door they could see Kid, sitting at the table with his head in his hands, his shoulders hunched in defeat.

"Mind if we talk to him for a minute?" Cody wondered.

"Go ahead. I'll look after Mrs. McCloud," Jonathan nodded, "the guard will show you out when you are ready."

Kid didn't look up as Jimmy and Cody let themselves into the room.

"How are you Kid?" Cody asked quietly, walking to his friend and placing a hand on his frail shoulder.

Kid jumped and looked up, tears standing in his eyes and making streaks down his filthy face.

Instead of replying to Cody, his eyes darted to Jimmy, angrily. "What are you doing here?"

Jimmy's brow wrinkled in pain, "We came to get you out."

"I should have known it would be you, bringing Lou here! God damn it, she's pregnant, Jimmy!" Kid growled, the old struggle between he and Jimmy over Lou rearing its head once again.

Jimmy sighed, desperately not wanting the conflict with Kid, who looked too weak to fight. He dropped his head, spread his hands as if in surrender.

"Kid, she was coming with or without us. We decided we better help her," Cody murmured, trying to defuse the situation.

"Why? We're enemies, remember?" Kid snapped bitterly, focusing his anger over what had just transpired between he and Lou at Jimmy.

"Kid, I still don't agree with your politics, but damn it, we're family, and I was wrong," Jimmy began quietly, fighting the urge to defend himself.

"You don't take words like that back," Kid muttered.

"Not if you won't let him," Cody agreed, an edge of anger working into his voice.

Jimmy chose to avoid the subject and walked to Kid, placing the ring and the necklace Lou had wrestled from the guard before him on the table. Kid flinched as if he'd suffered a physical blow as he looked at them.

"Wanna tell us why Lou didn't stick around long enough to give these to you herself?" Cody ventured.

"I told her what I'm about to tell you. I ain't goin'. I ain't leaving this place. It wouldn't be right."

Jimmy and Cody shared a long, incredulous glance. Jimmy swung his head in utter frustration and looked about for something to strike that wasn't Kid. Cody leaned forward heavily on the creaking table, bending down to be within inches of Kid's face.

"You listen to me, and listen good! Your wife traveled through a war zone, convinced us to come along, and then turned around and did it again, while carrying your child, to get you out of this hell hole! And you're going to sit there and tell me you aren't going?" Cody bit off each word like something that tasted foul.

"Yes, and I don't feel the need to defend myself to you," Kid growled defensively.

"You don't have to defend yourself to us Kid!" Jimmy suddenly jumped in, "but you sure as Hell owe a lot better explanation to your wife than telling her you have to stay for your honor or your cause! Because I may have come to my senses about not being your enemy because you fight against my beliefs, but I swear Kid, if you hurt her like this, we will be enemies!"

"There's nothing else I have to say to either one of you," Kid muttered.

Cody and Jimmy stared hard at him as he slipped the chain and ring into his pocket, his eyes darting nervously to the door to be sure no guard saw him.

"Who are you?" Cody finally asked in amazement, much as Lou had. Kid avoided his eyes.

"You listen, and listen good Kid. I'm going to believe that this whole thing is just a big shock to you and you aren't thinking straight. And we're gonna walk out of here with no hard feelings toward you. But we're coming back in a few days with a plan to get you outta here, and if you refuse, we ain't coming back again," Cody warned.

"Funny, that's two days longer than my wife waited before she left me," Kid said sarcastically.

"Kid, damn it, she's going to have your baby! And a doctor has told us her life could be endangered during the delivery! Don't you care?" Jimmy wondered.

Kid's face grew more taut with alarm, and he looked Jimmy fully in the eye.

"We're going now, Kid. We'll be back once more. Think about it," Cody told him, again touching his shoulder lightly before bidding Jimmy to follow him from the room.

"Kid, you been away too long. That woman loves you more than she loves her life, and she's had enough of pain and loss in her life. And I swear Kid, if you put any more misery in her eyes, you'll answer to me," Jimmy growled softly before leaving.

Kid folded his arms and buried his head within them, waiting for tears that never came as they walked out the door.

* * *

Jimmy walked down the shadowy hall of the hotel softly, a cup of tea warming his hands. He took a deep breath as he paused outside of Lou's door.

She'd been stoic on the way home, staring straight ahead of her, the tears controlled. Her jaw had been set with more determination that Jimmy had seen from her in the time he'd known her. Her cheeks had sported two splotches of red, the only indication of her fury. Despite her resolve, he watched as her right hand worried her ring finger on the left hand, as if seeking what she'd lost. Whatever she'd said to Kid, she meant, he decided. He didn't ask her questions.

Once they'd made it to the closest town, which was a twelve mile drive from the prison, and checked into the town's deserted hotel, she'd disappeared into her room and not come out for hours.

When Jimmy knocked on the door, there was no answer. A louder knock drew no response. Finally, Jimmy tried the knob, finding it unlocked and eased into the dark room.

"Lou, I brought you some tea," he said softly.

There was no response, but a rectangle of light poured in from the hallway and fell on the bed. She lay curled up with her hand resting on her abdomen, facing the wall. Jimmy took her to be asleep, and smiled slightly at her tiny figure on the large bed. She'd not even taken her shoes off.

He set the tea down quietly, and walked over to have a better look at her. Something in him wanted to climb into the bed behind her, take her in his arms and promise he'd never hurt her like Kid was doing right now.

"I've been thinking about Noah's eyes," she said very quietly, startling Jimmy and causing him to jump.

Jimmy sat down on the bed next to her. He could now see Lou's large eyes were open and fixed on the wall. She still didn't look at him as she continued, "They were such warm, kind eyes. So dark…I miss him. I miss his eyes."

"We all miss him, sweetheart," Jimmy whispered, feeling his stomach hollow as it always did when he thought of either Noah or Ike. He tried to remember Noah's eyes. Time was cruel, stealing the details of his face so that Jimmy was just left with an impression of him.

Lou continued as if he hadn't spoken. "It's over with me and Kid."

"What are you talking about Lou?"

"He said he wouldn't leave there, even if we got him papers. And I told him that I needed him, and that I was expecting. He knew...he knew about our first baby. I guess the letter finally reached him, somehow. I told him that he had to pick between his family and his cause. He chose his cause."

"He was confused Lou. A place like that has gotta do strange things to a man. So does war. He's coming home with you, Lou," Jimmy told her, his words a vow that his steady voice promised to keep.

Lou shook her head and turned over on her back to look up at Jimmy, "I don't know, Jimmy. I don't feel like I know my own husband anymore. The man I married would never have chosen dying over living with me and knowing his own child."

"It's not your husband that has changed Lou, it's the world around him. The war has changed the way you love and live, not you, or him. Neither one of you realize that though."

Lou choked on a sob and shook her head, "I don't know if he loves me anymore."

"Well, I do," Jimmy smiled, and reached down to grab both her hands, "And I know that he's sitting somewhere in that camp right now thinking the same thing you are. And given another chance in a few days, that damn fool will come running out of that prison, and never put any cause before you again. Sometimes you have to almost lose something to realize how important it is to hold on to it."

Lou gazed at him doubtfully.

"It will end some day, Lou. It has to. And you wanna know why? Because love will outlast hate every time. Always has, always will."

Lou looked at the man sitting above her and shook her head slowly in amazement. He'd been such a hothead once upon a time, so eager to be in trouble, so quick to anger, to strike out. And now, in the middle of the most violent time in their lives he sat with his hands wrapped around hers' warmly and spoke words of wisdom and truth that made her heart surge with hope, though she had no right to feel it.

"I love you dearly, my friend," Lou suddenly whispered brokenly, tears filling her eyes at the rush of powerful emotion she carried for him, "I don't think I've told you that enough in my life."

"Ah, Lou." Jimmy murmured, "You move me."

* * *

"I don't think you should have promised Lou we'd be bringing Kid back, Jimmy," Cody muttered as he held the reins of the mule that pulled their wagon back toward Point Lookout.

"He's coming back, Cody, one way or the other," Jimmy answered.

"I don't know how you're going to convince a grown man to do something he don't want to. Especially a grown man as stubborn as Kid. Maybe we should have waited on Teaspoon and Buck to get here. Teaspoon could probably talk some sense into him."

"We don't have time. Monroe is only going to be in charge around there for a few more days. We can't even visit Kid when the warden gets back," Jimmy pointed out.

"If they've got the papers to release him, it won't matter when they get here," Cody replied.

"They'd have been here already if they had the papers."

"I'm still surprised Lou didn't want to come," Cody murmured, changing the subject a bit.

"She laid her cards out on the table for Kid, and he's holding out on her. I guess I understand that," Jimmy said.

"Still, it seems odd for Lou to go through all that and just give up. And even stranger still that Lou told him she'd leave him if he didn't leave right away. I thought Lou understood more than any of us why Kid had to fight in the first place."

"She understands why he has to fight Cody. What she doesn't understand is why, after he's been pulled from the fighting, he feels he has to sit in prison and rot away rather than finally being with her and the baby, I guess."

"I guess you can't blame her for not understanding. She's a woman, after all."

"Cody, I ain't a woman, and I don't understand him."

"You ain't?" Cody suddenly grinned to lighten the mood, eliciting a quick glare from Hickok, "All I'm saying is that women don't understand the business of war."

"Well, Cody, Lou ain't like most women. And to tell you the truth, I myself don't understand the business of war. And I don't think I want to."

Cody sighed and nodded, "Maybe we are all better off not understanding."

They pulled the wagon to a halt outside of the prison gate and jumped to the muddy ground. It was a cold, drizzly day, and beyond the guard houses they could see prisoners crouching down in the mud, trying to cover themselves with whatever tattered garments they had.

"It's like Hell, isn't it?" Cody asked shaking his head.

"I think it may be worse," Jimmy responded.

A few minutes later they sat in the same tiny room they had before and waited for Kid to be escorted in. Jimmy's mind worked furiously, and his heart pounded in his throat at what he was about to do.

Kid stumbled in, drenched to the bone and shivering. He looked very frail, and both Jimmy and Cody were upset by his weakness. Cody quickly stood up and offered Kid his chair, and Kid was too exhausted to refuse.

"That shoulder wound looks like it is bleeding," Jimmy said conversationally.

"I'll do," Kid muttered, and glared at them, "I haven't changed my mind. I'm not leaving here."

"The hell you aren't. Lou meant what she said Kid," Cody warned him, "She wouldn't even come today."

"And I meant what I said," Kid replied stubbornly.

"Kid, you're a fool! You got the best woman in the whole world to live your life with, and you'd rather throw it away in here!" Jimmy growled.

"It ain't none of your business, Jimmy," Kid warned him slowly.

"Well, maybe it's high time I made it my business!"

Cody leapt up to stop Jimmy but was too late. Jimmy stood up so quickly the chair crashed to the ground, and he moved with speed that was characteristic of his gun fighting, not his fist fighting.

With one sharp upper cut, he caught Kid square under his jaw, and Kid fell out of the chair, unconscious.

"What the hell are you doing?" Cody asked incredulously, raising his own fists as if Jimmy might turn on him next.

"We're getting him out."

"What?" Cody asked in complete confusion, "Jimmy, I think you've lost your mind."

"No, actually I've thought it through really carefully. I'm taking Kid's place in here. He's going to die if he stays, and this is our last chance we'll have to get him out for sure. So we're going to swap places. You're going to act like we got in a fight and knocked each other out, and you'll have to carry Kid out of here before he wakes up. I'll stay here. By the time the guards get me out of here, you will be to safety. They probably won't know the difference anyway."

"It won't work," Cody said, "Jimmy, you can't do this! You can't stay in here! What if the papers don't come through? What if we can't get you out?"

"I told you I've thought of this carefully. It doesn't matter. Lou needs Kid, and Kid needs Lou, and their child needs both of them. I want to do this for them both, Cody, and I'm going to. Help me switch clothes with him."

Cody felt tears sting his eyes at the sacrifice his friend was making. Nodding and not saying anything for fear of the lump in his throat, he wordlessly began pulling Kid's ratty clothes off his prone form, recoiling in horror at how starved he was underneath the clothes. Jimmy's pants, which once would have been a comfortable fit, sagged loosely on his limp form.

Next they took Cody's handkerchief and wiped the grime and mud from Kid's skin and onto Jimmy's. Jimmy's eyes were quiet and calm the whole time as he transformed into one of the wretches he so pitied driving up that morning.

Finally, both men surveyed the changes. Although it wasn't a perfect exchange, it was a passable swap. As long as no one looked too close.

"Hickock, are you sure you want to go through with this?" Cody finally asked, looking away from his friend as the moment to part came nearer.

"I'm sure Cody."

"Jimmy, I am gonna say somethin' right now, I never had the guts to say it before, but it's important. Look, I reckon ain't none of us who don't know what your feelings for Lou are. I know she is more to you than she is to us, and you to her. And I know the guilt of that eats at ya, being that you feel like you do about Kid. But Jimmy, you don't owe them this. Not this."

Jimmy looked at Cody for a solid fifteen seconds, stunned to know what he thought of as his deepest secret was so damn obvious to his family. Without addressing anything Cody had said, Jimmy sighed. "Billy, you need to pick him up and get going."

"Damn it, Jimmy, I don't think I can leave you here," Cody finally admitted, and tears stood in his eyes.

"You have to leave me here, Cody. I'll be fine. I'm sure Teaspoon and Buck will have the papers here in a few days," Jimmy comforted his friend.

"You just said this morning that they'd be here by now if they had them," Cody reminded him.

"Been wrong before," Jimmy smiled, "Do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"Have your gun ready when you tell her what I did."

"Jesus, Jimmy. She's gonna kill you if this place doesn't, you know that don't you? Probably kill the messenger too," Cody began, and they traded a grin at that. Cody started to reach a hand out to his friend. In a moment of emotion, he instead lurched forward to enfold Jimmy tightly in his arms.

"Goodbye, Cody," Jimmy said, his voice breaking a bit.

"I hope they appreciate what you're doing for them," Cody responded, his voice cracking as well. He quickly turned to sling Kid over his shoulder, finding he didn't weigh much more than Lou at the present, and started out the door.

"Hey, Billy," Jimmy smiled slightly through his tears, "Don't forget about the money you owe me. I'll be expecting it when I get out of here."

Cody nodded and smiled, "I'm sure you will be."

"And Cody?"

"Yeah, Hickok?" Cody wondered, a little breathless under the weight of Kid's limp form.

"Tell Kid when he wakes up that he owes it to Lou and to me to get past all this. Tell him...tell him no hard feelings about anything, no matter what happens to me."

"And Lou? What do I tell her?"

"You ain't got to tell her nothin'. I reckon she knows," Jimmy looked down, hiding the emotion on his face.

Cody nodded, voice thick. "If she didn't before, she will now. Ride safe, Hickock."

Both men's eyes filled with tears again, and Cody staggered out of the room, leaving Jimmy more frightened, uncertain, and alone than he'd ever been in his young life.


	15. Chapter 14: Lovers and Fighters

Chapter 14: Lovers and Fighters

Cody cast another nervous glance at the back of the wagon, where Kid occasionally muttered and stirred, but still did not gain consciousness.

"You're gonna raise some hell when you wake up, my friend," Cody muttered, as he pulled into the drive of the old hotel. His chest had a hollow feeling as he tried to come to terms with the fact that they'd left Jimmy behind.

Lou gently pulled the curtain away from the window as she heard the rumbling down on the drive. Her heart fell as she saw two figures in the wagon…the same two figures that she watched drive away with the last stirrings of hope in her heart that morning.

She wondered why Jimmy was sprawled in the back of the wagon, but sighed and let the curtain fall, returning to her bed and falling upon it, finding herself out of tears. In seconds, she drifted into the sleep of pure depression and exhaustion.

"That bastard!" Kid growled, pacing the tiny room with the fury of a mustang who woke up and found himself in a corral, "Who does he think he is?"

"The greatest friend you ever had, Kid!" Cody snapped back, from his position on the bed in the hotel room, "Do you even realize what he's done for you and Lou?"

"Once again, there he goes poking his nose into my business!" Kid ranted, but he was obviously weakening from the exertion, "He's really gone too far this time!"

"Sit down, and shut up before you fall over," Cody finally snapped at him, leaning forward and putting his head in his palms, "Kid, I swear if you weren't so sick I'd punch you right now! What is wrong with you? You are out of that hell hole! You can take care of Lou now! Hell, Kid, did you forget about her? You haven't even asked where she is or if you can see her!"

"Because I ain't going to see her! I'm going back! I can't let Jimmy do this! It's my responsibility to…"

"Your responsibility is to Lou! Get that through your rock-hard, damned stubborn skull!" Cody shouted suddenly, standing up. "She almost died to save you Kid. I found her with a group of deserters that would have slit her throat when they were done with her. Do you hear me?"

Kid looked up, his eyes wide, "They didn't hurt her, did they?"

"Well, Kid, they beat her up and scared her to death. That baby in her belly protected her from the worst of it because she was so sick. We all tried to keep your whereabouts from her, but she found out one day, and she was going to strike out after you alone. She shamed us all. She kept going when we were all so tired we could have dropped. She's the toughest lady I know, Kid, and she's gone through hell and high water to get to you. She needs you now, and you need her. And you're going to stay with her if I have to tie you down, damn it, and that's the end of it!"

Kid's eyes filled up with tears at the onslaught of shame that suddenly washed over him. Slowly, he edged himself on the bed, and bent at the waist, his shoulders heaving in giant sobs.

"Go see her, Kid. She's waiting for you," Cody finally said gently, and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "You'll both feel better for it."

"I can't let Jimmy do this…" Kid began brokenly, "and I can't get her hopes up!"

"Jimmy already did it, and you're not getting her hopes up. You're fulfilling them," Cody suddenly pressed something in his hand and Kid opened his palm to look at a key, "Lou's two doors down. Go see your wife, Kid."

Kid took a ragged breath and dried his eyes, before pushing himself up slowly and walking unsteadily for the door.

Kid eased into the room and his eyes softened when he spotted Lou's small form curled on the bed. She was facing him, and her arms were curved protectively around her rounded abdomen. She was sound asleep.

Kid crossed the room and felt a surge of protectiveness more powerful than anything he'd ever felt wash through every vein in his body. On the bed lay his whole future, his whole life, and suddenly any cause he'd ever known took a step back in his mind. He still loved his home with a very important part of his being, but every fiber in his body pulled toward this tiny, beautiful woman that had ridden through a war zone to save his life, and who demanded nothing more from him than she would willingly give.

His lips trembled with emotion as he eased himself down next to her. His dirty hand was quite a contrast to the whiteness of the sheet and the paleness of her face. The months had been hard on her, he thought, hell, the years had been hard on her.

He'd make it up to her, he decided.

Lou jerked slightly but then quieted and murmured softly in her sleep as she felt soothing hands stroking her hair slowly. _Those hands know me,_ she thought from behind her veil of grogginess, _I must be dreaming_.

The expert, familiar touched continued, threading through her long auburn hair and stroking her neck softly. Lou moaned softly with pleasure at the soothing touch, before she remembered her surroundings and jerked awake.

Kid was almost as startled to suddenly have her piercing eyes looking back into his as she was to find her husband sitting on the edge of her bed.

"Kid!" She gasped, "When did you…what happened?" She murmured, not sure if she should still be angry at him or not.

"Jimmy took my place in the camp. Lou, I'm such a fool."

"What? Jimmy's in Point Lookout now? Why?" Lou suddenly came fully awake at the alarming news.

"He knocked me out, then him and Cody switched our clothes and Cody carried me out."

"That damn fool," Lou said softly, then turned her large eyes on Kid. He was troubled with the wounded, scared look in them, "And you, Kid. Are you staying?"

Kid felt tears prick his own eyes as he watched Lou bravely fighting hers.

"If you'll have me."

"I already said I would, didn't I?"

Slowly, he leaned down to kiss her, thrilling at the feel of her small arms encircling his neck.

He met her eyes, now luminous with hope, and looked deeply into them

"I'm never going anywhere without you again, Lou. I swear it."

"Not even if the South needs you?" Lou asked, no bitterness in her voice, only trepidation and a demand for honesty.

"Not even if Virginia crumbles and falls into the Chesapeake Bay, Lou."

Lou felt tears rise in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around her husband and allowed herself to be held tightly. In a moment, he stood and pulled her wedding ring from his pocket.

He met her eyes. "I got no right to ask, Lou. But would you put this back on?"

She held out a hand that trembled slightly and he watched her face as he slid it home, then pressed her hand in his keeping.

"You humble me," he said at last and she stood and hugged him hard.

Her eyes searched the ceiling as the full impact of what had happened hit her. Jimmy was in the prison, and he'd done it for her.

She refused to live without him either

* * *

Jimmy would have to be blind not to notice the hostile glare of one particular prisoner in the corner of the tent. Jimmy did his best to avoid anyone's eyes and not cause any trouble all day, but time and time again, he found the slightly older man with the suspicious brown eyes looking his way.

Again, he averted his stare, and instead got up and left the tent, thirsty.

He was bending down to take a drink out of the water barrel when suddenly a hand from somewhere behind him forced his head below the surface of the water.

Caught off guard, Jimmy inhaled a lung full of liquid before he realized what was happening. Finally, he managed to catch his attacker squarely in the shin with his boot, and he surfaced, coughing and gasping for air.

"What the hell?" Jimmy demanded, spinning with his fists clenched to see the man who'd been staring so malevolently all day.

The man didn't answer but rushed him, sending both of them sprawling into the mud, with Jimmy on the bottom.

"You think it's funny? You like to steal from dying men? What did you do, take the clothes off his back while he was unconscious? Or did you kill him, then do it?" The man raged, his face inches from Jimmy.

Jimmy finally succeeded in rolling the weaker man from him, pinning him down with one arm to prevent him from taking any more swings.

"You know Kid?" Jimmy finally gasped out, struggling to get his breath back after the hard tackle, "Listen here, you fool! Kid's out! He's safe! I took his place. So if you'll kindly shut up and not draw the guard's attention, I'd appreciate it!"

"You expect me to believe that?" the stranger growled, "Who would willingly come in here for someone else?"

"That someone else's best friend. He saved my life more than once," Jimmy replied quietly, then added in his head, _the man fool enough to be in love with Kid's wife._

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"James Hickok. Friends call me Jimmy. I guess that means you can call me James."

He glared, "How was I supposed to know you didn't beat him up and take his clothes? How do I know you didn't still?"

Jimmy glanced at the panting man "You got a name?"

"Marty. Kid is a friend of mine. In fact, I'm gonna be his partner out west after the war's over."

"That so?" Jimmy wondered, slightly amused.

"That's so. I saved his life, you see. Course, I think what you did might win out. If he gave me half of his ranch for just pulling him out of a riot, I can't guess what he'll give you," Marty laughed suddenly, and Jimmy finally caught a glimpse of something besides a bitter, angry man, "Probably give _you_ his wife!"

Marty howled with laughter at the joke, missing the painful swallow of the man he spoke to.

"Probably give me a fat lip, to tell you the truth," Jimmy reasoned, "he didn't want to leave, you know."

"Stupid sometimes, ain't he?" Marty smiled.

"More times than I can count," Jimmy replied.

"Well, it's a heck of a thing you did for him," Marty said, and stuck his hand out, "Welcome to Point Lookout."

"That's a hell of a way to welcome a man anywhere," Jimmy muttered, touching his soaking hair.

"Trust me, it just gets worse," Marty said, with a surface lightness that only seemed to add to his meaning.

"Can't wait," Jimmy muttered, picking himself out of the mud and attempting to brush off clothes that had lost their last clean spot months ago.

* * *

Lou bit her bottom lip nervously. She'd done many foolish, rash things in her life, but this quite possibly took the cake. Her hands trembled slightly, not from the cold of winter but from the anxiety running through her blood.

It was early in the morning. She probably had a good hour before dawn. Almost a week had passed since Kid had come to the hotel, and he'd been bedridden. He slept long hours and they had to force food down his throat. The earlier part of the week he'd run a high fever, and she and Cody had doubted he would survive.

As always, Kid surprised them, and was slowly recovering, although it would be months, and possibly even years before he gained his old strength back. They hadn't been able to seek the help of a doctor, either, because there was no way to tell who could be trusted to not turn Kid over to the authorities.

Teaspoon and Buck had yet to make it from Washington D.C.. Cody was developing a bad feeling about what could have happened to them. They needed papers to get Jimmy out, and they needed Buck's expert healing hands to go to work on Kid. Lou and Cody had long arguments in the last few days concerning Jimmy. Lou was bound and determined to get him out of the camp, while Cody wanted to wait on Teaspoon and the papers he was sure the man could somehow secure.

Last night, after a particularly heated argument, Lou had given up on trying to convince Cody to go to the prison and plead Jimmy's case. Instead, she'd woken up at three in the morning and dressed warmly, waking the older stable hand and demanding to have her wagon. She would tolerate no questions from the older man who insisted it was far too dangerous for her to be travelling at night, especially given her condition. It was the first time anyone had noticed her pregnancy, and Lou knew soon she must settle down somewhere soon. But, she thought, it could not be here, with her husband a fugitive not five miles from his place of imprisonment.

They had to move on soon, but not without Jimmy.

Dawn was just starting to make gray streaks across the sky when Lou drove the old mule into sight of the camp. The smell of the men affected her less this time, although her stomach did lurch violently.

"I need to speak to Jonathan Monroe," she informed the guard coolly, not daring to breath through her nose, "He is expecting me."

"Wait here," The guard barked at her, obviously not pleased to have to climb out of his tower to seek permission to let her in.

While he was gone Lou quickly made sure her gun was securely tucked into her skirt pocket. She still had no idea how she was going to get Jimmy out, but she prayed to God it would be with Jonathan Monroe's help.

"Please let me have judged him right. Please let him be a good man!" She said aloud.

"This way, Miss," the guard said, "Mr. Monroe is not awake but the warden has agreed to see you."

"No!" Lou said aloud before she could stop herself. When the guard threw her a curious glance she continued, "You see, Mr. Monroe is an old friend of our family, and I was hoping to see him."

"The warden will decide if you may see him."

Lou felt dread settle in the pit of her stomach. She felt certain her feet were growing heavier, and all around her she could see the starving, dirty, sore-ridden bodies of the prisoners in the infirmary.

Lou was nonetheless obedient as the guard led her into a different part of the barracks than where they'd been previously. It was cleaner. The office they finally entered was well furnished. A fire roared in a marble fireplace, and the dark mahogany furniture gave the room a warm, library-like feel. It was odd to find such luxury in the face of such shortage and need.

The man sitting at the desk wasn't as old as he looked, but his balding head and soft flesh added years. He glanced up and pointed a stubby finger at a chair for her to sit in.

"Leave us," the man told Lou's escort, and Lou glanced uneasily at the warden as he returned to his paperwork while the guard exited.

"What do you want?" The man growled finally, sighing with boredom, "Have you come to plead the case of a husband or a lover? A brother perhaps?"

Lou was taken aback by his coldness, and rendered speechless, so the warden continued, "Shouldn't a woman in your condition hide herself?"

Lou's cheeks flamed, "You've really no reason to speak to me so," she snapped indignantly, "I'm a United States Citizen, and I support the Union."

"All the women who want to get their men out usually do."

"I'm not here to see you, I'm here to see Jonathan Monroe," Lou finally growled, "I find his manners better than yours!"

"Don't put on your lady-of-the-manor act for me, my dear," The warden suddenly said, "I won't have any high and mighty southern belles waltzing in here!"

"I'm not a southerner, and neither is the man whose case I've come to plead!"

"Never are," the warden repeated.

"You will at least hear me out!" Lou finally half-shouted.

The warden slammed his hand upon his desk and stood up, looking Lou in the eye for the first time, "You will not give me orders, lady!" His face was blood red, and Lou pushed herself against the back of the large chair involuntarily. She'd known great men with power over others, and she had known terrible men with power over others. This man was the latter.

"That's not the way to get what you want, you know," he said quietly, and Lou didn't like the tone of his voice or the look in his eyes.

She swallowed hard and persisted all the same, "What is the way to get what I want?"

He chuckled and scratched his shaved chin, coming around to lean on the desk inches in front of her. Lou had to tilt her head back a long way to meet his eyes, and she fought the urge to stand up and equalize their positions.

"Depends on how bad you want this fellow out of prison," the warden said quietly, watching her face for outrage or fear.

Lou disclosed neither although her heart slammed against the wall of her chest and her blood boiled.

"What do you want? Money?"

"I'm already a rich man. How do you think I bought myself this post instead of being thrown onto a battlefield?"

"Then what is your price?" Lou said, already knowing his answer.

"I find you to be a very attractive woman…"

"I find you repulsive. I am not only married, but expecting a child!"

"I won't tell if you won't," he laughed, "No danger of getting a bastard on you that way. Just a bit of your time and you can see the man in those stockyards of your choice walk free."

"How do I know I can trust you?" Lou demanded, feeling she might be sick at what she was considering. And she really was considering it, she realized with shock.

But, it could not be any worse than what Wicks had done to her...and it seemed a small price to pay for Jimmy's life. It seemed infinitely more possible than any other scenario she had considered.

If Jimmy or Kid ever found out though...well, Maryland _would_ roll into the Chesapeake Bay along with the warden's head.

"How do I know I can trust you?" The warden returned with a smirk.

"Because I'll do anything I have to in order to get him out of here," Lou said, and felt tears touch her eyes despite her attempts to control them, "But I suspect you already know that."

Weakness was something this kind of man relished. She had upended her whole life and hidden her identity to protect herself from a man just like him, once upon a time. There was irony in knowing she had run from Wicks to stop herself doing what she weighed doing now. And for one of the men who had made her recognize what her value truly was, even when she didn't feel she had much value as a woman at all. For that gift, for the love they had all given her, she would pay that price or higher for any of them. She'd faced the same when she'd provided a diversion for Cole Lambert to keep Kid from getting shot in jail. She knew though that Jimmy would never forgive himself if she did this for him. She wasn't sure if Kid would forgive her...and less so if he could forgive Jimmy if she went through with it. Of course, they might not find out.

She dismissed the idea. Secrets were hard to keep, and she knew the repercussions for her personally would be difficult to overcome, not to mention what it would mean for Kid and Jimmy's tumultuous relationship should the truth come out. It had to be her way. She couldn't do it the warden's way; it was the easiest way, but the cost was too great to the people who mattered most to her.

The warden watched her struggle with some amusement and murmured, "You must either not love him that much or find me truly abhorrent to be thinking so hard on this."

"My thoughts are none of your business; you aren't entitled to them, at least. Either way, until I have the paper in my hand concerning his release, I'll not take your word that he'll go free."

"Papers can be easily ripped up, lady," The warden warned her, "but very well."

Lou could see the excitement on his face as his trembling hand scratched out the order to release Kid McCloud…in effect, Jimmy. He thrust the paper into her hand and moved around the desk.

"Now, my dear, it is your turn."

Lou looked steadily in his eyes, her hand going to the neckline of her dress, slipping the first buttons free. His nostrils flared as he saw the skin beneath and he started fumbling with his belt. Lou met his eyes steadily. "Could you please turn your back? I am a lady, after all."

"Sure you are," The warden roared with laughter, but the blush that crept up her cheeks and across her neck was the real thing.

Once his back was turned, Lou's hands flew to her pocket where she quickly drew the gun. In two small steps she had the steel rammed into the man's shoulder blades. Her hands trembled with rage and adrenaline.

"Let me remind you that my situation is very desperate, and I will not hesitate to kill you if you make one sound. How many other women have you taken advantage of right here and then refused to let their men go anyway, you son of a bitch? I have half a mind to kill you."

"You do and twelve guards will be here within the minute."

"I told you, I'm a desperate woman. Do you think I'll bother to reason?"

"What do you want?" The warden finally demanded, growing uneasy with the furious woman behind him.

"Sit down in your chair and make yourself comfortable. I'm sure your guards outside will be expecting you to be in here with me for quite some time! One sound and I kill you, and the first five guards through the door."

"You really think you're gonna be able to bust someone out of here by yourself? You, a pregnant whore?"

"See, assuming I was a whore was what got you into trouble in the first place!" Lou said, unruffled, "And no, I'm not going to have to bust him out…you've already given him the walking papers, remember?"

"The second you leave my side, I'll yell for help!" The warden promised.

"What makes you think you'll be alive to do that? I told you, I'll do anything to get my friend out of here," Lou said, with a reckless glint in her eyes. "Anything except what you wanted. There are two kinds of people in the world, warden. Lovers and Fighters. You chose wrong. I'm a fighter."


	16. Chapter 15: Unexpected Allies

Chapter 15: Unexpected Allies

Jonathan Monroe moved quickly, but resisted the urge to break into a run. His eyes moved neither to the left or the right as he tried to nonchalantly move through the prison buildings without arousing suspicion.

He'd never forgive himself if Gordon Styles got his hands on Louise McCloud. When the guard had mentioned that a lady had come to see him, and described Kid McCloud's wife to him, he'd been sickened to learn she'd been taken to the warden's office.

Although he was Jonathan's superior, there was poorly concealed malice between the two men.

Styles hated Jonathan because of his Southern background, and Jonathan hated Styles because he was an arrogant, rich fool who thought he could take whatever he wanted. Jonathan had filed countless complaints about his conduct, but he knew that the Government had bigger problems than the leadership at an out of the way prison camp.

His white knuckles were soon rapping forcefully on the warden's closed door. Style's orderly had done as he was instructed and tried to tell Jonathan no one was to disturb him, but Jonathan had cut the boy off with a growl, and continued.

Jonathan shifted his weight nervously as no sound came from inside the room. With a sigh, knowing he could be court marshaled, Jonathan tried to open the door but found it locked. Shaking his head at his own stupidity, he suddenly threw all his weight into the door and busted the lock.

He stopped cold when he saw Louise McCloud standing close behind the warden with a gun pressed tightly into his neck.

"Close the door, right now," she growled at him in a low voice, and wordlessly, Jonathan did so.

"Mrs. McCloud, he can't hurt you now. I'm here."

"He couldn't hurt me before you were here, Sir," Lou pointed out, "Don't do anything stupid or I'll kill him."

Jonathan met Gordon's eyes and took grim satisfaction at seeing the look of fear on Gordon's face to have his fate resting in the hands of a man he'd enjoyed tormenting.

"What's happening here, Mrs. McCloud?" Jonathan asked in a voice he might have once used to quiet a frightened colt. He moved across the room with his hands raised in a non-threatening manner.

"I don't know what kind of a place you run here, but I'm sure the government will be very interested in knowing your policy of prisoner exchange!" Lou growled, "You treat your prisoners worse than animals and you rape their wives too?"

"It is unfortunate that such men as this come to power, but it happens. Unfortunately, the government is unconcerned. But, I don't think they'd be so unconcerned if you injure the warden. In fact, they'll probably hang you for it."

"I'm not leaving here without…" Lou began, only to be interrupted by the warden. "Your husband is going to stay here!"

Jonathan studied Louise closely. She had that same fierce look in her eyes that he was starting to get used to. How could such gentle eyes be so demanding, he wondered briefly. He was at a loss of what to do. He wanted to help the lady very much, but he also had a duty.

Gordon Style's eyes darted from the woman to Jonathan Monroe quickly. Louise was looking right at Monroe, and the pressure of the gun was lighter on his neck.

With a suddenly move he burst from the chair and pushed the girl hard, sending her stumbling toward a window. Her outstretched hand went straight through it.

Jonathan saw blood on her hand and on the jagged glass, but she slipped to the floor quickly and behind the desk, he lost sight of her.

Gordon Styles immediately started after her with trembling hands, no doubt to make her pay for turning on him. Jonathan, without giving it a second thought, took his whole fate into his hands and with two long strides intercepted him and delivered a hard fist into his superior's jaw.

Styles staggered backwards, then came toward Jonathan with unsteadily raised fists. Jonathan sighed and stepped forward, raising his fists as well, and knowing that winning this fight would not be difficult, nor a matter of pride, but that he'd enjoy it nonetheless. Styles took a wild swing and missed Jonathan by a mile. Jonathan felt a surge of satisfaction as his own fist connected with Style's nose, shattering it, and sending the man to the floor in an unconscious heap.

He didn't revel in his victory for long, though. He threw himself down upon his knees by Louise, who was clutching her bad hand with her good one, both of them covered in blood.

He could see red seeping through her fingers and staining her dark dress.

"Mrs. McCloud, let me look, just let me see!" He pleaded with her gently, placing his own trembling hand on top of hers. She winced and showed him the cut hand. The worst was a deep gash that ran the length of her palm.

"I'm going to go get the surgeon!" Jonathan said with finality and started to get up.

"You can't do that! They'll know what happened and I've got to get Jimmy and get out of here! Just help me wrap it. I will have it tended to later."

"Who is Jimmy?" The Captain asked, confused.

"He took Kid's place, last time he visited. He is in the stockyards. Kid is safe away."

"But that is impossible!"

"Apparently not. I can't leave Jimmy here any more than I could Kid."

"I hope the men in your life appreciate are a rare and brave woman, Louise McCloud," Jonathan muttered as he tended her cuts and she sat in stoic silence. "Makes a man feel like a coward. Makes him do crazy things like knock out his superior officer, hog tie him behind his desk, and bust someone out of here," Jonathan said. "I guess that might make me eligible to swing from a rope beside you."

"You're gonna help me then?" Lou whispered, meeting his eyes with such hope it would have decided him had he already not made up his mind.

"I guess I'm going to help you. I've already signed my discharge from the army with this stunt. Might as well go out with a bang!"

"Thank you!" Lou said softly, grabbing his hand momentarily with her unhurt one.

He sat back after he had bound her hand in a tea towel.

"You all right?" Jonathan asked softly.

"I'll be fine. Just give me a second till the room stops spinning," she told him.

She appreciated the gentleness with which he wound the soft towels around her throbbing hand. It was soon spotting with blood, but Lou ignored that. She wondered momentarily why this man who was such an unexpected blessing to her family agreed to help her, but decided against asking him.

"Let's go figure out a way to get your friend out of here," Jonathan sighed.

"Well, actually, it's going to be simple. I have a paper signed by the warden releasing him," Lou smiled slightly, as Jonathan helped her sit up and then stand.

"Remind me to thank him next time I see him," Jonathan muttered after he'd gagged and tied the unconscious warden up behind his desk.

Jonathan led the way out of a back door from the warden's office. They twisted through dark hallways lined with guard's quarters. He stopped outside his own room and started to open the door.

"You can wait here while I go find your friend."

"How are you going to find a man you've seen once in all those men?" Lou questioned.

"You have a better idea?" Jonathan asked her.

"Yes. Take me with you."

"That is out of the question!"

"Why? It's really the only way. Even if you do find Jimmy, he's going to think it is some sort of trap to go with you. He'll refuse. He's probably trying to hide his face from the guards as it is."

"There's no way you are stepping into that yard, Mrs. McCloud! Those men haven't been within a hundred yards of a woman in months…some of them almost a year! Some longer! You'd be mauled!"

"Give them credit. Just because you treat them like animals doesn't make them savages," Lou murmured, "Come on, Captain Monroe. Is there any other way?"

Jonathan sighed, "There's something else…I'm not sure if you're going to be able to handle what you see out there. It disturbs me, and I'm used to it, ma'am."

"I'll be fine, I give you my word. I ain't the swooning type if you hadn't noticed."

"No, I guess you aren't," Jonathan sighed, not surprised to find himself relenting, "Then we're going to lay some ground rules…I want you to stick like glue to my side! You keep your mouth closed, and your eyes averted. If the men say anything to you, you will ignore it! Do you understand?"

Lou's eyes flashed at the strict orders she was being given. However, Jonathan Monroe's green gaze was just as steady, and his clenched jaw was as stubborn as hers, and she realized if she didn't agree he'd never let her go in, and Jimmy would never be found.

"Aye, Captain!" She saluted him sharply, then winced at the pain the sarcastic motion caused her hand.

Jonathan smiled wryly, "Serves you right. Now come on. Let's get you a coat."

"I'm fine," Lou responded, eyeing the open door to his tiny room nervously.

Jonathan saw her look and laughed at her, "Don't worry, Mrs. McCloud. I'm not looking to try anything. If I didn't have a healthy respect for your abilities before today, I certainly do now."

Lou glared at him sheepishly, embarrassed that he'd read her thoughts. She stood in the hallway while he went inside and returned with an overcoat. He helped her into it, careful of her hand, and nodded when the too long sleeves covered the bandage.

He then pulled out a hat and placed it on her head for her. It fell over her eyes.

"Is this really necessary?" Lou groaned, feeling ridiculous in both items of oversized clothing.

"I can't hide the fact you are a woman, but I can try to hide the fact you are an attractive one," Jonathan responded, "Not to insult you ma'am. I just don't think anyone could ever mistake you for anything but a lady."

Lou laughed in spite of herself at the irony of his statement, "You've no idea."

* * *

Even if Captain Monroe had not told Lou to stick close at his side, she would have. Haggard faces swiveled to follow every step they took over the treacherously wet and slippery ground. Rough voices called out lewd remarks. Weaker voices begged for mercy, and Lou swallowed the urge to scream in terror as man after man lying on the ground grabbed the hem of her dress and asked for food, for medicine, for death.

Tears streamed quickly down Lou's face, causing the bite of the wind through the yard to be more vicious than it already was.

"Do you want to go back?" Jonathan asked her, as they leaned against the relative safety of a guard tower for a moment, "I'm not so sure you should be out here in your condition."

"I'm going to be fine. Let's hurry," Lou said, and made the mistake of breathing through her nose again, and was almost ill. They continued their search for Jimmy.

Almost an hour went by, and Jonathan and Lou were making their way into the furthest corner of the enclosure. Lou had images burned into her memory that would never be erased. She could not help but picture Kid living in this hell for so many months, and know that the men remaining would have to endure it for God only knew how long. She'd seen dead bodies being stripped bare by nearly naked prisoners with huge, gaping lesions on their skin. She'd seen men eating mud and dirt, and bugs. She'd seen men fighting savagely for a hunk of molded bread.

"This place is an atrocity," Lou growled at Jonathan fiercely, "It's unforgivable what you are doing to these men."

"I've done everything I can to improve the condition of these men. There are camps in the South far worse than this, Mrs. McCloud."

"That's no excuse," Lou snapped back as they entered a large tent. She was starting to worry about her friend. He hadn't been anywhere, and she started to fear the worst.

 _If Jimmy died in here, like this, because of us, I'll never forgive myself,_ Lou thought.

"Lou! Lou? Damn it, it is you. What are you doing here!"

A trembling sigh of relief shook Lou's frame as she turned toward the voice. Jimmy staggered up to her.

He was filthy and had a few cuts and bruises, but looked otherwise unharmed, "Oh thank God! Jimmy! We've got papers to get you out!"

"Why in God's name are you here then? Where's Cody? Or Teaspoon? They don't know you're here do they?"

"It isn't important. The important thing is we're getting you out of here! But we have to move fast."

Jimmy was surprised at his own reluctance. He could feel the eyes of several men on him. Several men that were close to death with no means of escape.

Soon, Marty was standing at his side, "I know what you're thinking, Hickok, but go! We chose our cause, and we belong here. You don't. You've got to get out of here."

Jimmy turned to look at Marty. He then held out a hand to squeeze the man's shoulder.

"Lou, here's someone you should meet. This man is the reason your husband is alive today. Marty Weathers, this is Kid's wife, Louise."

Lou stepped forward and looked into some of the kindest brown eyes she'd ever seen. Those eyes were clouded with pain, and set in a face that was starting to sag with malnutrition and disease.

Tears welled in her own eyes, "I don't know quite what to say. Thank you doesn't seem good enough."

Marty smiled, good humor still lighting his eyes even after all he'd endured, "I think knowing that I may have helped Kid come back home to such a lovely woman is enough."

"Kid told me that he offered you half partnership to our ranch, and I want you to know that there will always be a place for you there when this war is over."

Marty grinned, "Ma'am, I believe you are an angel. But, to tell you the truth, I'm weary. I've seen too much, and I don't really think I'll ever leave this place."

Tears threatened Lou's eyes again, "Leave today, with us!"

Jonathan shifted uncomfortably, wondering how many more people she planned to invite on their flight from the Government.

Marty smiled and reached a filthy hand out to touch her cheek, stopping when he realized how dirty it was. When he would have dropped it, Lou quickly reached her sliced hand up, and ignoring the pain, pushed his hand to her cheek and leaned into it with a gentle smile.

Tears touched Marty's own eyes at her goodness, "No, I'm content to stay here. I've grown used to the idea that this is where I'm supposed to be. I've made my peace with life, and the end is near for me. But...You can do me one favor."

"Anything," Lou replied swallowing a sob, then steadying her voice, "Anything at all."

"I don't think they are much for grave markers around this place, and my father was a great man. Do you think you might find a nice spot on your land someday, and perhaps erect a cross with his name on it? Barney Weathers. He was a good man. He deserves a resting place. He liked open spaces."

Lou felt the tears flow down her face faster as she wordlessly nodded her head, "Won't you come with us?"

Marty shook his head, "What and lose all the respect I get around here? There is one more thing you could do for me, though."

Lou nodded, unable to form words around the lump in her throat.

"Maybe, if it isn't too much trouble, make a place for me beside my father?"

"For giving my husband a chance to know his child there is nothing that is too much trouble," Lou choked out, chills rising on the back of her neck.

She stepped forward to fling her arms around the neck of the man who Kid spoke of so highly, who had saved his life more than once, who had brought him back from the jaws of death. "You have my word."

"Mrs. McCloud, we have to go," Jonathan interrupted uncomfortably.

Jimmy walked to her side and placed an arm around her shoulders, turning her away from the man she found it hard to release, to leave behind.

Jimmy met Marty's eyes and a world of understanding passed between the two men.

There had been times in the past when Jimmy felt as if he'd seen too much too, but after a week in the camp he knew he'd never seen real hardship.

Jonathan held his breath as they walked back through the prison. No one questioned his orders since he was second in command at the prison, but he expected the warden to come thundering into their path at any minute.

He rushed Lou and Jimmy both, and feeling his urgency, they were quick to hurry.

"Do you think they'll come after us?" Lou finally asked as she sat on the wagon seat in between Jimmy and Jonathan and looked over her shoulder at the gap opening between them and the prison.

"Let's hope not," Jonathan muttered, "With any luck at all it will be hours before the warden is discovered."

"And if it's not hours?" Jimmy wondered, having been filled in on the story of how Lou had nearly been attacked, "If we're caught?"

Jonathan sighed, and knew that they deserved to be informed of the seriousness of what they were doing, "Then we'll all be shot."

"Lou, this is the stupidest thing you've ever done!" Jimmy finally snapped at her.

"Yeah, and it's not half as stupid as what you did! What were you thinking? Did you honestly expect to go into Point Lookout and stay there for the rest of the war? Why in God's name would you do that?"

Jimmy softened, and sighed, "Because you needed Kid, and he needed you."

"But we both need you too, Jimmy," Lou returned, her voice gentler now as she stole her arm through his and squeezed him tightly.

"I just wanted you both to have another chance."

Lou was so touched by his generosity and devotion to her husband and herself that she could think of absolutely nothing to say.

They rode in silence for a while, daring to believe they would make it to the hotel safely.

"Do you hear that?" Jimmy asked suddenly.

"Hear what?" Jonathan asked tensely.

He need not have asked though, because in a moment all three of them heard the strange, high pitched wailing coming from behind them.

"What is it?" Lou asked, looking at Jonathan and already knowing the answer.

"It's the escaped prisoner alarm. It won't be long before they come looking for us."


	17. Chapter 16: Family

Chapter 16: Family

" _Where the Hell have you been_?"

Lou cringed at the panic and anger in Cody's voice when he ran down the drive to practically jerk her off the wagon. Although he set her on her own feet gently enough, there was no mistaking the stony fury in his eyes or the tremor of his voice, nor the bite of his fingers clutched around her arms.

"I got Jimmy out," She said weakly, waiting for Jimmy or Jonathan to come to her aid at any moment. Instead they sat quietly and let her bear the brunt of Cody's anger.

"And how did you do that?"

Lou looked at the ground sheepishly.

Jimmy finally came to her rescue. "Let her go, Billy. She attacked the warden and made him sign walking papers, then got Captain Monroe here to come find me. It went well…until they found the warden. Now the prisoner's alarm is going off and they'll be on our trail in no time."

"What kind of a lead do we have?" The voice was new, and Lou looked past Cody's broad shoulders to find Kid unsteadily coming down the walkway.

Her heart surged with joy to find him standing, however precariously. They had to get away from the prison guards. If Kid were to go back to prison, there was no doubt he'd die.

Suddenly the foolishness of what she'd done sank into her fully. In saving Jimmy, she'd put them all in danger of treason. She glanced behind her at Jimmy.

Jimmy was staring knowingly back at her.

 _Regret it now, Lou? See? I told you it wasn't worth it._ Jimmy's thoughts were plain in his eyes as Lou gazed at him.

Ever so slightly, she shook her head 'no' in disagreement. It was worth it. _He_ was worth it.

"We have to get away from here," Lou said quietly, "We have to go now."

"Yes, that's brilliant. But where can we go?" Cody snapped, "And how will Teaspoon and Buck know where to find us?"

"I wouldn't worry about us son, we always show up in the nick of time," everyone but Jonathan sighed in relief at the gravelly man's voice, and turned relieved looks towards Teaspoon and Buck, who'd just ridden up.

"We've got the papers to release Kid," Teaspoon said, eyeing Kid, "Apparently, you didn't have much faith in us though."

Cody cast an annoyed look at Lou. "We've got bigger problems than that now, Teaspoon. Not only did we bust Kid out of there, now Lou's gone and gotten Jimmy out, and in doing that got the whole prison on our tail."

"Merciful God. Do I need to ask what Jimmy was doing in prison?"

"It's a long story," Jonathan contributed his two cents, "one that I'd still like to know part of."

Teaspoon eyed the Yankee Captain and shook his head in confusion. Better to sort it out later, for now the questions would have to remain unanswered.

"Well, sounds like we'd better get riding," Buck noted.

"But where are we gonna go? Anywhere we go we've got a traitor in our midst, North or South" Cody muttered.

"I know where we can go. It will be safe…if we can get there," Jonathan said slowly.

"Where are we going to go?" Kid asked warily of the man in blue.

"It'll suit you just fine, I'd imagine. We're going back to Virginia," Jonathan told him.

Lou groaned audibly. She'd just convinced her husband after years of heartache to leave Virginia behind. Now, they were going back?

"What do you expect to do in Virginia? Robert E. Lee is still holding his land quite well. Where do you expect to go, Yankee?" Jimmy asked.

"Home," Jonathan said quietly.

"Home?" It was more a chorus than a question, from Lou, Kid, Cody, and Jimmy.

"Yes. Home. I'm from Virginia."

"And you're fighting for the North?" Kid spat out, "You burned my home and my land…a fellow Virginian?"

His voice was rising, and his cheeks were flushing with unhealthy anger. Lou broke free of Cody's loose hold on her arm with a defiant glare at him and ran to her husband, wrapping her arms around his waist and struggling to take the strain off his weak body.

"Kid, stop it. Jonathan helped me get Jimmy out. Saved me from the warden, or at least from having to kill him. He's betrayed the Union for us."

"After he betrayed Virginia."

"Damn it, Kid!" Lou's voice was sharper than he remembered ever hearing it. Taking a good look into his wife's blazing eyes, he chose to close his mouth and instead turned his gaze from Jonathan to the hotel.

"We've really got to get moving," Jimmy murmured, "I'd just as soon not go back to Lookout any time soon."

Lou felt the shiver that ran through her husband at the thought.

She gently squeezed him as he trembled and her voice was low and determined.

"I promise you, you won't go back there Kid."

"Buck, Jimmy, go saddle the horses. I'll go pack our things," Cody said decisively.

"A wagon will slow us down," Buck said quietly.

"No help for it. Neither Kid nor Lou can ride. We're just going to have to risk it," Teaspoon murmured, quickly taking charge of the situation.

Jonathan Monroe watched quietly from atop the wagon, unsure of what he'd gotten himself into, but sensing immediately that these people were no strangers to danger or hardship, and marveling at the strength and confidence in one another that radiated from all of them. Two Yankees who risked their lives to save a die hard Rebel, a firebrand of a woman, an older man, and an Indian. One of the strangest groups of people he'd encountered, and yet, five minutes told him that they all belonged together. They were a family.

It was time to see if he still had one.

* * *

The day was stressful and long, and everyone was tense from hours of riding through heavy underbrush and crossing water to throw off any hounds or trackers. Lou's muscles ached from the jarring wagon and the effort of holding herself as still as possible. She longed to feel the smoother action of a horse, but it was unthinkable. She couldn't ride per doctor's orders, though she privately thought that the wagon was probably worse. It wasn't a distinction she was willing to make on her own though after her scare on the train.

Beside her, Kid had drifted back into a feverish, restless sleep. Often he cried out and raised his hands, but when she tried to hold them, he frantically pushed her away. Who ever he was reaching for, or fighting off, wasn't her.

The deep cut on her hand throbbed in time to her rapid heartbeat and the bandage was soaked with fresh blood.

She alternated between sitting in the hay and blanket filled wagon and sitting beside Teaspoon on the seat. His face was creased with worry, but he constantly set a reassuring hand on her shoulder or her knee when he glanced over at her pale face.

Cody continued to glare at Lou, and she returned his glare with equal defiance. Jonathan grinned and shook his head after one such exchange.

"Just hope it dies down before we camp or there will be hell to pay," A voice behind him warned.

Jonathan turned to see Jimmy Hickok with a slightly amused expression on his face as well. He nodded. "He seems pretty mad."

"I wasn't talking about him. If I was you, I'd watch out for her," Jimmy laughed heartily for the first time all day.

"Fair enough. I've even seen her mad."

"I heard that!" Lou called over her shoulder.

"Do you deny you are a terror when you are riled up?" Jimmy asked innocently.

"You'd better heed your own advice, Jimmy Hickok," She growled, but as soon as she faced the front she sent Teaspoon a wink.

Night fell finally, and still, they progressed, wanting to put as much distance between them and the prison as possible. Jonathan guessed that the search would have been called off long ago. The prison just didn't have the manpower to continue an all night search. Too much had to be done at the prison, and they were short-staffed. One prisoner's escape was bad, but the hope and morale it could give to the men inside could be a disaster. Jonathan often wondered why the men didn't revolt. Some of them would die, but manpower was so scarce that the majority of them would succeed.

Finally, near dawn, Teaspoon gave the order for them to set up camp. Lou was fast asleep, her body pressed contentedly near Kid's in the back of the wagon when the sudden lack of motion caused her to stir.

"Go back to sleep, sweetheart, we're going to stop here for the night."

"I'm starving," She replied sleepily, "Do we have anything to eat?"

"I'm sorry honey. Not right now. I'll see if I can find anything," Teaspoon told her quietly. He sighed. Lou was looking pale, and she needed to keep her strength up. The stress of fleeing for her husband and Jimmy's lives was wearing on her quickly.

"Here, Lou, I want to look at your hand," Buck said, "The bandages are bled through."

Lou nodded wordlessly and fought down tears of exhaustion. There was nothing to be done about the ache of her expanding body or the gnawing pains of hunger from within, and crying wouldn't help.

She allowed Buck to lift her down from the wagon, and sat by the tiny fire they dared build. She winced as he unwrapped the bandages from the tender cuts, wondering if it was just that morning that she'd cut her hand in the first place. It seemed like ages since they left the prison.

"You did a good job on this Lou. What happened?"

"I put it through a window."

Buck raised his eyebrows, gaze rising to hers in question.

"Well. Not on purpose, obviously," Lou finished lamely.

"At least the wounds look clean. These two should have been stitched up, but it's too late to do that now. Let's just clean them with some water and put fresh bandages on, all right? I am sorry you got hurt, Lou."

Lou nodded wordlessly, and glancing into his sympathetic eyes brought another wave of self pity on her and she almost broke into tears again. She quickly averted her eyes. Buck saw clearly that she was fighting with her emotions, and instead of prodding her, let her be as he tended to her raw hand as gently as possible.

However, her tenuous effort to not shed her tears was lost when Cody crouched down beside Lou.

He suddenly sat his arm around her shoulder and squeezed it tightly.

"For what it's worth now, I'm glad you got Jimmy out, and I guess I'm even glad you didn't get shot for doing it, Lou," Cody said in a low voice, not wanting anyone but Lou and Buck to hear his concession to her.

Tears welled in her eyes at his gentle tone, and finally she could control her tears no longer. She loathed herself for her weakness as she turned her nose into Cody's neck.

"Hey, Lou, it's all right. We're gonna make it," Cody said quietly, giving Buck a bewildered look as he patted her awkwardly.

"I'm such a fool!" Lou muttered, pulling away with sudden anger and wiping at her eyes. She was aware that all of them were watching her, Buck, Cody, Jimmy, and Jonathan.

"Don't tell me you regret all this now," Jimmy asked with a teasing smile.

"No, not that. I'm just not myself. Never mind," Lou growled, frustrated that they didn't understand that she was embarrassed because of her tears, not her actions.

"It's just the baby making you talk like that, Lou," Buck smiled up at her, "You can't help it."

"What would any of you know about that?" Lou snapped and she got up and retreated from all of them to stand alone in the dark.

Teaspoon appeared in the circle of light holding a handful of berries, "This is the best I could do tonight Lou. It's too dark to hunt anything."

"Never mind. I'm not hungry. I'm going back to sleep," Lou muttered, finding her anger was wearing thin and quickly returning to sadness.

The others watched her as she awkwardly climbed into the wagon, but when Jimmy made a move to help lift her into the back of it, she threw a scathing glare in his direction. Wordlessly, he stopped in his tracks and held his hands up, as if she had him in the crosshairs of a rifle.

"Goodnight Lou," Jimmy murmured softly when she stood triumphantly in the bed of the wagon.

The fire caught her tears as she wordlessly nodded around the lump in her throat and settled heavily next to her husband. He awoke long enough to reach for her and pull her into a tight embrace against his side. Lou's fingers dug slightly into his chest.

The other's voices, although hushed, drifted to her.

"What the hell is wrong with her Teaspoon?" Cody asked.

"Celinda didn't act like that when she was carrying her baby," Jimmy said.

"Some women just feel it more than others, I think."

"Not Lou," Jimmy reasoned, "It's not like her."

"She has no say in it," Teaspoon explained.

"Still, I feel like there is something else," Jimmy said.

"Well, you got to realize, she's been surrounded by men for weeks now. She's scared and she needs another woman around. Ain't none of us got much experience with babies or the carrying of them. Thank the Good Lord for that," Teaspoon added with a sigh of relief.

"I have a sister at home," Jonathan informed them. "Maybe that will help."

Tears dropped off Lou's nose as she listened. Teaspoon didn't know how right he was. She just couldn't bring herself to voice her fears in front of the boys, although they were family. She couldn't talk to Teaspoon, not even Jimmy.

Even now, when she hadn't felt the baby move for two days.

She prayed Jonathan Monroe's sister would welcome them, and be a companion to her. She wanted Rachel and Emma and Rock Creek with an intense longing that made her feel ill.

She was homesick, more so than she had ever been, but, she realized, going home would likely be a long time in coming.

* * *

"Almost there," Jonathan's voice had an eager excitement in it as he pushed them all onward. It was almost dawn, and five days since they'd left Point Lookout. They were in desperate need of rest, but Jonathan was insistent. He was going home.

Terror ate at him. In the last reports he'd had, his home was still standing, but in war things could change fast and he feared he'd find a pile of ashes. They'd been lucky. Jonathan's papers had gotten them through the one checkpoint they had not been able to avoid. It was the most tense few moments of Lou's life, sitting beside Teaspoon on the wagon, but apparently the soldiers at the lines were more used to having civilians cross than Lou thought they would have been. They'd seen no one else, but then Jonathan knew the country well, and how to avoid the towns and farms.

"It's just over this hill," Jonathan said with excitement, and urged his horse faster.

The wagon, driven by Buck, rumbled up the hill, and Jimmy, Teaspoon, Cody, and Buck all followed closely. At the top of the hill the whole caravan came to an abrupt halt, and everyone's jaws hung slack in shock.

They'd expected a modest farmhouse at best.

Spread out in front of them, on a rise that overlooked acres of pasture and cropland was a massive Colonial plantation house. The house seemed to stretch forever, and the six huge white marble pillars lined across the front of the house seemed to glow pink with the light from the slowly rising sun. Beyond the fields, fog lazily rolled off the James River. It was by far the grandest house any of them had ever seen.

"Welcome to Monroe Hall," Jonathan said quietly with a tired and hesitant smile. He was not arrogant nor offended at their awe, but the pride in his home and his land was evident in his words. He urged his horse to lead the way to the main house. "Let me go warn them."

The boys, Teaspoon, and Lou exchanged shocked glances, and wordlessly followed their host to his plantation.


	18. Chapter 17: Into the Fire

Chapter 17: Into the Fire

 _A/N: Some mature themes in this REALLY LONG chapter. Nothing terribly graphic, but still. Also, I struggled with this one-but Jimmy and Lou made me do it. It's a deviation from the story I posted years ago, but it felt right to me...wondering if readers will think I've gone too far round the bend. Love to know what you think if you read it!_

There was silence after the wagon rumbled up to where Jonathan was climbing off his horse. The house seemed empty, the windows dark and the curtains drawn. Up close, it was obvious that the grand old house had suffered neglect during the long years of war; the paint was peeling, some shutters were unhinged, the gardens full of more weeds than flowers.

"Catherine! Catherine, are you here?"

Jonathan's voice sounded near panic as he shouted for his sister. He'd never forgive himself if something had happened to her, while they all left her here alone. A million horrible thoughts went through his head; she'd been killed trying to defend their home, a deserter had taken her...

Lou was gazing at him in pity when the door opened, which was why she saw his trembling sigh of relief. Her eyes quickly turned toward the doorway, where the first woman she'd seen since Washington D.C. was cautiously sticking her head from the doorway, shotgun in hand.

She was lovely. Tall and slim, with wheat gold hair and the same bright green eyes of her brother. Her face was thin and aristocratically lined, her neck long and graceful. She wore a fine silk robe over her cotton nightgown, obviously having been awakened by her brother's arrival.

Now, her eyes grew wide in amazement as they fell upon her brother, who was taking the porch stairs two at a time to greet her. She leapt at him and tears of joy rose in her eyes as he embraced her, picking her up and twirling her around several times.

Lou felt tears burn her own eyes at the happiness of the reunion, at the feeling behind it.

"Why are you in Virginia?" She finally asked, loudly enough for all the riders to hear, "And who are these people?" She said, looking shyly past his shoulder to the group of sheepish looking people on her stoop. Her fingers clutched her robe more tightly at her throat as she self consciously returned the stare of the five men and one woman below.

"We need your help, Catherine. I'm afraid I've gotten myself into some trouble."

Catherine's eyes fell on the pregnant woman sitting on the wagon seat and her lip curled unconsciously in distaste and shock.

Jonathan saw her look, and smiled briefly, letting his eyes rest on Louise, who had straightened with indignant embarrassment at the innuendo.

"No! Not that!" Jonathan said quickly, "I'm afraid I'll be needing to stay here for a while, as will my friends. Until the baby is born. Maybe longer."

"Whose baby?" Catherine asked curiously, still not altogether approving of the bold woman on the wagon.

"Mine," Louise replied evenly, meeting the cool green eyes of the woman on the porch and lifting her chin in a way that usually meant trouble.

Jonathan added, "And her husband's-this is Kid, who is a Confederate soldier who has escaped from prison."

"Jonathan, I don't understand-what is going on? Why are you helping a Confederate soldier? And what are you doing here! If Robert comes back, there will be hell to pay!"

"I'll worry about Robert, Catherine. I've got bigger problems right now. Like treason. I've helped a man escape from the prison, and all of Point Lookout knows that. I have to lay low for awhile, and so must they. And Louise is in no condition to make it home."

Catherine nodded slowly, still not understanding what in the world was going on, but loving her brother enough to trust him. Although the rest of their family had taken his decision to fight for the North badly, and had disowned him, Catherine hadn't allowed that to affect her love of her brother, misguided though he was. His act of treason against the North could only make her proud, and if these men were southerners, then she was all for taking them in.

She turned to the weary travelers. "I'm afraid I've forgotten my manners. It's been quite some time since we've had visitors at Monroe Hall. Any friend of Robert E. Lee is a friend of mine. Please, come inside. Leave the horses, I'll find someone to tend to them."

As if she'd conjured them, two tall black men appeared from out of nowhere to take the reins of the horses.

Jimmy, Cody, and Buck exchanged a glance, uncomfortable with the idea of a slave having to do their work.

"I'll see to my horse, ma'am," Jimmy spoke first, meeting their hostess' emerald eyes.

"There's no need. Quinn and Bram will be happy to see to them. That's what they are paid for."

"I didn't think that slaves were paid, Miss Monroe," Jimmy returned, not unkindly, "I just wouldn't feel right about it."

Catherine Monroe bristled, pulling herself to her full height, "You're right, sir. Slaves aren't paid. But seeing as Quinn and Bram are both free men compensated for their work here, your point is irrelevant. But if you feel the need to look after your own horse, I certainly will not stop you."

She spun on her heel and cast a deadly look at Jonathan. Just like him to bring a bunch of ignorant Yankees along, she thought. "I'll go prepare your rooms," she managed to growl as she walked back into the house, the door she left wide open the only indication that they were welcome to come inside.

Must to his chagrin, Jimmy noted the looks in the eyes of the two black men who came to take his horse's reins. Wounded pride and anger simmered there, but did not show in their impeccable manners, which were, he thought, much better than his own.

"I'm sorry," the words always came hard to Jimmy, but he'd never meant them as sincerely. He'd turned into what he hated, a bigot, automatically assuming things about a man because of his color.

"s'alright mister. Just a mistake," Quinn noted, but it was too late. He'd hurt them with his careless words, and he couldn't take them back.

Cody clapped Jimmy on the shoulder lightly as they started up the stairs, feeling badly for his friend. "You sure can make a first impression, Jimmy."

Jonathan waited for him at the top of the stairs, "Quinn and Bram were born slaves. Everyone left on this plantation but Catherine was. But when my father died, as the oldest son, I freed them all. Much to the dismay of my two younger brothers."

"And your sister?" Cody wondered.

"Catherine's difficult. Never could clearly tell where she stood on the issue of slavery. But I will tell you-or rather warn you-she's the most adamant Southerner you'll ever find. I keep expecting her to suit up and go find Robert E…"

"And the Robert she mentioned? Should we be worried about him?" Teaspoon wondered, as he finished leading Lou up the stairs. Buck struggled under the weight of Kid, who was leaning heavily against him.

"Robert's one of my two younger brothers. We had a falling out before we parted. His threats were quite clear of what would happen if I returned here. Of course, this place is rightfully mine, and I had every intention of returning…just not quite so soon. Robert is convinced we are enemies."

"Sounds like someone else I know," Lou couldn't stop herself from muttering, but felt bad when she saw Jimmy's already guilty eyes grow a shade darker.

"I'll worry about Robert if the time comes to do so," Jonathan assured them, "Now, let's get everyone settled and fed and rested. There's plenty of time to talk later."

Teaspoon nodded, "Son, I think that's a good idea."

Too weary to dispute either one of them, the riders all filed inside onto the gray marble floor of the foyer and up the thickly carpeted staircase.

* * *

Hours later, Lou stirred and stretched her arms luxuriously, wiggling her fingers. She was instantly sorry when pain shot through her cut palm.

Feeling her movement, Kid, who had slept unmoving for hours, looked up slowly. His fever had broken and his coloring looked better since they left Maryland. His digestive system was still in very bad condition, though. Everything he ate troubled his stomach.

"Good Morning," He murmured, a little shy.

"Not hardly, my dear. I hate to tell you, but we've slept the day away, it is nearly nightfall."

Kid glanced outside to see the slowly sinking sun from under the partly drawn shade, "I guess you're right." His eyes rested tenderly on her for a moment.

Lou felt the intensity of his blue gaze and returned it. She reached out to touch his brow lightly. "What is it, Kid?"

"You. I just realized I hadn't really thanked you yet."

"Thanked me for what?" Lou wondered.

"Oh, I don't know. For following me into a war, for living in enemy territory. For traveling through dangerous country alone, only to find recruits to drag right back through the territory again. For trying to make me leave there, and for taking me back when I finally came to my senses. You saved my life, you know. I've put you through Hell since the day we were married, and yet you stay. Why?"

Lou smiled, and leaned forward to kiss his forehead gently, "Because I love you."

Kid reached out to touch her rounding abdomen slowly, surprised by the firmness of it. It was the first time he'd really acknowledged the baby's presence since he'd been lucid.

Lou lay perfectly still, watching his wondrous eyes, unsure of how he felt about the news.

"Lou, why didn't you tell me?" He asked softly.

"Because you were in the prison, and…"

"No. The first time. Why didn't you tell me what happened?"

Lou could hear no anger in his voice, only heartache and confusion. "Because you had enough to worry about, Kid. I didn't tell you for the same reason you didn't tell me about all the boys you saw die out on the battlefield. I wanted to protect you from it."

"It's different," He began stubbornly.

"It's not!" Lou's voice trembled and raised slightly.

Kid sighed, deciding this was a battle he didn't want to fight. Neither of them could win this heartache of the past. His hand still rested on her belly, spread fingers tensing, as if to protect her.

"And this time? Are things alright?"

As if in answer, suddenly the child within Lou gave a mighty kick. Lou jumped in surprise, and placed her hand over Kid's.

"Did you feel that? He kicked!" Lou gasped and felt tears of relief well in her eyes. The child had been still for two days, but had been biding its time. Now it felt as if he were doing flips, and she laughed as tears of joy fell down her face.

"I...I don't know. He did?" The look on Kid's face was too much for Lou. His mouth hung agape and his eyes formed perfect wide circles, his expression a perfect mix between terror and amazement.

"There's really a person in there!" he exclaimed.

A laugh escaped her lips, and soon she was both laughing and crying in joy, relief, and worry all at the same time.

Kid smiled and watched her laughing, not sure whether to be offended at being at the brunt of the joke or not. Finally he leaned close to Lou's stomach and whispered with a wicked grin, "Sorry, but you've got lunatic for a mother."

Lou pulled Kid up to her and wrapped her arms tightly around him, "If I'm a loon, it's you who drove me to it. Thank God we're safe."

And with a trembling sigh, Kid nodded and wrapped his arms back around Lou, praying that they really were safe.

Lou sighed, and her voice was muffled against his thin chest when she muttered, "Virginia. Again. Now I know how Jimmy feels about Kansas."

* * *

The days passed quickly after the initial strain of settling into life on the plantation. Catherine was a skillful mistress of the house, ruling it with an iron hand. Lou was delighted to find herself put to work. Slowly, the two women gained respect for one another, which in turn developed into cautious friendship.

Kid healed slowly, but surely. The scars on his shoulder would be with him always, but the light work the others insisted he do helped the muscles regain their strength and flexibility. His stomach grew stronger and he began slowly eating more. Even more slowly his emancipated form filled out. He tired easily and still had bouts of illness, but Lou dared to hope he'd recover fully with time.

She worried more about his state of mind than anything. He was distant and troubled, often plagued with night terrors. His temper was short, and he seemed to be becoming more withdrawn, even as he physically improved.

A few weeks after their arrival, he'd launched himself at her in their bed and seized her throat in both his hands. His eyes had been wild, his face not his own; he'd been lost in the grip of a nightmare. Unable to call for help, it had been Kid's screams that had roused the house and brought Buck and Jimmy breaking through the locked door. Weak as he was, it had taken both men to pull the cursing, screaming Kid off of her. It had taken several more minutes to rouse him from the dream. Once he realized what he'd done, he had not returned to her bed that night or any night since.

He had looked utterly defeated the next day when he came to her, took her chin in his hands, and gently tilted it up, studying the dark bruises of his own fingerprints on her throat. She could see the terror in his eyes, the self-loathing.

"Kid, it might help to talk about the nightmares," Lou suggested quietly as he'd looked at her, his pain greater than her own by far.

"I can't." Was his short reply. It broke her heart to see his anguish, to see him trapped in it.

"Kid, it wasn't your fault," Lou tried to tell him, pulling the neck of her dress higher. He'd scared her, and scared her badly, but she knew that he would torture himself over hurting her; he who had a healthy appreciation of just how badly she'd been hurt by men in her past.

"Whose else's, Lou?" He'd growled and stalked off.

Lou wasn't sure how she and her husband, for whom she'd once catalogued hundreds of things a day she wished she could tell him when he wasn't there, had come to a place where they had absolutely nothing they could think to say to one another.

The other boys busied themselves with helping to fix the house and buildings up, and eventually helped with the planting of food. Jimmy and Cody often shifted about restlessly though, and Lou could sense more than see that soon they would have to move on. She was horrified to overhear them talking of the war often, of riding to join up and become scouts as she drifted by an open window leading to the porch. She'd also heard Teaspoon flatly refuse to allow them to go, though they were grown men, until the baby was born.

 _"Lou's in a delicate condition. I don't want you boys upsetting her."_

 _"Aw, Teaspoon," they had both groaned, but in the end had agreed to wait until the child was born._

Now in late June, Lou didn't know whether to wish the baby would hurry along or stay within her forever. She didn't let on that she'd heard the boys talking about signing up, choosing to save that battle until after the child was born.

She'd always been slight in frame and remained so, except for the huge bulge from her middle. She often giggled at her own efforts to stand up and sit down, except on those days when her ankles were swollen to the size of her head, and her back carried a dull ache worse than normal. Her skin often felt as if it couldn't contain her, and she found herself eating ravenously. On at least two occasions she had eaten more than William F. Cody, which had alarmed the others as much as it had her. Cody seemed to take it as a personal affront.

Still, she had made it past the point where her first pregnancy had ended. She'd felt nothing but dread as that time approached, and she took it as some sort of hopeful sign when all remained well. She was determined to relish every discomfort thereafter knowing it got her one day closer to a healthy baby.

Kid remained distant, as his mood grew darker, he had turned uninterested in the miracle growing in her every day that was his as well as hers. She felt lost, alone, and scared of what the future held for all of them.

The other day she'd been sitting on the porch with Jimmy and his eyes had drifted to her stomach just as the baby gave a long, powerful roll. He'd seen the pitch of her belly under the dress and his eyes had widened with disbelief that made Lou laugh. Almost unthinkingly, he'd reached a hand towards her, pausing suddenly just before touching her stomach and raising his eyes to hers, murmuring an apology.

"It's fine," she'd smiled, and guided his hand down to rest on her belly. "Just wait," she told him, holding his hand there when he would have withdrawn it. "Say hello to your Uncle Jimmy," she told the baby. The baby rewarded him with a forceful shove and Jimmy had whooped with sheer joy and amazement, leaving his hand there for a long moment. His eyes had found Lou's and the smile died off his face as they stared at one another, something painful and heavy in the air between them.

Now, as she rested on the porch, her eyes narrowed with interest as she watched Cody, Jimmy and Buck working on a fence around the garden, and saw Catherine carrying a pitcher out to them.

Interesting things tended to happen between Catherine and Jimmy. There was an electricity between them. At first, Lou had taken it to be dislike because of their ideological differences, after a few fights between the two at dinner. Now, however, she could see the change.

They still had very vocal disagreements, but more often than not Lou caught the quick, coy glances that Catherine shot him, or the wink of Jimmy's eye as he met her gaze across the table. She'd observed the two walking up from the river one night last week, shoulder to shoulder until they came into sight of the house.

A smile creased her lips. She enjoyed torturing Catherine about Jimmy, and she was delighted that they had grown attached. She liked Catherine's spine and sass, and thought maybe she could be a match for Jimmy. Lou quelled the little spark of jealousy that sometimes ignited in her chest when she saw how Jimmy looked at Catherine with difficulty.

She had no right to him and perhaps that would convince Jimmy to stay when the time came.

* * *

The time came much more quickly than Lou expected.

It began when the Monroe's wagon come careening down the drive at a speed that was far too great, considering the wobbly axles and creaky singletree. She recalled vaguely thinking something must be horribly wrong for Catherine to risk their only remaining wagon, the scrawny mule, and her own neck.

Lou glanced out the window to watch her approach, her yellow hair whipping straight out behind her, her face ghost pale, and her eyes wide and dazed.

Was the war over? Lou dared to wonder. Or were the Yankees on her tail, coming to burn the house around their heads? And if they did, what would become of all her men? Her hand curled over her heavy stomach, and her head swiveled toward the river, where Jimmy, Kid, Cody, Buck, and Jonathan had just disappeared to go fishing in the late afternoon heat. The Yankees would shoot Jonathan, and probably the rest of them too. At best, they would send them all to prison.

"Why is it always something?" She hissed in frustration.

Despite her awkward shape, Lou maneuvered the curving staircase with agility. Her feet touched the hard marble foyer as soon as the door swung open, crashing into the wall with the force of the woman behind it.

"What!" Lou exclaimed, running to Catherine and putting her hands against her clammy cheeks to make the girl's glazed eyes turn in her direction, "What's happened?"

"Oh God!" Catherine shrieked and collapsed into Lou's arms, the force of her sobbing nearly knocking Lou down.

"Catherine, what? Please, please, calm down!" Lou urged her, stroking her hair, and attempting to half lead, half carry her into the parlor and get her settled in a chair.

In a moment, Lou somehow managed to pry the girl from her neck and bent before her, looking levelly into her eyes.

"Please, Catherine. What happened? Are we in danger?"

It took several hiccoughing sobs for Catherine to breathe correctly, and several more for her to try to speak.

"My brother…Robert…his name is on the list," Catherine finally squalled, again launching herself into Lou's arms.

She had to say no more. She'd had her own nightmares with those damned casualty lists. Lou could think of nothing to say as she rocked Catherine slowly.

If Catherine heard the frantic male murmurs or heavy footsteps, she showed no sign of it. Lou craned her neck to look over Catherine's bobbing head, and sighed with relief. Bram must have run down to the river to get the boys after seeing Catherine drive up so frantically.

"Catherine, what is it?" Jonathan gasped, putting a hand on his chest and struggling to draw a deep breath. He looked from Catherine, who merely shook her head and pushed her face further into Lou's shoulder, to Lou, who met his gaze with a mix of dread and bewilderment.

"Well?" Jonathan demanded of Lou, who was looking at him rather dumbly, he thought.

"It really isn't my place to say…" Lou began.

"Tell me!" Jonathan's voice came out a roar that he'd probably used to make his troops quake in their boots at one time.

"Catherine, you have to tell your brother," Lou prodded the girl gently.

A loud sob was her answer. Sighing, Lou looked back to Jonathan, and knew it would have to be her. Catherine was rapidly becoming hysterical, and he deserved to know.

"Jonathan, I'm sorry, but your brother Robert...was on the list."

Lou was prepared for any number of reactions from the tall man in front of her. She fully expected him to scream, sob, strike out at her, or just stare blankly back. However, she was in no way anticipating that he would silently slump to the floor in a dead faint.

It was only after the next few hours, when she'd gotten Catherine to bed, with the help of tea that was heavily laced with brandy, and Jonathan had come to and stalked off to be alone that Lou learned about the battle.

It had been a little town called Gettysburg. The Confederate soldiers, seeking shoes, had happened upon the sleepy little town in Pennsylvania, and it was almost chance that the armies happened to meet.

The results were devastating. A three-day battle in the heat of early July had ended in a blood bath, and a crushing blow to the South. Thousands of men lay dying on the battlefield for days. Brilliant maneuvering on the Union's part, and the failure of Jeb Stuart, leader of General Lee's Cavalry-better known as his "eyes and ears"-to appear until it was too late had given the Union the upper hand. The Confederates had fled, but there had been no move to pursue them.

Yet.

* * *

Lou picked up on the energy change between Jimmy and Cody after news of the battle. She could sense the new purpose about them, though they had not said anything.

When from her room's window she saw Jimmy go into the stables, she sighed and went after him.

The stables were dark and mercifully cool, built to catch any breeze off the James River, just as the house was. Jimmy had his horse tied in the deserted aisle, was grooming him. She thought approaching Jimmy in her current turbulent mood was unwise and unfair to everyone she loved, including Kid, Catherine, and Jimmy himself, but she was pulled to him now like a magnet to the polar opposite of the indifferent and cold man she was married to.

Here, alone with him in the stables and knowing what he was doing, she was awash in things she had no right feeling.

"You aren't planning on leaving without saying goodbye, are you?" Lou murmured, walking up to his horse and placing a hand on its muzzle. As did every living thing, Jimmy thought, the horse seemed glad of her touch, and lowered his head gently. Lou studied Jimmy with the bulk of the animal's head between them.

"You know I ain't much on goodbyes," Jimmy murmured, uncomfortable.

"And you know how I'd feel if you didn't say one," Lou scolded, but without heat.

"Lou, I have to go. Please don't try to make me stay," he pleaded with her, fear in his eyes, and she knew that it was because if she asked him, he'd do, or not do, anything for her.

She sighed, "I know you have to go." Her eyes filled with tears.

"Lou, don't do that, please…" he said helplessly, wanting to reach toward her but afraid to do so at the same time. His feelings were too raw, too confused, and too near the surface and he felt close to breaking. The thought of leaving her here, in enemy territory with a husband who suddenly seemed to care little about her was killing him. The thought of leaving her at all killed him.

"How am I supposed to thank you, for what you did for me? For what you did for Kid? How do I ever pay down that debt, Jimmy?" she whispered, tears falling.

"By being happy, Lou. It's all I want." His throat grew tight around the words as he said them, and he raised a hand to cradle her cheek.

His touch sent a shiver through Lou. Not of fear, but of something else altogether. Something she hadn't felt in a long time. Desire. Her husband had seemingly lost his desire for her, for life altogether. He was completely uninterested in her, in their child. He sank further and further into silence, the miles between them opening more and more every single day. And it hurt so badly.

But this man before her...this man loved her. To what extent and depth, she did not know...had never let her mind explore the answer. And she had always loved this man too, had never let herself even explore the question of how much, much less the answer. He was warm, he was alive and vital. She had life growing within her. She felt alive and vital and warm too.

Kid had wanted to stay in prison, to leave her. It was killing Jimmy to leave her.

In Jimmy's face she suddenly saw a secret she knew he'd tried to keep from her at all costs, that he would have rather died than have her guess, because it would cause her pain. But it was bald and unmasked in his eyes now. He loved her, she'd known that. She hadn't known that he had wanted her.

He looked terrified when he read the knowledge of that in her eyes. He wondered what she would do with it.

She stepped around the horse and stood before him. He moved towards her at the same time. He'd kissed her once before on a starry night by a campfire, catching her unaware, and she had met him for a brief moment before trouble interrupted them. Lou knew she started it this time as she rose on her toes to take his mouth, and he met her unquestioningly.

Jimmy knew it was wrong for a thousand reasons. Ten thousand reasons. Two of them were the most important in his life. Betrayal of Kid. Of their family. Of Lou herself, maybe. He knew this, but he was consumed as if with hellfire, and he let himself be damned. He'd burn happily for Lou. For this.

It was like lightning, Lou thought. Brilliant and scorching and full of electricity. He had hesitated once, as his lips fell on hers, but then no more. He simply took her mouth; he demanded and she gave, and he demanded more. Still she gave. Would have given him anything he asked for.

He did not know where he stopped and she began. Didn't want to. She moved against him, her body pressed the length of him and the response of his own body was instantaneous. His hands left her face and moved down her body. Parts of her he'd thought to touch in dreams that tortured him, woke him breathless and frustrated, were under his hands. Her head fell back, his lips moved over her neck, collarbone. He pulled impatiently at the neck of her gown. Moved lower, to her breasts. Her knees dipped, arms wound around his neck.

There was a soft urgent sound in her ears. Lou suddenly recognized that they came from her. They seemed to be Jimmy's undoing as he suddenly just picked her up and bore her across the stable, pinning her back to the wall with his body.

His mouth sought hers again, and her fingers were at the buttons of his shirt, her cool hands sliding across his chest, followed by her lips. His fingers gathered the material of her dress, inched it up her body. It seemed never-ending, as if he'd never find skin.

Lou was lost. Caught up in the flood of Jimmy, her passion for him, her grief at his parting, the possibility that she'd never see him again. Tears spilled down her burning cheeks. Her hands twined in his hair, pulling him closer to her. Closer still.

His hand was suddenly touching her thigh and she could think of nothing but him.

Lou would never know how far it might have gone between then if it hadn't been for the sudden and violent lurch of the baby between them. It might not have stopped her, for she'd gone so far past sanity in her blind desire that she didn't think she could pull herself back to good sense or decency, even if the result would have been akin to lighting a match to everything she held dear in the world.

But the effect on Jimmy, so confronted with the fact that Lou was not his after all, was no less sobering than a torrent of icy water raining on his head.

 _Kid's child. Kid's wife._

Jimmy leapt backwards, had to physically tear himself away from Lou's touch, unable to bother himself with making sure she stayed upright as he let her quickly back down to earth. She swayed backwards into the wall, holding herself there with both hands as if fighting to stay standing.

"Jesus, Lou. _Jesus_ ," he said over and over again, bending at the waist and catching his breath. His heart thundered in his ears. It was desire, it was terror. Terror that he'd just irrevocably destroyed everything that was important to him.

She said nothing, and when he lifted his hand to look at her, his hands still braced on his trembling knees, she was still standing against the wall. The back of her hand was pressed to her lips. He could still see an expanse of creamy skin above the neckline of her gown. He tore his eyes from the sight of that skin, afraid he'd charge her again, baby or no baby. Her hair was wild from his fingers, her eyes wilder still.

They looked at each other, breaths coming in gasps. Neither could acknowledge what had just happened. Neither could they deny it.

His legs suddenly gave out and Jimmy fell upon his knees. "Forgive me, Lou. I'm sorry. So sorry."

Lou knew where the blame lay, and it wasn't with the man in front of her. She'd have to face the multiple layers of wrong she'd done later. For now, the most important, the only important thing to her was to assuage Jimmy of his guilt.

She went to him, kneeled with him in the dust of the stable. She didn't touch him-there was still too much heat running between them for them both not to be burned if she did.

"Jimmy, it was me. I moved first. It was me."

"You didn't owe me that, Lou. Not that."

"Do you think that's what that was, Jimmy? Me paying a debt?" her voice was suddenly dangerous.

Jimmy picked up his head and watched her for a moment, still distracted by the low neck of the dress, damning himself when he recognized it. Her eyes were blazing, her lips swollen, her cheeks flushed, with shame or heat, he didn't know. She'd never looked more beautiful to him. He recognized what was in her and knew that what had just happened had nothing to do with any sense of indebtedness she felt towards him. They had simply acknowledged what had always been between them, dangerously close to the surface, just waiting to be uncovered.

Slowly, he shook his head. "No, Lou, I don't think that is what it was."

"Good. This isn't your fault. Do you understand?"

"Who else?"

"Me. It was _my fault_ ," Lou growled. Jimmy let it go. It hardly mattered. It was done.

"What do we do about it, Lou?"

"I don't know. Oh God. I don't know. If you hadn't pulled away, Jimmy...I don't think I would have stopped. I would have hurt everyone I loved and I didn't care. I wouldn't have stopped until it was too late."

"It's not already too late?" Jimmy asked.

Lou's tortured eyes met his. "Is it? Do you forgive me?"

"Forgive you?"

"I played a whore just now, Jimmy."

"Stop it. I wouldn't let anyone else talk about you that way, and I ain't letting you either. Lou, it wasn't intentional. It just...happened. We were in a strange place in our heads, both of us. Do you want to tell Kid? The others?"

"I don't know...what do you think? I can't pretend it didn't happen, Jimmy. Not this time."

"I sure as hell can't pretend it didn't happen either, and I'll have to come to terms with that, and so will you, I know. But Lou, things with Kid ain't as they should be...and may not be for some time. He ain't himself, and you've been left cold for far too long Lou. But you know he loves you. He'll come back to you when he can, Lou. You're too powerful a force to be denied. I should know. He'll never understand what just happened between us...not with his damnable honor...but you cannot be blamed for this, Lou."

She raised her eyes again and studied him.

He continued, "but what just happened Lou-it can never happen again. I can't live with it if it does, and neither can you, I know. I don't even think we should speak of it again...not if we are to remain in each other's lives. And I don't want to think about you not being in my life, Lou."

Tears fell down her face. " _Jimmy…_ " her voice was unsure.

"We decide this now, Lou. If you disagree...if you want to tell them, then we go to the house right now and we do it together and I take my share of the responsibility for what just happened. You are not shouldering this alone."

He meant it, she saw. What would Kid's reaction be? She was surprised to discover how angry she was at Kid. She hadn't realized it until right now, but she was furious. The small part of her wanted to throw this in his face, just to see if he'd react, if he cared, if she could break through his wall of indifference. And if he did react? He'd probably call Jimmy out. And Jimmy would let himself be shot before he drew on Kid after what had happened. At the very least the friendship between them would be severed once and for all because she'd tried to prove something.

She'd proved nothing but that what was between her and Jimmy was more volatile, and powerful, and frightening than anything she'd felt before. Damn her for a fool.

"It has to be your way, Jimmy. We don't speak of it again."

Jimmy nodded and stood on unsteady legs, offering his hand to her. She hesitated, then took it, feeling her heart thunder at the contact of his fingers. Unable to bear it any longer, Jimmy reached and adjusted her dress to better cover her. Her heart skipped altogether when his fingers brushed her and she jumped as if burned.

A rueful, painful smile crossed his lips and he shook his head in surprise at what there was there between them.

 _God damn you_ , he wanted to tell her in the moment, f _or not choosing me._ It was unfair, because he'd never given her the choice, and even if he had, her heart was for Kid and always had been. It would be again, when the war and the grief wore off of them. _God damn me._

"Jimmy...you'll come back...out west after the war. You'll find us?"

He wished he could walk away. Probably would be best for all of them if he did. But he smiled at her. "I think we both know I can't say no to you. Yeah, I'll see you at home. After the war. I have a niece or nephew I'll want to meet, you know."

She smiled, hand unconsciously straying to her stomach. The smile dropped off her lips. "Jimmy, if anything happens to you…"

"Nothing's going to happen to me, darlin. What's that they say about the good dying young?" His lips brushed her forehead, barely touching her.

Tears filled her eyes anew at that, because he wasn't just good. He was great. One of the greatest men she'd ever known. "You aren't leaving right now? You'll both say goodbye?"

It was the hardest thing he'd done so far in a fairly hard life, but he nodded his head and promised he'd tell her a proper goodbye. She left him there in the stables, and he saw that her legs were unsteady as she walked away from him. Everything in him did not want her to go.

* * *

Late that night, they all gathered in the parlor, with the exception of the Monroes. It was almost painful for Lou to look at Jimmy. Everyone but Lou was shocked to hear that Jimmy and Cody were leaving, to join up. The discussion was heated.

"No you don't!" Teaspoon began, "We had a deal."

"Teaspoon! There are good men dying! We can't just sit here and let them fight our fight!" Cody said, "After Gettysburg, the army is still going to need more troops. I've taken as much leave as I can, and I have to go back. If we wait, then the war may be over, and how will we live with ourselves?

"Much easier to live with yourself if you ain't dead," Buck observed.

Jimmy shook his head, "You know that ain't true Buck."

"Weren't you the one that always said I was too anxious to get blood on my hands, Jimmy?" Kid asked, "Now you're gonna go do the same?"

Jimmy nodded, "I-We couldn't do it before Kid. Not knowing you were out there fighting. But now, we ain't got no excuse not to go. It's our duty. We owe it to Noah. Hell, the war is won, but we have to see it through now."

"No you don't!" Teaspoon growled, "You think Noah would want you two to die out there on a battlefield? You think all the work will be done when the North wins? Because, you are right: the North is gonna win boys. Gettysburg just nailed the coffin lid shut on the Confederacy. Now, the only question is how long the South will struggle before crying for mercy. And when this war is over, the real work begins, and the United States is going to need men like you who can think and reason, to put her back together. Enough boys have died."

"Teaspoon, we have to do this. We owe it to our country, even if not to Noah, and the boys that have already died."

"Think about Catherine, Jimmy! I know something's going on between you two! Do you want to leave her now? She's just lost her brother," Buck tried.

Lou felt her cheeks heat, hoped no one else noticed.

Jimmy met her eyes briefly, then looked to Buck, "Catherine and I aren't in love. We're friends, but that's it. And I knew before I met Catherine that I was going to go fight. She knows that too."

"You can't keep running from every woman you might love, Jimmy," Buck growled.

Lou closed her eyes, fighting tears.

"I don't," he fired back with purpose, meeting her eyes again briefly. She faltered at the intensity of what was in his gaze and dropped her own stare as tears started down her cheeks.

Late that night, Jimmy and Cody sat on their horses and smiled bravely down at Teaspoon, Buck, and Kid, who clasped their hands one last time.

"It's hell out there boys," Kid said softly to them, "Stick together."

"We will," they said in unison.

"I hear Grant may need a few good scouts. You boys would do well at that," Teaspoon said huskily. He was getting much too old for these goodbyes, he decided, "Try that. It'll keep you out of the thick of it."

Jimmy and Cody nodded. "We will, Teaspoon," Cody promised.

"Well then, I guess you'd better get going. You'll want to get as far out of Virginia tonight as you can," Teaspoon said, "Ride North, ride Safe."

Jimmy looked at Kid, found it hard to meet his eyes. "Kid, take care of Lou. She needs you, now. Let her take care of you too. You owe that to me. To each other."

Kid might have bristled, but he could see Jimmy's pain and Jimmy's worry to be leaving them. "I'll try to do better."

Tears were gathering in Jimmy's eyes, guilt and grief and gratitude choking him.

"Ride Safe, my boys," Teaspoon whispered to them, tears flowing freely down his face.

"We still remember your bag of tricks, Teaspoon. Don't bury us just yet," Cody grinned.

Buck laughed out loud, "Hey, Cody, you got to come back…you still…"

"I know, I know. I still owe you money."

"I'm good for it," Cody reassured them and grinned slightly at Jimmy, "Ready, Hickok?"

"Let's ride," Jimmy responded.

Jimmy wasn't sure why he pulled his horse to a stop at the top of the rise to look back at the house. It wasn't as if he'd formed any real attachment to the Southern Manor. Except one.

A movement in a window caught his eye, and a wave of regret washed over him as he caught sight of pale yellow hair in the moonlight. A similar movement in another window made him sigh as well.

Two women, different as night and day, both disappointed in him beyond all measure because he was going to fight. One, he'd left without really saying goodbye. The other...God he didn't know what to do about the other now.

He'd never be able to let the second one go, he knew. That made being what he needed to for the first impossible.

With a sigh, he nodded to Cody, and together they went to join the fray.


	19. Chapter 18: The Way Back Home

Chapter 18: The Way Back Home

Kid slowly straightened his back and wiped the sweat off his brow. He glanced down at his bare chest, also slick with sweat and shook his head. He loved Virginia dearly, but he didn't care for the humidity of the summers. Especially when digging holes for fence posts.

He swung his head slowly, attempting to stretch the tight muscles of his neck and shoulder. Scar tissue had formed over his shoulder wound, and though it was healed, the tissue was too tight and often caused him discomfort.

From her spot under the shade of a huge oak tree, Lou watched him sadly. His back was to her, and she knew he thought she was busy with her mending, or he never would have let on that his shoulder was bothering him. The scar tissue was a deep pink, turned even more so by the sweltering August sun. It was quite a contrast to his healthy brown skin.

Lou sighed and shifted uncomfortably. Her back was killing her today. It usually did, but today the pain was sharper, and more persistent. She turned back to her mending reluctantly. It was practically all that she could do anymore. She would have preferred hard labor, she thought, and then with a slight twitch of her lips realized Kid would have preferred that as well.

At least then she would have been too tired to argue with him.

In the last month, they had made overtures towards each other, towards companionship again. Kid was still plagued by nightmares, and she knew at the heart of the matter, he was plagued with the fear he'd hurt her in the grip of them, but in the daylight hours, he tried. He tried with what she recognized as his whole heart to come back to her, to be himself.

She was plagued by guilt over what had happened with Jimmy, plagued with the decision to talk to Kid about it or just let it be. She and Jimmy had been weak at the same time, in the same place, and at the wrong moment. Jimmy held a piece of her heart, she could never ever deny that, but Kid...Kid was her soul. Kid was home. And she wanted nothing more than to have him back, the husband she'd only had for a little while before the war destroyed them. She didn't think she deserved it.

But, these days, she was the slightest bit hopeful it was possible. They could talk again. Ever so slowly, he would reach for her hand as they walked in the twilight hours by the river. The other night, he'd leaned in and kissed her lips softly as she went upstairs to her bed.

Her guilt over what had happened though, when Kid had not been Kid and she had been maybe too much Lou, and Jimmy had been too much Jimmy, ate at her. She was hesitant to end their cautious peace, but she wasn't sure she had it in her not to be forthright with Kid, no matter what she'd promised Jimmy.

She worried about Jimmy and Cody. They'd not heard from them since that night they rode off, after Gettysburg. It was no real cause for alarm, because communication was practically shut down in the South. They were lucky to hear of major battles within a few weeks after they were fought. She hated them for their honor, and yet, she loved them for that same trait.

At least Buck had stayed out of it, she thought. And Jonathan hadn't gone back to the Union. She sometimes wondered if he wanted to, if he would have if he hadn't betrayed his cause for her.

She never asked him. After his brother's funeral, she dared not. The death of Robert, the brother he'd never made peace with had changed him. While Catherine had grieved and sobbed and fainted when the body was delivered home, (unusual occurrence and nearly unheard of, especially after a slaughter like Gettysburg. But Robert Monroe had served Lee well, and his body had been delivered with a note of sympathy from the head of the Confederate Army himself) she had recovered.

Jonathan, except for the time he'd passed out when he'd first discovered Robert's death, had not reacted violently at all. There had been no tears from him at the funeral. Lou knew he hadn't grieved, hadn't allowed himself the luxury. The guilt he felt at having never righted the wrongs between him and Robert was slowly eating him away. He turned thin and pale, rarely smiled, and always looked blankly through anyone. No one, not even his concerned sister, dared breach the subject of Robert more than once with him.

Lou shuddered suddenly, despite the heat. It wasn't so long ago that Kid and Jimmy had been on similar terms as Jonathan and his brother. If something had happened to one of them, it would have destroyed the other. She was happy that Jimmy and Kid had made their peace, which again brought up her doubts about disturbing it.

"What are you looking so thoughtful about?" Kid asked suddenly from above her, and a second later was sprawled on the ground beside her.

"Just thinking about you and Cody and Jimmy," Lou said quietly, "And Jonathan. How it changed him, his brother dying the way things were between them."

Kid sighed, and winced as he reached to scratch the scarred area on his shoulder. He sighed and shivered in satisfaction when Lou moved to draw her blunt nails across his skin for him.

"Yeah, I thought about that before too. Lucky, weren't we?" Kid said quietly.

"I don't know if I'd call everything that's happened lucky…but it is lucky that you saw through your differences."

"How do you feel today?" Kid wondered, noticing that Lou's face looked pale, her skin a bit clammy.

"I'm fine," She said, "Just a little under the weather."

He didn't miss the sudden wince that crossed her face and Kid was on his feet instantly, "Come on, let's get you inside. You don't need to be out here in this heat."

"It isn't any cooler in the house!" Lou snapped, tired of her prison.

"Well, I want you in bed. I think we need to send for the doctor," Kid said, his voice worried, "You don't look well, Lou."

"I'm fine, Kid…" Lou protested verbally, but offered no physical resistance as Kid all but lifted her to her feet.

He set his arm firmly around her shoulders when she found her knees wobbly as he began leading her to the house.

She muttered all the way up about how she was tired of her bed, but Kid would listen to no argument. At the foot of the steps he placed a kiss on her forehead, called for Catherine to keep an eye on her, and pointed to the stairs.

"Up you go," He insisted. "I'll come check on you later."

Lou sighed and growled again, but reluctantly began the ascent, well aware that Kid's eyes were boring into her back. As another pain struck her hard, she paused, and thought that maybe Kid was right. Maybe she should rest, after all.

Suddenly, lights flashed before her eyes, mingled with darkness, and a gripping pain took hold of her and didn't pass. She swayed for a minute.

When Kid saw Lou stop dead cold, he took a step toward her. He called her name when she began wobbling, and had just reached the foot of the stairs when she collapsed altogether, sliding down three stairs before Kid dove upwards to stop her from falling any further.

"Catherine! Get Buck to ride for a doctor!" He shouted as he turned her over, and saw she'd gone ghostly pale, "Hurry!"

Catherine appeared on the foyer, eyes wide. "What is going on? Is she alright?"

"I don't think so," Kid answered in a panicked voice, "Go! Get Buck now!"

Wordlessly, she turned to obey, mouth a thin line of worry that added to his anxiety.

"Lou, Lou, what's wrong? Can you hear me?" Kid nearly shouted, brushing her damp hair from her forehead, "Sweetheart…what is wrong?"

Kid gently reached to sweep her up, staggering slightly under the boneless weight in his still weakened state. He kicked the door open to her room and lay her on the bed, drawing back in horror when he felt something warm and sticky on his arm. At first, he thought her water had broken and felt slight relief. It was labor pains, he assured himself.

He glanced down at his arm, and instead found bright red blood covering it.

"Oh God, please," Kid whispered and paced back and forth once above her bed, unsure of what to do.

With no idea how to help his wife, who was lying so very still on the bed that he'd left, when he'd wanted nothing more than to be with her, rediscovering them, Kid did the only thing he could do.

He prayed.

* * *

"Kid, please, it will be easier if you go…" Catherine gently urged him, "We'll take care of her, and if there is any change we'll send for you right…"

She stopped abruptly when Kid turned an icy blue stare on her and sighed, "Alright. But you have to stay out of Lucinda's way."

Kid eyed the large black woman who bent over his wife with mistrust. Buck had ridden for the doctor, but town was an hour away. Although Lucinda had lived at Monroe hall all her life, and been a midwife for most of it, Kid wasn't sure he trusted the woman to care for Lou.

Teaspoon stood at the window, watching for the doctor. Jonathan sat downstairs, drinking brandy and looking more withdrawn than normal.

Lou lay on the bed silently, giving no clue as to why she'd lost consciousness so quickly.

"'It's bad," Kid heard Lucinda whisper to Catherine, "The babe is turned badly, and she's too small to bear it. Too small. The blood...I think the birth sack is becoming detached."

"You fix it!" Kid suddenly heard himself shouting as if he'd stepped outside of his own body, "You get the baby turned! She can't lose this child."

"Be lucky if the child is all she loses," Lucinda muttered under her breath, turning back to her work.

"Kid!" Teaspoon intercepted the younger man who was on his way to throttle the midwife and shoved him roughly against the wall, "That ain't going to help."

"This woman doesn't know what she's doing! Teaspoon, we need a real doctor!"

Catherine looked over to Kid, "Kid, Lucinda's delivered more babies than most doctors have."

"Slave babies," Kid snapped, anxiety overtaking his good nature.

"Kid!" Teaspoon admonished, at the same time Lucinda actually chuckled and said, "Been my experience black and white people come into the world the same way. Leave it the same way too."

Kid's shoulders sagged and he dropped his head in shame, "I'm sorry, Lucinda. Don't know why I said that."

"You ain't the first Daddy say somethin' he didn't mean worryin' for his family. Won't be the last," the midwife shrugged, and added gently, "it is how nature intended it to be."

"Buck will be back soon, son. She'll be alright. She's a tough one." Teaspoon soothed Kid, but the older man was gray with worry.

Lucinda cast a doubtful look at Teaspoon over her shoulder, but the look in both men's eyes stopped her from commenting. Shaking her head, she turned back to her patient.

* * *

A high pitched roar filled Lou's ears, and she shook her cloudy head to escape it. Suddenly, she awoke with a start, and realized the sound was that of her own hoarse voice, screaming in pain.

Like the delayed sound of a gunshot from a distance, the pain that hit Lou was not present immediately. However, in seconds she felt she was being cleaved asunder and another scream of pain tore from her lips, as her wide eyes suddenly fixed on the ceiling.

She felt tears in her eyes when Kid looked over her. Tears were coursing down his own cheeks and he was white as a ghost.

 _I must be dying_ She thought quietly.

"Lou, honey…" Kid's voice was choked with repressed sobs, "Lou, you're gonna be fine."

Lou watched him with a detached sort of interest.

She tried to lift her hand to wipe his tears, but it was too heavy, and the effort exhausted her.

Laborously, she formed words that were so faint Kid had to lean close to her face to hear them. His tears dropped on her face and mixed with her own on their journey to the pillow under her weak head.

"Kid," the word was little more than a release of air, "Kid, save the baby. Make sure he is alright."

"Don't you talk like that Lou! You are both going to be fine!" Kid's voice trembled in rage.

"No…I don't think we are Kid. I don't think we're both going to pull through this…but I don't care. I've been lucky. I've had you. Now, I want to give you Jamie. I love you."

Kid shrieked as her eyes started to close, and put both hands on her cheeks slapping them urgently.

Tiredly, she turned her stare up to his.

"No! I'm not doing this without you! The baby needs a mother, by God, you have never obeyed me before but you are gonna now! You're not leaving me now, Lou! You are not! I am you husband for Christ's sake."

Lou smiled slightly at him, "That's the first time you've fussed at me in months."

Kid stopped suddenly, and met her eyes in amazement. Slowly, a shocked smile spread across his lips. He leaned down and brushed her forehead with his smile, his face crumpling into another sob as he whispered hoarsely, "Any more talk of leaving me and I'll do more than fuss. I'll beat you within an inch of your life."

"Kid...I gotta tell you something. Before Jimmy left...I kissed him. It was me, not him, Kid. I kissed him...because I didn't think you were ever coming back to me."

Kid's pale face turned paler as he paused above her, eyes gone wide in shock.

"Kid, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I ruined us. I ruined our family," her already weakened form shook with sobs as fresh tears came down her cheeks.

He leaned close to her, put gentle hands on each of her cheeks, and held her still as he kissed her lips. "We ain't ruined, Lou. We were both a little broken...maybe we still are. Now, Lou, now I have you again and I ain't letting you go, Lou. You hear me? So I'm gonna need you to be strong right now."

"You forgive me?" She asked, arching her back as another pain struck her. It was nothing compared to the pain in her heart when she saw how deeply the revelation had hurt him. She couldn't leave him with a lie though.

"Damn it, Lou. You think there's anything you could do that would make me stop loving you?"

Teaspoon watched the whole display with tears running in the sun weathered creases of his face. His eyes reluctantly darted to the blood stained sheets and gown, to the unhealthy gray color of Lou's face. Fuss as Kid might, Lou was weakening by the minute.

"No! Lou! Stay awake! Stay with me!" Kid's frantic voice made Teaspoon quickly look back to them, Kid now on his feet and bent frantically over her.

His hands were again at her cheeks, slapping them lightly, then harder as she didn't respond.

Teaspoon quickly went to Kid's side and pushed the boy back, knowing that his touch was growing rough in his hysteria.

Kid struggled with all his might and nearly knocked Teaspoon down, screaming and reaching hands for Lou. Teaspoon shook him hard and his eyes bore into Kid's as he voiced a truth the young man didn't want to hear, "You can't help her, Kid! There's nothing you can do!"

Kid's cry was piercing, and echoed through the large walls of the house.

Lou awoke with a start at the same time, and her scream of an altogether different type of pain joined her husband's.

"Do something for her!" Kid shouted suddenly at Lucinda, the midwife, "Stop her pain!"

"There's nothing to stop the pain, mister," She replied, unperturbed. She'd seen too many similar scenes to get worked up at this one, "It'll be over soon."

Kid didn't know if she meant the pain or Lou's life, and he didn't dare ask.

Another raw cry from Lou filled the room, sending the hair on the back of Kid's neck straight up.

Catherine threw down the rag she'd been using to wipe off Lou's face, "By God, he'll just have to do it!" She exclaimed and without any word of explanation ran from the room.

Lou was screaming and thrashing in the throes of another splitting pain when Catherine reemerged, triumphantly dragging Jonathan behind her.

Both were tight lipped and flushed, obviously having just finished a brief but heated argument.

"Jonathan was a doctor before the war. He can help," Catherine finally said.

"He's drunk!" Kid growled.

"I'm not drunk," Jonathan said, rather dryly, and visibly paled as he saw Lou lying on the bed, "But this would be a hell of a lot easier if I was."

"You wanna tell us why the Hell you've been sitting downstairs this whole time while my wife was screaming in pain and bleeding to death! What kind of doctor are you?"

"None anymore. I _was_ a doctor. And not a good one."

"Yes he was! He was a brilliant doctor! He just lost his nerve when his wife died. There was nothing he could have done to help," Catherine supplied slowly.

"How did his wife die?" Teaspoon asked, although the answer seemed plain from Jonathan's behavior today.

"In childbirth," Jonathan supplied before Catherine could respond, "And there wasn't a damn thing I could do, with all my training, to save either one of them."

"And this time?" Kid asked, his fingers twining in Lou's damp hair as she fell silent again.

Lucinda snorted in doubt.

"This time?" Jonathan repeated, and sat at the foot of the bed to begin his examination, "This time, we'll see."

It wasn't the answer he'd hoped for, but he was more optimistic than Lucinda, and Kid decided to latch onto that lukewarm confidence with everything he had.

* * *

The room grew silent as Jonathan worked and sweated and cursed and prayed. His hands moved with deftness that left no doubt to Kid nor Teaspoon that he had, in fact, been a skilled doctor at one time, before his confidence left him.

Although his face was chalky white and pinched, he didn't hesitate. He knew what to do, Kid saw, but he also saw that he feared it wouldn't be enough.

Lou drifted in and out of consciousness, staying out for longer periods of time as night fell. Candles were lit in the room. Buck returned, after hours of searching for the doctor with no luck. Jonathan met his return with a stoic resolve. It would have to be him then. There was no one else.

Painful images of another woman lying on a similar bed down the hall flashed across his mind. A woman with hair the color of flames and eyes the color of the sky. _Melanie_ , he thought, closing his eyes and placing a hand on Lou's leg to ground himself. A woman who had died with the promise that he'd save their child. He'd broken that promise as well.

 _Not this time,_ he thought quietly. If he couldn't save both of them, he vowed to save at least one.

* * *

Dawn was streaking the sky the next morning when the most welcome sound in the world filled the room.

A lusty cry of protest from a pair of small, but healthy lungs. Kid broke into sobs as Catherine handed him the bundle.

"A boy," she smiled softly, "Lou said it would be a boy."

"What about Lou?" Kid asked, amazed eyes leaving the baby's furious face for the first time.

Jonathan sighed, looked at his patient, and searched for words to explain that she barely clung to her life now. There were no words, he knew, and so he shrugged silently. He'd done all he could for both of them. He'd kept his vow that one would survive, and while he prayed for the other, he knew how small the chances were that she'd recover. The big baby had simply nearly split her in two in his way out of her small body.

He closed his eyes and pictured Louise McCloud the first time he'd seen her, standing there with fires of rage in her eyes, and the strength of an army in her heart. If anyone could pull through, this spirited woman could, he thought. But there were simply limitations of the human body. And with the exception of ghosts, spirits could not, in the end, defy the body.

Wordlessly, Jonathan began the process of tending to Lou, knowing asking Kid to leave the room was a waste of breath.

Kid, seeing the negative prognosis from Jonathan, sat down in his chair with the baby held at arm's length from him.

Beautiful, was his first thought. He shook his head in amazement and felt his heart beat faster. He was a father. This child was blood of his blood. Every instinct in his body wanted to protect the odd little red person in his hands.

But at what price had this child been given to him? He looked at his mother, her breathing shallow and pained, bruises of exhaustion dark under her eyes.

The sheets and piles of linen on the floor about the room looked like a massacre had occurred.

The woman he'd loved with all his heart, the only woman he could ever love, was near dying because of this tiny child. He knew it wasn't the babe's fault in his heart of hearts, but he was so conflicted. Had he wasted his last months with his wife being too careful, thinking too much? Had he wasted the only years he was to have loving her by killing men because of a uniform they wore? It seemed that this was his punishment for his sins. He'd never imagine it would be Lou to atone for them.

Kid didn't know whether to drop the child in disgust, or bring him close to his body and wrap himself around this miracle that he and Lou had created.

In the end, he did neither.

He held his son at a distance, and alternately looked at the tiny perfection of his form and the woman who had made him fighting for her life.


	20. Chapter 19: Hope Rising

Chapter 19: Hope Rising

The baby slept soundly, but his father did not. His vigil remained uninterrupted by sleep, food, or conscious thought, other than that for the woman he watched.

He now sat on the edge of her bed, the warm bundle in his arms giving him endless comfort, as he gazed down at her ashen face; the ashen face that had not changed much in two days.

"He's beautiful Lou. He's got your nose, I think, the shape of your face. His eyes are blue, like mine, but Catherine told me almost all babies have blue eyes. He has tons of hair. It's darker than mine, more like yours. Got your temperament too. Stubborn. I named him James Noah McCloud, like we talked about..." Kid's voice broke as he remembered her confession about Jimmy. It had been one of the last things she'd said to him. "I'm calling him Jamie, Lou. That's what you called him before you...before you went away…"

He paused for a minute, his throat too tight to go on, then continued hoarsely, "Lou, please be stubborn right now. Don't give up. Your son, he needs you. So do I."

Kid bowed his head and sobbed again, the heaving of his body upsetting the baby. In moments, father and son wailed together.

* * *

It seemed a long way upward, was her only conscious thought. It was as if she'd dived into a lake, and swam too deep before turning back for air. She was sure she would never make it through the surface. From below the water she could see the outline of the sun clearly, hopelessly far above. She stopped struggling for a moment, and instantly felt herself sink slightly, saw the sun above her become more obscure, more unattainable, felt the weightless, soundless water wrap around her and tug her gently below.

She fought for a moment, but closed her eyes, blocking out the sun altogether and sank again.

* * *

Jonathan sighed and shook his head, putting his elbows on the bed and bringing both hands up to massage his forehead. There had been other doctors in the past two days, but they'd merely shaken their heads and told him there was nothing to be done. She would wake, or not. She had lost too much blood to recover, or not. Time would tell.

It wasn't an answer he could accept. _Damn her,_ he thought viciously, _Damn her for breaking me out of my shell and making me care. Damn her for being so much like Melanie. Damn her for not waking up._

He'd been perfectly content to withdraw behind the wall he'd built when Melanie died; built up higher after his brother's death. It was so easy to sip whiskey until their faces became a blur and he fell onto his pillow without a care or nightmare. But he couldn't erase Lou's face, not now when her survival depended on him.

"What's the trouble there girl?" He finally said, resolving himself once again to discover how to help her, "Why not just wake up and face the world?"

As usual, there was no response from her.

With a sigh, he gently picked up James from his cradle and inspected him. The baby watched him with equal curiosity. Perfectly healthy, for all his trouble coming into the world. _How_ , Jonathan wondered, _can something so small steal the life so quickly from a woman_?

"Your mother's a bit under the weather," He heard himself tell the infant softly, with a careful glance at Kid, who was staring absently out the window, "But she'll be awake to give you a proper welcome soon enough."

Putting the drowsy baby down, he turned back to Louise.

"My dear, you have two anxious men here waiting for you to wake up. More than that really. They are all crazy with worry. I'm worried. Please wake up."

He sighed, and turned to leave Kid with her. So, this was the result of all his medical training. He had to resort to pleading with his patients to wake up again.

Kid's bloodshot eyes turned to Jonathan in question.

Jonathan shook his head to indicate there was still no change. "You should get some sleep Kid. I'll watch her for a bit."

"I'm not going to sleep until she wakes up."

"Kid, you know, there is the chance she won't wake up," Jonathan said gently, trying to prepare Kid for what most of the physicians had seemed to consider the likely outcome.

Kid looked at him with eyes that brought a ripple of gooseflesh over Jonathan's skin.

"Then I'll sleep soon enough as well."

* * *

Again, there was the surface, so impossibly far, yet seemingly inches from her fingertips. There was no real thought, only a feeling of rising, of struggle.

And there was pain, and weariness. Things she didn't feel at the bottom of the abyss.

She allowed the restful darkness to pull on her for a minute, so tired of fighting, but then bravely kicked upward, wanting desperately to break the surface, to have air in her lungs again. There was something she needed to face, something she needed to know definitively.

It became almost a flight from the deep, a struggle to escape dark tendrils of comfort that laced about her legs and welcomed her back, away from the uncertain surface.

Lou was aware, quite suddenly, that it wasn't water she was escaping, but unconsciousness, but that the surface of reality was far more frightening.

 _The baby_ she thought with devastation. It had been too soon, she was sure, and could briefly recall hellish moments of consciousness with the pain in her body great enough for her to wish for death. Had it all been for nothing?

The desperate need to know balanced the reluctance to find out, and for another moment she lay there, eyes closed tightly, at war with herself.

Finally, she took a deep breath and opened her eyes to the light.

The ceiling was even fancy in the Monroe's mansion, she thought idly, as she stared at the looping patterns in the plaster. Already, she was exhausted, but the need to know something of what had happened kept her eyes peeled wide.

She fought to turn her head to the side.

She spotted them by the window. _Kid_ she cried out the name in her mind, but she was too weak yet to speak. Nor did she wish to interrupt the beautiful scene. For in her husband's arms was a bundle of blue. She could just see a tiny hand waving, free from the blanket, and reaching out to secure a hold of Kid's nose. He bent his head obligingly, while the baby's hand touched his father's face, hand waving wildly over the plains Lou herself knew so well.

Lou felt the weariness start to pull her in, and her eyes start to flutter, but then Kid jerked himself around, as if she'd spoken, though there had been no sound from her.

"Lou!" His voice was a shriek, and the baby emitted a similar sound.

She was very tired, but she forced her sleepy eyes to remain open a bit longer. Tears spilled down Kid's face, a face that had gone bone white.

"Lou, thank God! Lou, can you hear me?"

A slight nod on her part assured him that she could.

"Tired," She said, as her eyes focused on the baby. Immediately, Kid lay him down on the bed next to her, as he had done many times in the past two days, hoping to rouse her with his presence.

Tears overflowed her own eyes as she looked at her son, now squirming at her side, unhappy not to be in his father's arms any longer. He looked at her, wrinkled his nose and started to cry.

"Meet your son. James Noah McCloud."

Lou's smile was as radiant as a smile could be coming from what had been seconds ago, a death bed.

"So beautiful," She murmured, with great effort moving a hand to touch the downy crown of brown hair on James' head. "I love you."

Her eyes were looking into Kid's now, and he leaned down to kiss her forehead.

"Thank you for my son," He said, and choked on the words as he placed his hand over the one that rested on the baby's head.

"Son," Lou murmured with satisfaction, "told you."

"A mother knows," Kid agreed, "I love you, Lou!"

Lou smiled, blinded by tears, unable to fight the lump in her throat to find any words.

"Rest," Kid told her softly, "We'll be here when you wake up again."

"I don't want to, I want to hold the bab-…"

Kid smiled as she drifted back to sleep with a ghost of a smile on her face before she could finish her sentence.

"See," He told James, picking the child up, and for the first time feeling no twinge of resentment at all towards the boy, "I told you your mother was stubborn. Let's go tell the others that she is maybe going to be all right."

* * *

And Lou was all right. For weeks she was bedridden, and Kid realized when she didn't even protest Jonathan's orders to stay practically immobile how very ill she'd been, and how close he'd come to losing her.

She slowly regained her color and her strength, although Jonathan warned her it could be months to a year before she was restored completely. The news that she would never have another child came as only a mild shock, and she was too thankful for James, and aware of her good fortune to have him, to be shattered by the news. She might at some point soon regret that she'd never again experience a child growing inside of her, but the memory of the pain and terror of it all was too fresh to grieve her now.

Kid was outright relieved at this knowledge. He never wanted that helpless dread to settle over him again, never wanted to watch Lou go through the pain of childbirth again. It was a relief to him that she had no say in the matter, and he told her as much when she worried that he'd want to give Jamie a brother or sister.

James too, grew rapidly. He was a funny little child, with a distinct personality. Surrounded by people who doted on him, he was a happy baby. Lou took infinite comfort in holding the small body close while he slept, in nursing him, in playing with him.

He was his father's child, and imagined that he'd look startlingly like Kid when he was grown. Even now, with the roundness and the incomplete bone structure, he bore a striking resemblance to Kid that everyone commented on.

His personality, however, Lou thought, might be more like her own. While pleasant most of the time, James did have a certain quicksilver temper and could scream himself hoarse if he so chose. Lou resorted to calling him "the beet" at times like these, and wondered if she herself looked like this when she was riled up.

She and Kid mended too, but slowly. He'd taken to sleeping in her room again. He didn't join her in their bed, but rather stayed on the chaise lounge, at first because she was so fragile and tired and needed her rest, but he wanted to be at her call should she need him. Then, even as she healed, he was still afraid to lay with her, afraid of the night terrors like the one he'd had the last time he'd slept in the bed with her. The dreams had receded significantly in the long days of exhaustion following Jamie's birth, but the memory of the bruises he'd put on Lou's neck months ago was still fresh to him and very painful.

And if he was being honest with himself, so was Lou's confession that she'd kissed Jimmy. He didn't blame her exactly, wasn't even that angry. But it hollowed out his chest and made his blood run cold to imagine it; to imagine Jimmy's hands on his wife and hers on him. He knew he should be equally mad at both of them, but Lou was still so pale and small, and he'd almost lost her in more ways than one. But Jimmy...his best friend. He didn't know the circumstances, didn't know if he wanted to, if knowing would make any difference. But he was tortured by imagining the scenarios of what could have happened, tired of trying to guess. Knew that he had to address it in some way before he could move forward completely.

He watched her one night when she was up late, nursing Jamie, eyes half shuttered but a drowsy smile on her lips as she watched the baby. She was so beautiful to him in the firelight with their child. So precious. He wanted her back. All of her. From his post across the room, he gathered his courage and he just asked her.

"Lou, what happened?"

She startled, having thought him asleep, and when she saw his face, she knew exactly what he was talking about.

"I-are you sure you want to know, Kid?"

"I don't know. I think so. I have to know. Not the fine details, but how the hell did it happen, Lou? I'm not...angry. Well, not much. But I need to know…" He was trying to keep his voice calm, neutral. He didn't want to lose any of the ground they had gained.

She nodded and sighed, "It's your right, Kid. But I ain't sure I even know how to explain it, although I been trying to think of how to tell you since it happened. Looking back, it was like another woman did it. I was hurting, Kid. The baby was growing in me and you just seemed so, I don't know, angry and distant and hopeless." She saw him flinch and sighed, "Kid, I ain't blaming you for it...and I ain't saying it to make you feel guilty. God knows you went through enough to deserve some time to sort through all that you were feeling…. I was too wrapped up in my own pain to be what you needed me to be. I was just so ready to get on with our life...pick up where we left off maybe. I'd missed you for so long, and here you were. And you still looked like you, and sounded like you, but you weren't you again. I wanted to get on with it. You know patience ain't exactly what I am known for. You'd just been through something terrible. So had I. It's just that I was so scared about the baby. And at the same time I was excited about him, and happy to have you safe...and you just weren't able to feel any of that…not yet."

"I just couldn't understand why you couldn't be happy to be with us. It felt like you couldn't even see me sometimes. It felt like what we were was just lost, that I wasn't enough for you to live for, that the baby wasn't either. And Jimmy...after all he'd done for you, and for me...I don't know. I didn't feel so alone when I was with him. He never did anything wrong, Kid...except he didn't refuse me that one time, that one moment. It wasn't that he was going behind your back, trying to make me choose him...in fact, everything he did, I think, was for both of us to find our way back to each other...but I was in a bad place. And when I knew he was gonna ride off to war, leaving me alone, and honest to God Kid, I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's how I felt then...alone...I don't know. I just went to him to tell him goodbye. And I kissed him. It was me, Kid. I went to him, not the other way around."

"He kiss you back?" Kid asked, voice still careful.

Lou sighed. She wanted to protect Jimmy, but she owed Kid the truth. "Yes. He did. We got carried away, Kid. For a moment. But Jimmy-it was Jimmy that pulled away. I don't know if or when I would have if he hadn't. You should know that he broke it off."

Kid dropped his head a minute, struggling with the image, struggling with the whole idea of it. "Did Jimmy want you to keep it a secret from me?"

Lou sighed. "Jimmy left it to me. Said whatever I thought was best. But he wanted to be with me to tell you if I'd decided to. At the time, I didn't know what was best. All those months, it ate at me, but we were getting closer again, and I just didn't want to destroy what we'd started building again."

"You can't build anything on a bed of lies, Lou," Kid murmured, but without heat.

"I know Kid," Lou returned, nodding. "I figure I got a lot of work to do, earning your trust back again. If you still want me..."

"Not wanting you ain't the problem, Lou. Never has been." Kid said, quietly, seeing the baby was asleep at her breast. "Hell, God knows though I hadn't been a husband to you for longer than I had. And I didn't know where to put my guilt and my anger over what happened at the prison, and I think I probably put it on you cause you were there. Easier to blame you than myself for leaving those men behind. Made me feel better to lash out when I was hurting so bad. I ain't proud of the way I acted neither, Lou. Jimmy was there for you when I wasn't. I don't think it's so crazy that you might have found some comfort there...and I'm trying to work through that Lou, and I take some responsibility for it...but it's just, damn it Lou. I am a man and I have my pride!"

A tear dropped off of Lou's bowed head and landed on Jamie's downy hair. "I'm so sorry I hurt you Kid."

"And I'm sorry I drove you to do it," Kid said and when Lou would have protested he held up a hand, "It's true, Lou. You ain't the kind of woman to go looking for someone else when you made vows to me. I know you, Lou. That's the hell of it. I'm trying to forgive you for hurting me and myself for hurting you too, Lou. We'll get through it. We just need time is all. Time and hope."

"And love," Lou added.

Kid met her eyes and for the first time didn't feel a stab of pain when he did so.

"And love," he agreed. "And that's something that I've never had in short supply around you, Lou."

* * *

Letters finally came from Jimmy and Cody, both of whom were scouting on the Western Front. The fighting was moving back to Virginia, and Lou felt slight dread at this, remembering all too painfully the sight of her old farmhouse burning to the ground and the Yankee soldiers hauling Kid away from her.

As the winter months rolled by, though, they had no trouble. Christmas was a merry affair, with Lou and Catherine fixing a truly remarkable feast, given the scarce food, and tiny trinkets passed from one to the other.

Late Christmas night, Lou and Kid lay curled together in front of the fireplace in their room, with James gleefully playing with a Christmas bow.

"I think this is happiness," Lou murmured finally, raising her head to kiss Kid's chin softly.

"Think so?" He smiled, and she felt him stifle a laugh as she playfully nibbled at his earlobe.

"Mmm-hmm," She purred, low in her throat, and moved slowly up to his mouth, kissing him firmly. Then she nodded towards Jamie. "You know, this is how we got in trouble with that one last year."

"I think I remember the process," Kid smiled and kissed her again, bringing a strong hand up to stroke her cheek and thread into her hair.

Something in the nature of the kiss suddenly changed from playful to urgent, and they both felt it. It was the most intimate they'd been since their farmhouse had been burned. And the lifetime of pain that had occurred since then suddenly loomed large over them.

Kid broke off, forehead against hers, pulse pounding in his throat. "Lou, are you sure? This is the first time since the baby…since everything...Are you really alright? Ready for this?" He finally asked, breathlessly.

Lou laughed quietly, tears in her eyes at the same time. She was afraid. Afraid he'd refuse her, that they couldn't find their way together again. "Am I not making myself clear here? Should I try harder?"

A soft smile curled Kid's lips, and his eyes sparkled with love and desire, free of shadows. "Yes," he said playfully, "I don't think I've gotten the message just yet. Try harder."

"All right," Lou agreed huskily, and kissed him again, lightly, teasingly, drawing back when he demanded more of her kiss.

Suddenly a soft snore from below them caused both of them to quickly put hands over their mouths, turning purple from holding in a bout of laughter. They couldn't meet eyes and not laugh loud enough to wake the sleeping child, so both of them watched Jamie, curled up with his bow, and his bottom stuck straight in the air.

"Like his father, he can sleep through anything," Lou grinned, and carefully got up to put the baby in his crib, returning to Kid's side by the fire in moments.

"Now, where were we?" She whispered, looking lovingly into her husband's eyes.

They went slow, they went hesitantly. They relearned the road to each other. They'd hurt each other badly in the last year, cut one another deep and raw with words and actions and choices made. But there was still a well of love between them, deep enough to drink from, and they did. And in each other's arms, they found forgiveness.

* * *

The winter was a long one, and food was not abundant, but the residents of Monroe Hall fared well, and the late spring brought promises of fresh food soon.

Lou leaned against the door and panted for a minute, and the effort of walking up from the garden had tired her considerably. She glanced out the window and down the hill at scene she'd just returned from, where Buck, Kid, Jonathan, Teaspoon, and Catherine all worked on planting the food that would see them through next winter.

With a start, Lou caught herself. _Next_ winter. Was it even possible that by next winter the war would be over, and they could go home? They'd been at Monroe Hall for nearly a year now. Would the war ever be over? Lou wondered. Teaspoon's prediction that the South wouldn't win the war seemed valid enough, but no one had counted on the fact that the people and army of the South would starve before giving up.

There had been war so long, she wondered if it would ever stop. Peace seemed a distant memory, even given the haven they'd found in Tidewater Virginia. It was so easy to feel safe, but also, so possible that any second it could be ripped away.

What kind of a world had she brought a child into? She thought with a grim face.

She sighed, stifling a yawn. James was nocturnal apparently, which consequently meant that she must be as well. He was also teething and grumpy this week. Lou never ceased to be amazed at Kid's ability to sleep right through the screaming and often resisted the urge to bring the screaming James to his father's ear and prop him there. She had a feeling it wasn't so much that Kid didn't hear James as it was he didn't wish to hear him and therefore pretended not to. If he didn't work so hard on the land during the day, Lou would have had a hard time allowing this to go on.

However, given the fact she was still too weak for most labor, which irritated her greatly, she went to her son at night. Despite her bloodshot glares at Kid's cheerful rising at dawn, she even secretly enjoyed their midnight strolls down the hall of the huge mansion; she made up stories about the green-eyed Monroes peering curiously at them from within their portrait frames.

Today, however, she was looking forward to a nap, much as James was enjoying at the moment.

Catherine had insisted that James have his own nursery, and the two women had a grand time decorating it during the short days of winter when cabin fever had seeped into everyone's bones.

James was now napping in his own crib, and there was nothing to stop her from doing the same.

A loud wail from the nursery was the death of that thought, and with a sigh, Lou slowly climbed the stairs to tend to her son. Tiredly, she pushed the door open, feeling her heavy lidded eyes turn in resignation toward the crib.

Suddenly, she stopped in her tracks, and her eyes were dull no longer. For directly in her line of vision was a pair of muddy boots, far too large to belong to her infant son. The cradle was also empty.

Her gaze snapped up the body of a thickly bearded and unkempt Confederate soldier, who was now looking at her with equal surprise, and who held the sniffling James under his arms. James let out another soft cry and reached for his mama.

Kid was bent over tugging at a particularly stubborn weed when he heard the sound he'd never forget.

He'd heard Lou scream before, in pain, in rage, in grief, in surprise, but never had a sound like this escaped her. It was more of a combination between a feral growl and a scream, and clearly a warning to whomever it was directed. The sound of it pierced the open window of the nursery and everyone in the garden straightened dumbly, looking toward the house.

Suddenly, Kid heard his son scream hoarsely, a sound much different than the bawling he pretended not to hear at night, and like a streak of lightning, he was off toward the house.


	21. Chapter 20: Song of the South

Chapter 20: Song of the South

Lou was never really sure when she decided she would kill the man with her bare hands if he didn't release her son at once, but she had a feeling he knew when the thought crossed her mind.

After a banshee-like sound erupted from her lips, she leapt forward.

When the man easily dodged her outstretched hands and retained his hold on James, Lou's voice was shrill, and not as threatening as she hoped, "Give me my son! Don't hurt him!"

At her shrieking, James had realized fully he had no recollection of the man holding him and started screaming in terror, a sound that drove like a fist into Lou's stomach.

"Give him to me!" She screamed in a panic, blinded by tears with her arms outstretched, "Give me my son! I'll kill you if you harm him! Give him to me now!"

She leapt for him again, and this time succeeded in wrenching the tiny figure from his hands. James still screamed as Lou pulled his trembling form to her body, holding him so tightly that he squirmed in discomfort.

Looking into her eyes, the man seemed to think better of advancing on her, and instead stood rooted by the cradle.

 _A lioness,_ he thought, _protecting her cub_. He found himself looking into her flaming, suddenly dry eyes. She seemed to draw strength from the boy in her arms, and drew herself up, more in possession of herself under his bold stare.

"Who the Hell are you!" She demanded angrily, inching toward the door, and turning sideways to put herself between her son and the stranger, her eyes however-those sharp, furious eyes-never left him.

"Who the Hell are you?" He returned, with equal outrage.

"Get out!" Lou suddenly growled, "Get out of this house right now!"

"You wait a damn minute," He shook his head and took a step toward her, brow furrowed in anger when Kid burst through the door. In a split second he observed his pale wife, clinging to their trembling son, and the man that had moved toward her, and stood between her and the cradle. He did not ask for explanations.

The man didn't really have time to react as Kid rushed him and tackled him hard, sending him falling backwards onto the cradle, and crushing it under his considerable weight.

"Who are you? Did you hurt my son?" Kid's voice was thick with fury as he swung at the man underneath him.

Catherine instantly went to Lou, after a shocked look at the booted feet protruding from under Kid's berserk form, and tried to lead her from the room, but she shook her head softly.

The baby was still screaming, and so Catherine at least tried to take him from Lou's grasp, but she snapped, "No!" and Catherine helplessly dropped her hands to her sides, and watched the scuffle in the middle of the cheerful yellow room.

Teaspoon and Buck were slowly succeeding in pulling Kid off of the form that was only now gaining enough sense to try and fight back in rage. Jonathan arrived last, having searched the house for more intruders, and went to help Teaspoon and Buck.

"Stop!" his authoritative voice had an effect on Kid that the hands of Teaspoon and Buck had not, and he paused in his swinging, as did the man below him, and turned to look at Jonathan in irritation for stopping him.

"Hello Johnny," the man below Kid finally croaked out, "I'd shake your hand, but as you can see, it's pinned beneath me."

"You know him?" Lou asked incredulously.

"I suppose so," Jonathan said dryly, glancing at Lou and truly sorry for the scare she'd had, "This is Gabriel Monroe. My brother."

Lou heard Catherine's sharp intake of breath as she moved forward to get a better look.

Kid sat astride the man he'd just attacked in shock, then suddenly scrambled off, too confused to comment.

"Why did he attack my son?" Kid finally asked.

"Attack?" Gabriel said outrageously, wiping at his bloody lip, "I'm not the one to talk to about attacking!"

"I heard my wife scream, I know you had the baby!"

"I was just holding him!" Gabriel returned.

"Then why wouldn't you give him back?" Lou demanded.

"You should have seen yourself, Ma'am. You looked like you belonged in an asylum. Sounded like it too. I thought this might be my nephew, and I wasn't about to turn him over to a lunatic."

Jonathan sighed, looked at Catherine and shook his head, "I suppose we can make room for one more?"

Catherine went to her brother and flung her arms around his neck, laughing and crying with joy.

"Quite a homecoming you had, isn't it?"

"If this is the welcome I get after two years away, I suppose it's good I went ahead and got leave now."

Lou blushed when his eyes fell on her. She felt foolish now. The family resemblance was very obvious. Gabriel had the bright green eyes of both his siblings and many of his ancestors, and the sharp cheekbones and prominent nose as well. Although the lower half of his face was covered in a scraggly beard, she should have realized sooner that he was unmistakably a Monroe. A blush stained her cheeks when she thought of demanding the identity of one of the owners of the house she was only a guest in.

Gabriel finally smiled, revealing teeth that were white and straight, and much more civilized than the rest of his appearance.

"Don't trouble yourself, Ma'am. You did what any mother would have done thinking her child was endangered." He glanced at Kid and muttered, "And you too, I suppose. Didn't have to hit so hard though, did you?"

The wry humor was unmistakably Monroe. He looked at Teaspoon and Buck. "So when in the bloody hell is someone going to tell me who these people are? And you Johnny? Why aren't you off being a damn Yankee, like you do best?"

Jonathan laughed and smiled at his brother, shaking his head in slight disapproval at his foul mouth after years in the army.

"It's a long story," He sighed, and introductions were made.

* * *

After the initial wariness had passed, Lou found herself slowly adjusting to Gabriel Monroe. He was big, and his manners were somewhat crude, but he was full of life and tales, and laughter, despite all he'd seen. He reminded her of the boys...before the war.

When asked about the war, his face grew solemn, "Only a matter of time," was all he'd say, and when Catherine spoke out in defense of the South, he'd turned weary eyes on her.

"Cathy, my dear, I'm afraid it's lost. Ah, if only you women would have fought the war, then perhaps we could hold out long enough to win it. The men, however, are too tired. We need our peace now."

"Even if that peace is at the price of our land?" She charged him.

Gabriel nodded his head, "Yes. Even so. We just can't go on much longer."

Lou gazed at Kid, who was bouncing Jamie on his knee, but his expression was unfathomable. She wondered if he truly had severed all ties with his cause, if he was as indifferent about the war as he let her think he was. Surely it pained him to know his beloved South was dying slowly, but he didn't ever want to discuss it, insisting it didn't matter when Lou broached the subject with him.

Lou jumped and noticed Gabriel was watching her closely, with that green gaze that she was beginning to know well.

She raised her eyebrows in question to his stare.

"I was just wondering, Mrs. McCloud, where your sympathies lie? You are awfully quiet. It's my opinion that women are seldom quiet because they have nothing to say."

"You don't have to worry about me keeping quiet when I have something to say, Mr. Monroe," Lou said with a smile to cover the barb, "I support the Union, if you must know. Although these days, I mostly just support the war being over."

"Ah," His gaze darted to Kid with interest, since he knew him to be an ex-Confederate soldier, "So that's how it is? Made you give it up, eh? See who wears the pants in the family!"

The room got very quiet as Kid looked up sharply, and James gurgled with disappointment when the bouncing stopped.

"He was injured!" Lou spat out in defense of her husband, "and spent months in a prison! He couldn't fight!"

"He could now," Gabriel reasoned, "He's healthy enough. Healthier than most of my company."

"He'd be a fool to fight, Gabe," Catherine jumped in, trying to stop her brother's sometimes maddening persistence, "He served, then almost died in prison. He's got Louise and James to think of."

"Seems to me a man would want to fight so as to see that his wife and family had something worth living for," Gabriel commented, swallowing a shot of whiskey and looking over the rim of the upturned glass.

"Seems to me that a man's family should be more important than his cause," Lou returned sharply.

Gabriel chuckled at her, "You're a feisty one, eh? No wonder you convinced him to stay out of it."

"Enough!" Jonathan said abruptly, and turned a poignant glare on his brother, "It's not your affair."

He nodded and lifted his glass, "True enough."

But, when Kid got up and left the room a few minutes later, wordlessly giving Jamie to Lou, it was all too clear that the damage had been done.

With her cheeks burning in embarrassment for Kid, whose manhood had been so belittled, Lou excused herself and Jamie, and slowly climbed the stairs to their room.

* * *

She found him where she thought she might, standing in the darkened room, looking out the window. Laying a drowsy Jamie on the bed, she walked over behind him, and laced her arms around him from behind, laying her cheek against the cool linen covering his back.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?" Kid asked uncomfortably, shifting restlessly under Lou's touch.

"For what Gabriel said," Lou answered.

"You didn't tell him to say it did you?" Kid half-snapped in irritation and stepped away from her touch, bewildering Lou.

Kid turned to glance at her, and instantly looked back out the window, resuming his neutral tone. "Never mind. It isn't important."

Lou thought she realized what this was all about: the angry comments, the avoidance of her eyes, the sudden tenseness.

"You resent me, don't you? You resent me and James because you gave up fighting for us? You resent me for not being a quiet woman who had less to say on such matters?"

"No, Damn it, Lou. I resent myself for being a goddamned coward!" The words exploded out of him as his fist drove into the wall by the window.

Startled, Lou stood and watched him wide-eyed for a moment as the aftershocks of his revelation reverberated around the room. Finally she wondered, "What are you talking about Kid?"

"I'm talking about me being scared to death to go back to war, Lou. I'm talking about me losing the nerve and the stomach for it."

"You think the fact you don't want to kill any more men makes you a coward?"

"That and the fact I hid behind you so I didn't have to face the fact I couldn't go back. Even led you to think I resented you for it, I guess."

"Kid, I want to understand, but you ain't makin' a lot of sense to me right now," Lou murmured helplessly, lifting her hands.

"You know how many boys in blue I killed Lou?"

Surprised that he might let her in on what caused the shadows in his eyes, even when he was happy these days, she whispered, "how many?"

" _I don't know_ , Lou. How the Hell did I get to a place where I lost count? I got so good at killing blue. So damn good that I had to shut out the fact that it was boys just like me under it. Only now...now all the things I didn't wonder about those boys...now it haunts me, Lou."

"Kid...it is war. It ain't your fault."

"Yeah, well it was my bullets. I'm a good shot Lou. I hit more than I missed. And when I almost lost you, I thought it was God's punishment for what I had done. I couldn't understand why I had been spared and rescued, given a chance to live. And all I could think when I thought you were going to die was that maybe it was all so I would feel what it was like to grieve, 'cause I had caused so much grief myself."

"Kid, I don't think that's how God works. And if you have caused grief, Lord knows you've felt your fair share too."

"Caused you plenty too," Kid observed.

"And I you. Kid, we've both hurt each other. I'm sure we will again before it's all said and done. I think that's just human nature and maybe the way of marriage. It's why we come with such capacity to forgive, I guess. You've taught me a lot about forgiveness this year, Kid."

"Lou...it ain't just that I don't want to go back to the fighting. Everything in me shrinks in dread from the idea of it. My blood run colds. My hands sweat. Lou, you ain't got a cowardly bone in your body. You don't deserve to be shackled to me, feeling like I do now."

"Kid, I ain't been nothing but afraid since the damn war started!"

"Lou, sometimes, my mind...I think I'm back there on that battlefield. And it's him or me, and I hate myself for always choosing him. Sometimes I can hear the guns and the canons, I can taste the dirt in my teeth and the adrenaline on my tongue, feel the smoke burning my eyes...and I can't tell if I'm in bed or on a battlefield. Sometimes it's the prison yard I get trapped in. It's like I'm fighting my own mind, like I'm losing sometimes. I can't shake the sense that it is real, that I'm there. I can't stop seeing all the things I want to forget I saw. That I caused, even."

"I saw a lot of that in the hospital, before the house was burned down, Kid. I saw it all the time among the boys I cared for. I even understood firsthand what was happening. Look, I don't think I ever told anyone this, Kid. After Wicks...after Wicks did what he did to me, I'd wake up feeling like he was above me. Happened all the time the first few months in the bunkhouse. Lucky for me, Buck was the only one who was a light enough sleeper to notice, and he never asked questions. Night after night, I'd sit straight up, heart in my throat, and hands clenched into fists, ready to fight air. What would you say if someone called me a coward, knowing that?"

Kid looked at her for the first time, his brow furrowed in pain. His own, she knew, but also for her because he knew what Wicks had done to her, and what it cost her to speak of him. "Wouldn't say nothing...let my fists do the talking," he said sheepishly.

She gave him a level look. "How's what is happening to you any different?"

Kid lifted his scarred shoulder uneasily, a gesture she recognized he'd adopted when he was uncomfortable. "Lou, I don't know when I'll trust myself to share your bed again."

She nodded. "I know, Kid. I ain't trying to rush you, even though I trust you to share my bed again. For now, I'm happy enough having you visit it from time to time. And it ain't no one else's business what goes on in our bedroom. Especially not Gabriel Monroe's."

"When did they stop? The nightmares about Wicks?"

Lou shrugged. "You know, every once in really long while, I still have one. But they started happening less and less the safer I felt with you boys. With you. I think you just need time. Time and for the killing to stop all around you."

Kid nodded, turned back to the window.

"Kid, the night that you had the nightmare in our bed...the one where you attacked me. What were you dreaming about? I always wondered."

"The guards at Point Lookout. They'd hold us under the water when we drank sometimes. A few times, I thought I might drown. In that nightmare, I turned the tables. Was dreaming I was holding a guard under. And I didn't intend to let him up again."

A shudder simultaneously ran over both Kid's and Lou's shoulders. Kid at the memory of what he'd done to Lou, and Lou with this small revelation of what she was certain was only one of a countless stream of cruelties visited on her husband in the prison.

"Maybe...maybe you could tell me about some of this, instead of holding it all in, Kid? That was a big part of me getting over Wicks. Or mostly getting over him," Lou suggested. "If you think I'm as strong as you say you do, then surely you know I can handle it."

"Maybe," Kid murmured, then looked into her eyes and gave her something like a nod to seal the promise. "I'll try, Lou. I promise I'll try."

This time when Lou came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his stomach, he let her.

Lou was glad he couldn't see the tears that escaped from her as she thought of her husband's gentle mind, torturing him constantly with images of the monster he thought he'd become during the war, the monster he was so scared he'd turn into again if he ever went back to fight.

"Thank you, Lou."

She wasn't sure if he was thanking her for the hug, the comfort, or for keeping him out of the war, but she found it didn't matter. She hadn't done it for thanks. She'd done it because she loved him.

* * *

Peace was restored to Monroe Hall when Gabriel had to go back to his regiment, and although Jonathan loved him, he was glad for the tension that left the house with him. No more had been said about Kid's not fighting, but there was bad blood between the two after that first night in the sitting room.

Teaspoon and Buck announced in May their intention to travel back to Rock Creek. When Catherine protested, Teaspoon hugged her tightly and informed her, "Miss Monroe, you've been more gracious than we could have dared hope anyone to be, but we've taken advantage of your hospitality and resources too long. We've got business back in Rock Creek, and people there that have looked after our affairs for over a year. We have to go."

Lou had also wondered about the danger of passing through the lines, but Teaspoon shook his head, "The fighting is mostly to the South now. We'll go North, and travel to Chicago, and ride from there."

And with the plans made, it seemed to be no time at all until Jonathan, Catherine, Lou, Kid, and James prepared to bid Buck and Teaspoon goodbye.

Teaspoon held James up, and Jamie laughed and reached to pat his cheeks and then give him a dozen open mouthed kisses on his stubbled face. Teaspoon was very fond of the boy, and the boy him, and Lou could see the traces of tears in the older man's eyes when he gave the baby back to his father.

"Maybe it won't be too long till we see you out West," He said gruffly as he embraced Kid.

Lou cried bitterly as she stepped into Buck's arms. He held her tightly for a long time, reassuring her that the war would be over soon and they could come back. Lou's sobbing grew louder when Teaspoon took her into his embrace.

They were the last pieces of home outside of each other that Kid and Lou had, and already being horribly homesick, it broke Lou's heart to watch them go.

She stepped back and brought herself under control, gladly taking James, who Kid knew would comfort her.

Teaspoon and Buck mounted to ride away before Lou stepped forward, looking up at them with a tumultuous smile.

"Thank you both…so much, for all you've done. I'm so sorry I drug you so far away, for so long," she had to pause when her voice began trembling.

Teaspoon reached down to lay a hand against her cheek, "We don't regret it for a minute," His gaze flicked to Kid, then back to Lou, "You were right. And you were brave. And we would have followed you anywhere, no matter how far away it was, and no matter how long we'd be gone. And if we had to do it again, we would in a heartbeat."

Lou nodded and turned to kiss his hand. She reached for Buck's as he rode away and kissed it as well.

"Ride Safe," Kid and Lou cried in unison, before they were out of earshot.

"Always do," Buck cried back, "We'll keep the home fires burning for you!"

With additional shouts and well wishes from Jonathan, Lou, Kid, and Catherine, Teaspoon and Buck disappeared down the drive.

Lou felt a slow panic working it's way into her stomach to be alone here, just her and Kid in the middle of a war that could go on indefinitely. They could have really gone home, but had discussed it at length, and decided with the unpredictable path of two armies between them and home, and a baby, they dared not risk it.

Kid wrapped his arms around Lou and James and squeezed hard, "It won't be long before the war is over."

* * *

By most standards, Kid was wrong in his prediction that it would not be long before the war was over. The summer and fall of 1864 drug by, as did the winter of 1865. Sherman devastated Georgia in his March to the Sea as the Union plunged further and further into the heart of the South. Blockade runners had been choked out by the Union, and there was not enough of anything, including food anywhere in the South. Only James ate well enough at Monroe Hall that winter, and he grew rapidly, as babies do. Several antique chairs were chopped to bits for kindling, and the adults of the plantation were noticeably thinner come spring.

Lou and Catherine were sitting in the kitchen doing some of the endless mending required of the plantation one rainy April afternoon when they both heard a horse coming down the drive fast. They exchanged a look of alarm, experience having taught them that trouble usually rode down the drive quickly.

"What now?" Catherine growled, tossing the shirt back on the table and standing up.

They met Kid and Jamie on the porch, and watched silently as Jonathan thundered up on his nag.

"It's over!" He shouted long before he pulled the horse up in front of the stairs, "It's over!"

Repeatedly, the words left his mouth, dazing the others, who dared to wonder if he could possibly mean the war.

When he leapt off the horse, rushed up the stairs and picked his sister up, twirling her until she demanded he put her down, then did the same to Lou herself, Lou allowed herself to believe him.

"The war?" Lou said dumbly, "is over?"

Jonathan beamed at her, "Yes. Lee surrendered yesterday at Appomattox. Remember the summer we went there, Catherine?"

"So, it's over," Catherine said dully, her eyebrows drawn together in pain.

"Yes!" Jonathan exclaimed.

"What were the conditions of the surrender? What will become of the Confederates?" Kid asked tensely. While he didn't think the rest of the Southern army would be hung or imprisoned as traitors, it was possible.

"The Rebels were discharged from the army and told to go home. They were allowed to keep their guns and their horses, the few that had them. Lee made a good show. Arrived in his best finery to meet Grant, and was a perfect gentleman. Damn fine man, Lee."

"Damn fine man," Catherine echoed, then turned and leaned her face against the large column of her home, suddenly sobbing.

"Catherine! Surely this is good news!" Lou murmured, trying to put her arms around the girl, but she was violently shrugged off.

"Catherine…" Jonathan began, "You knew the South wouldn't win long ago."

Catherine shrugged, "I thought I did, but I guess I had the hope deep down that we'd rise again, that we could hold out a little longer. And now…now it's all for nothing. Robert's death, the years of nearly starving, all those boys…gone, for nothing."

Kid watched Catherine, and in his own mind, the list continued: _the burning of our home, all those men who died in prison, Ben Raymond, the Captain, Marty and Barney Weathers, the child I never knew, Noah_. On and on the tragedies continued in his memory, and the futility of war struck home as it never had before.

He reached out to Lou suddenly, and she quickly came to him, wrapping her arms around his neck as he clung to her tightly, their eyes dry with shock.

* * *

A few days later the Monroes and the McClouds stood on a rise, looking down at the road below as the columns of navy blue filed past, on the way to subdue the Confederate capital of Richmond.

"Hail the Conquering Heroes," Catherine muttered bitterly, as they came on in an unending and undulating line.

Lou glanced at Kid, who for the past four days had been unusually withdrawn, his eyes too dry and his lips pressed grimly together. Now, however, they burned with tears, although he didn't shed them.

The company below had a lively band to accompany their victory march, even though the soldier's footsteps were weary, "When Johnny Comes Marching Home," "Yankee Doodle," and "Oh Susannah" rang out cheerfully, getting louder as the band approached.

The musicians stopped when they spotted the four adults and one child on the hill, staring down at them. Lou realized that she, Kid, Catherine and Jonathan, all looked to be Southerners, with her dressed in a borrowed hoop skirt like the one Catherine wore, and with Kid and Jonathan clad in planter's wardrobe. Lou took in her breath sharply, wondering what they could possibly want with them. Surely they wouldn't attack, with the war over and them the victors?

The answer was clear soon enough. Standing straight and tall below them, the musicians began the strands of Dixie, playing it slowly and sweetly.

Chills rose on Lou's arms at the gesture, and she glanced to see tears finally spilling freely down Kid's cheeks at the theme song of his beloved homeland. His lips moved slightly to the music as he silently formed the words to the song:

 _"Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton, Old times there are not forgotten, Look away, look away, look away, Dixieland."_

When the last note had died on the air, the band saluted them sharply and bowed deeply. There was no mocking involved, only an attempt to convey respect and regret to their worthy, but defeated, adversaries.

Kid and Jonathan returned the salute, and the band marched on, to Richmond.

Finally, Kid wiped his eyes, and did what the song of the South told him to do. He looked away. Looked away from the road and the uncertain future the men marching down it promised and instead looked to Jamie, who was toddling in the grass, the soil beneath his son's feet the same soil that held his first steps in its keeping. _Old times there are not forgotten,_ he thought to himself as new tears misted his eyes when he thought of the land he so loved.

The memories would be with him always.

"Let's go home," were his simple words to Lou as he swooped Jamie into a high arc that made the boy belly laugh.

Lou didn't have to ask where he meant. Virginia, conquered, was no longer his home, and never would be again. Gone were the sticky warm days of rolling green fields and lazy plow mules named Jeremiah.

From now on, _Home_ was West. A land still unchanged by the hand of man, where the blood of a country divided had not soaked the fields. Home was a fast horse and a grassy plain and the great mountains stitched across the horizon, holding the sky aloft on their massive shoulders.

He looked at his wife, sunlight and tears in her warm amber eyes, tears for him because she knew he ached with loss and that which hurt him brought her sorrow.

Home was a strong woman who had ridden thousands of miles and united a family behind her, against all odds. Home was Lou.

* * *

 _Author's Note: Just an epilogue left to go. Sorry for the delay on this chapter. I reworked it, but the conversation between Lou and Kid about going back to the war was hard for me to get my head around. Still is. I changed it pretty significantly from my original story...what I had there before didn't feel right. Thanks for sticking with me through this monster if you are still reading!_


	22. Epilogue: The Greatest of These

Epilogue: The Greatest of These

Kid sat back on his heels in triumph, and studied his work closely. He'd been working all morning, but wouldn't settle for anything less than perfection.

From her spot on a blanket nearby, Lou watched him with tender eyes as he reached out to gently touch the name on the simple, but sturdy wooden cross. Two others just like it stood near by.

 _Marty Weathers, Barney Weathers, Jed McCloud._ The two men who'd saved his life in prison but not their own, and the stillborn child whose body had been left at peace in Virginia.

Kid had promised them the finest spot on all his land, and for days had searched to find just such a spot. Finally he'd announced the bluff overlooking the plain stretching all the way to the Rockies would be theirs. Lou had stood with him on the rise yesterday, with the early autumn wind tugging her hair from her braid and had agreed it was a fine resting place.

Now, unable to stare at the three reminders of the cost of war, Lou chose instead to glance back toward the old Sweetwater station. It had been completely abandoned when they had moved to Rock Creek, and was much worse for the long years of neglect.

They had their work cut out for them, but neither of them had ever shied away from hard work.

Knowing that here she and Kid were getting their life and their dream of raising horses underway, knowing Jamie would grow here and have a place to call home with the loving parents, and joyful extended family neither of them had known, brought a deep peace to her soul.

She smiled as she thought of Jonathan and Catherine, who'd promised to visit them as soon as possible. Leaving them had been hard, and tearful. Lou and Catherine had grown close, as only women who fight to survive together can. However, the excitement of going back to Rock Creek, of reuniting with the family they'd been absent from nearly two years was great, and the welcome they'd received upon arriving home had done much to lift their spirits.

Rachel and Teaspoon made the decision to move back to Sweetwater, seeing as Russell, Majors, and Wadell had to sell the Rock Creek station. Sam and Emma had returned to their life with their two pretty daughters, promising to visit often. Buck drifted, but was presently staying at the station and helping Kid with the repairs and the search for a suitable stallion.

Jimmy and Cody had both come out of the war without a scratch, but were still with the army as the loose ends of war were tied up. They hoped to be home for Christmas.

Lou glanced toward the paddocks and smiled. Katy and Lightning, old friends by now, stood side by side, swishing their tails at flies. Ben, the huge draft horse she'd bought to carry her back to Rock Creek during the war was also there, nudging at one of the newer horses.

She grinned when she thought of Kid's reaction to the horse and her insistence on keeping him.

 _"That's the ugliest damn nag I've ever seen…but if he got you here safely, then he can sleep in the house if he wants to."_

Sighing, she looked back to Kid, who was still touching the cross for the child they had lost. Slowly she got up, glad that Rachel had volunteered to watch James. They needed this time alone to put their demons behind them.

Kid barely noticed the hand that rested on his shoulder. Finally, he looked up with a tear-streaked face. Lou held her hand out to him, and obediently he climbed to his feet, standing docilely as she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly.

There were no words to be spoken, Lou knew. Nothing to be said that could make everything alright, so they stood in silent memorial of three souls; one that had been a result of their love, two that had died so that they might continue to love.

Kid heard the sound behind them first, and whirled quickly. Startled, Lou flung herself around too, eyes wide, ever on the lookout for danger. It was just still hard to believe that peacetime had come. The heightened sense of danger that had saved them during their express days had been compounded by the war.

They both gasped at the source of the disturbance.

Tromping through the high grass on foot, side by side by side, were Buck, Jimmy and Cody. Jamie, now just over three years old and a bundle of energy behind guileless blue eyes, sat triumphantly on his namesake's shoulders, two fistfuls of Jimmy's hair in his hands like reins, squealing with laughter.

Kid stiffened, a shadow crossing his face, and Lou put a restraining hand on his arm, not sure how Kid would react to seeing Jimmy for the first time after learning of the kiss they had shared.

As she watched Kid though, a smile broke across his face and tears of joy stood in his eyes. There would be a painful discussion about what had occurred at some point, but his joy made it apparent that Kid was only interested in welcoming his brothers home, months earlier than expected. It gave her tremendous hope for the future of their friendship to see it.

Kid grabbed Lou's hand and led her down the hill at a run, until they met their two returning friends with hugs, tears, and laughter. Jamie bounded around the adults in a frenzy of excitement, their joy infecting him. It was a sweet reunion, and having, against the odds, everyone back safely seemed to bring the whole ordeal full circle.

Jimmy met Lou's eyes briefly with a question and Lou nodded in confirmation to let him know she had told Kid. Jimmy's face darkened with guilt, his smile flattening momentarily. But then Jamie was standing at his feet, arms outstretched and demanding, "Up Nuncle GeeMee," and Jimmy reached down to grab the boy about the knees and flip him upside down over his shoulder. The peals of the child's laughter falling around their shoulders were as cleansing to them all as a baptism.

 _It is over,_ Lou thought, as she smiled at Cody's exclamation of how much Jamie looked like Kid.

The thought seemed exciting and foreign, given all the years they'd waited to start their life together. They all walked together up the hill, paying their respects to the monuments there and surveying the land that had been the first real home most of them had known. Then, the adults settled down on the hillside on the blanket Lou had brought. They talked for hours, of everything and nothing as Jamie busied himself with looking for bugs.

The sun was setting, unfurling rays in a show of splendor for the boys and girl who had fought so hard to return West and sit beneath its unobscured glory. The rays fell on all of these boys who were hers, gilding them, Lou thought. It was a moment Lou desperately wished to bottle forever in time, their youthful faces laughing and carefree after so many years of uncertainty and sorrow. She was awash in such sudden gratitude for all of them that she thought her joy was too great to be contained within her, felt it would dissolve the limits of her skin.

For as long as they'd known each other, the threat of the war had divided all the riders. Yet, somehow throughout it all, they'd never lost touch with what held them together.

Lou shook her head, marveling at the many bonds that governed the lives and workings of men and women.

A bond to his home had blindly driven Kid to turn his back on his friends and family and risk his life for the soil he was born on. The bond of duty forced Lou to go with him to Virginia, and wait for his return in the lonely farmhouse. The bond of dedication to Kid pushed Lou back home to find help when she was heartsick and tired, and ready to give up. A bond of brotherhood convinced the boys and Teaspoon to go with Lou to get Kid out of prison, despite the danger and the small odds of success. A bond of honor made Kid determined to stay in Point Lookout with his comrades, to die with them. A bond of fierce loyalty had pushed Jimmy to risk his own life so that two people he loved might find a life. A bond of humanity caused Jonathan Monroe to betray his country to help a stranger, and Catherine to shelter them. A bond of family had brought Lou back from the dead to live with her son and husband.

And in every one of those bonds was sown the seeds of another bond, _a bond so strong_ that no man, no woman, no war, no force in the world might break it apart. The bond of love was a driving force behind every action between them, instilled in them since they were thrown together as outcasts with nothing in common but their loneliness. Their bond had carried them through a conflict that had ripped their country in half, and proven strong enough to hold them together.

As Jamie sat himself in her lap and leaned his precious head back against her, and as she looked around the at the men of her family, Lou realized that the bonds of men are many, _but the greatest of these is love._

 _THE END_

Author's Note: This was a labor of love back in 1998 or 1999, and still it is a labor of love. It was the longest thing by far I had written at that point. The last episode of the series...which I just re-watched recently, just left me heartbroken...it was such a dark time, the series ended with such an absence of hope. This was my attempt to let the characters I loved find their way back to each other again.


End file.
